Why did the noble gas do meditation?

He wanted to get his xen-on.

Meditation

Why does meditation get so much resistance?

Because there's too many Ohms.

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

I recently took up meditation,

It's certainly better than sitting around doing nothing.

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

I tried to get a job teaching meditation

But I didn't have a good inner view

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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

I met a cricket who does meditation classes to realign chakra energy.

The studio is called Flowcust.

Meditation is a lot like pimping...

You gotta get your thoughts under control.

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

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Himalayan Dick BABA

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a baba who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been kno...

What did the monk say after he cut the trees around him?

It's time for deep clearing meditation

Meditation

[A bit dry : p]

One day, as he did everyday an old yogi was meditating in a cave.

A hungry traveller passing by noticed him in the cave sitting by a fire.

The traveler hoping for a bite to eat shouts into the echoing cave "Hello there!!"

The yogi being very disciplined, k...

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

Hey! You know, they've started offering free meditation retreats at the North Pole!

Turns out the Christmas elves are really present minded.

A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.

When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.

After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.

"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must tr...

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A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery. The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation. The man agrees. The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silen...

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

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The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

A man is at his lowest point

He’s tried every drug, sipped every beer, and just generally been out of it. Trying to get better, he goes to a council of Buddhist monks and seeks their advice.

The eldest monk says to him, “I see, my child, that it is going to take more than just our usual methods to sober you up. I task y...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian are sent to Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong there. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield."

The American goes first....

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

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A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.

German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him a...

An American, an Indian and a Greek go to hell...

An american, an indian and a greek find themselves in hell. Satan reveals himself and tells them "you are all condemned to spend your eternity in hell. HOWEVER, I will give you one chance to make it to heaven. I will whip your back thrice with this mighty whip. If you show no pain, I will allow you ...

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

I got furious and smashed my phone

I was getting too many notifications from a meditation app.

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Two greyhounds walk into a bar after a race

They sit down at the bar ask for a drink and start talking. Tommy looks at frank and says, "I don't know what it is frank. Ive just been having the worst luck at the track. It seems that no matter what I do I just cant finish better than 3rd. I've tried meditation, yoga, vitamins and nothing wor...

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A monastery opens a flower shop [long]

Outside a large town, a monastery was running out of money. The monks conferred, and decided the best way to alleviate their financial woes would be to use their considerable gardening skills to sell flowers. They used what was left in the coffers to buy a small shop, and opened a store.
After ...

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep brea...

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

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