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Med Jokes

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

What do you call a med student who finished last in his class?

Doctor.

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

Meds

To the person who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

Med student was unable to identify an organ

So a viva exam was going on which the students had identify the organ shown and tell their functions.
There was this one student who was really struggling with identifying the organ that was shown to him. He was saying random organs like 'heart, kidney, liver etc'. The examiner eventually felt pi...

I accidentally took my cat's meds last night

Don't ask meow

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

You be claimin that pain meds don't work

but Ibuprofen you wrong

Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

I thought my new ADHD meds would help my drinking and it works.

Instead of a half dozen glasses of bourbon with only a sip or two drunk from them, I actually finish them all.

I’ve been off my OCD meds for more almost a year now

(Or 11 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 7 minutes to be exact)

A vegan, a med student, and a bitcoin trader walk into a bar

Who tells you about it first?

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

Police say a Maryland man stole $369 worth of erectile dysfunction and insomnia meds from a pharmacy

Apparently he wanted to stay up but not stay up.

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What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double. What he says he smokes, triple. Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

Didn't teach this in med school

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?



The Taste.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physic...

I guess it's time for you to take your meds

Because this post is going viral

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First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

What do you call a bunch of crows that just earned a BS in Biology?

First Degree Pre-med Murder.


Sorry in advance. I'm in the middle of studying criminal law for the bar and know this is super dumb.

I asked my wife if she felt my erectile dysfunction has improved since I got on meds…

She said I’ve got room to grow.

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Med school exam

A young student is struggling during his histology exam and the professor wants to give him one last chance:
"You've clearly studied the subject, but you need to be more confident. Answer me this last question and you're good to go. Is the vaginal epithelium ciliated?".
The student is tired, w...

What did I donate for my son to get into med school?

My son.

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First day of med school

It's the first day of med school and a teacher takes the students to a morgue. "Lesson 1: it's very important that you get used to the human body and are completely at ease with all manner of things." So he takes his finger and shoves it up a corpse's butt and pulls it out. He then puts his finger i...

I dropped my epileptic meds in the washer earlier.

Now my clothes don’t fit anymore.

I don't mind being back on my meds...

I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.

If a doctor takes a hippocratic oath after completing med school, what does a lawyer take after graduating law school?

A hypocritical oath.

In a graduating class of med students, what do you call the person with the lowest grades?

Doctor

Here’s a really easy way to figure out if you’re taking too many meds:

You refer to your medication as ‘meds’

My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was “too stupid to be a doctor”

8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

Did you hear a med school is accepting animals as students?

They're calling it the hippocampus.

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What do you get when you cross anxiety meds with an ancient shark and a penis?

A Mogolodong.

A doctor was addressing his first year med students on their first day working with cadavers...

The doctor at the head of the class told them, "In order to make sure you all have the right stuff to become medical doctors, please do exactly as I do".

.

The doctor then made an incision into the abdomen on the body before him and waited until all of the students had done the same. ...

Why did Bill Clinton say NO to testosterone meds?

He was afraid of ending up like Hillary.

My son, who has ADHD, has been taking meds to help him run faster.

He's now AD480p.

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

[Med. Long] A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed st...

In the exam for a med school, students were asked to rearrange the letters, N E P I S to form a body part.

Those who formed SPINE are doctors now.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

Open Mike night!

We had an open Mike night at Med School.

It didn't mean what I thought it meant.

Mike will never be the same!.

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

A joke my dog told me this morning

What happens when you stop taking your meds?
Your dog starts talking to you.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

*TRUE* I Went to the Pot Store Today

I'm waiting to go back into the meds area and a guy comes walking in with his 10 year old son. The kid looks around and sniffs, "gosh, Dad. It smells just like our house here."

A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"

The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

Stop me if you’ve heard it...

Two men are chatting. One says, “I’m taking this new med for my memory and it’s doing wonders!”

his friend replies, “What’s it called?”

The first guy says, “Um, uh, a flower... pedals, thorns, red...”

His buddy says, “Rose?”

First guy says, “That’s it!”

He turns t...

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I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

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My dick is like my CVS receipt...

...full of STD meds.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take meds on an empty stomach!

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

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A farmer goes to the doctor

"Doctor", he says, "I have a weird itch on my head".

The doc examined the man, and says: "Ah, I see what you have, and I have the solution. Take one of these pills a day, in the anus."

The man comes home and yells to his wife: "Mary, do we have an anus?"
"No," she responds, "we onl...

I don't get why engineering students call themselves engineers when they aren't yet

I mean people in med schooling don't call themselves doctors,

law students don't call themselves lawyers,

and art students don't call themselves broke

So what do you do?

*I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*

So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?

*I prefer international arms dealer.*

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!...

I started seeing this incredibly beautiful girl.

But then my psychiatrist readjusted my meds.

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Hospital inspection

A major donor (think having a wing named after him) came to a hospital of which he was a benefactor to see where his money was going. It was up to a Charge Nurse to give him a tour of the med/surg floor.

They are walking down a hallway when the donor looks in and sees a patient in bed furious...

I've spotted six Pokémon today

but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.

Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.

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A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

An older woman goes to the doctor

A 70 year old woman goes to the doctor and says: 'I'm having a very embarrassing problem doctor, I'm farting all day long, but I'm in luck the farts don't smell and you can barely hear them.'
The doctor prescribes her some pills, whereof everyday she has to take 2.

After 2 weeks the woman...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

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2 old ladies at a nursing home

There's two older ladies sitting on a park bench outside their nursing home chatting it up and having a few cigarettes when it suddenly starts to rain.

One of the ladies is moving around her umbrella and trying to hold up her coat to keep her cigarette from getting wet but it's not working to...

Google Pizza

Man: Hello! Gusto Pizza?

Phone: No sir it's Google pizza.

M: Oh sorry, wrong number

P: Sir, Google bought Gusto

M: Oh, may I order?

P: Would you like your usual?

M: My usual? You know my usual?

P: According to our caller ID, your last 10 orders were f...

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