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Wal Jokes

Why are there no Wal-Marts in Ukraine?

Because they're all Targets.

A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome t...

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

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Wal- Matt

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

Dear Wal-mart automatic toilets,

I wanted to look at that.

Sincerely,
Me.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

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Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,

why isn't anything in the store free yet?

What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have?

The ones that roll-back.

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

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So a retiree decides to take a part time job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

...On his first day, this horrid lady walks in to the store, yelling horrible things at her two children. The man smiles, and she glares back. Undeterred the man continues to smile and says "Oh, I love your twins!" Of course, her children are at least two years apart, and while they share common ...

She got them Wal-Mart eyes....

They roll back!

Wal-Mart

Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east?
A: Because there are too many Targets

Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?

Because there is a Target on every corner.

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisle...

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

I asked the worker at Wal-Mart where I could find the nuts.

She said, "They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

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Two Vampires wal into a bar.

Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water.
When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask:
- Why would a vampire d...

At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.

I'm going to hell lol

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

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Why did the pedophile go to WalMart?

Children's clothes were half off!

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My penis is longer than the sausages sold at Wal-Mart!

Oh, and I'm banned for 5 years

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They’re all Targets.

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

If you have enough walnuts

You can probably build a wal.

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Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

Promiscuous women and Wal-Mart have a lot in common...

A lot of people will hate on them and say how much they think its wrong or they dont like it, but at the end of the day, if its 4 am and you're inside of one you're gonna thank god they exist. Plus afterwards you're always showered with regret and guilt but you keep doing it anyway because you have ...

Mind, Body and Spirit wal into a bar (repost from /r/Buddhism)

Mind says, "I'll have a beer please."

Body says, "I'll have a beer please."

Spirit says, "I'll have a beer please."

So the bartender serves one beer.

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

Th...

I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart.

It's the only way I'll see my family again.

The blind Walmart clerk

My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing...

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my ...

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

Where is the best place to go if you want to watch people with art degrees while they're working?

Wal-mart

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

Yo mamma so fat

Yo momma so fat, clumsy and stupid, on her way to Wal-Mart she tripped over kmart and fell on target.

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart. And a lady was standing in front of me at the register. Her bill came up to about $200 but her card declined. It was just food. So y’all already know what I did.

Helped her put each and every item back. #itstheseasonofgiving

Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

I USE TO BE A BULL RIDER AND I WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD

Until that guy from Wal-Mart came out and unplugged me.

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I masturbate loud as hell.

If you don’t like it you can go to another Wal-Mart.

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five ...

Some people stood in line for 3 hours tonight in Houston.

Once they finished paying for their groceries at Wal Mart, then they went to vote.

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

It’s so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.

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The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and ...

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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

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Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says, "I'm sor...

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes,...

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So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

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Three Couples were Trying to get into a Church...

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newly-wed couple were trying to get into a church.

The pastor said, "we only have one rule to get into this church...to test your devotion to God, you have to abstain from sex for one week."

So the week passed, and the couples all came ba...

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Blind guy walks into a Walmart.

A blind guy walks into Wal-Mart with his seeing eye dog. He gets to the middle of the store, proceeds to grab the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around in circles. The dog yelping all the while with people staring in astonishment. The manager goes running over screaming "what the fuck are y...

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Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

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Best christmas joke about Obama, (racist)

So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament. Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.

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Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...

So this guy was driving down a street...

...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.

He ran to...

So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...

...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouet...

Blonde Special

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. T...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

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'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal gover...

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