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Married Men Jokes

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

A tip for younger married men

If your wife walks into the room and asks what you think of the dress she just bought, DO NOT ask her if it’s for Halloween.

I am in the doghouse…

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.

Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.

However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.

After a swift shu...

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Two recently married men go to a drink. One of them tells he has a problem, that his new wife is too dominant in bed.

The second man tells: You are very lucky, every man would want to be in your position.

First man: You do not understand I can barely sleep 2 hours each night.

Second man: I do not see any problem with that, you are a very fortunate man.

First man: No, you still do not understan...

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5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

Only married men need apply.

A company has a policy of hiring only married men.

Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front leader called on the CEO.

She asked him: "Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? It must be because you consider us women as weak, dumb, cantankerous, or do you co...

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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Two married men were at the bar...

...the one looks at the clock and tells his friend, "I'm not looking forward to going home. My wife is going to chew me out again for being away drinking so late. Every time I'm out like this I try to sneak back home and into bed without waking her so she doesn't know how late I've been out. I tu...

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Two married men agree; no more ladies' nights.

On their way home from a great ladies night out, two married women have the sudden urge to tinkle. There are no restaurants or shops nearby, so the women run into a nearby cemetery and pee behind some headstones. One of the women uses her panties to wipe while the other grabs a nearby flower wreath....

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

A true story for married men

True story for my married buds!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some ...

80% of the married men don't know why their wife is angry.

The other 20% don't even know their wife is angry.

A study revealed married men die on average 7 years before their wives. Do you know why?

Because we want to

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

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What day of the week do most married men have sex?

Tomorrow

Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?

Bachelors return from work. See the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' n go to 'BED'.

Married Men return from work. See the same boring stuff in 'BED' n go to the 'FRIDGE'.

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A sex therapist is speaking to a group of married men.

At the start of his lecture he has all the men stand up

He asks, "All the men who have sex more than once a week please sit down". About half the men sit.

The he says, "OK, now all the men who have sex more than once a month please sit down". At this point, there is only one man lef...

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America

The rest cheat in Europe

Why do terrorists recruit married men as suicide bombers?

They're easier to convince.

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

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Cheers to me not fucking a single man in my 30 years of life!!

I only fuck married men.

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A man is shopping at a pharmacy with his 10 year old son

As they go through the aisles the man’s son points and says “What are those?” The man looks to see his son pointing at the condoms and thinks “maybe it’s time to tell him some facts of life.”

“Those are condoms son,” the man says calmly, “They’re what men use when they want to practice safe ...

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

Married for the 4th time

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, sin...

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

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A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

Four months into her postulancy to become a nun a young woman went to Sister Maria crying.

"Sister, I must leave this convent but before I go I want to confess my sins."

"Okay," said Sister Maria.

"During my time here I've slept with multiple men!"

"Shame," said Sister Maria.

"Sometimes multiple men at one time."

"Shame," Said Sister Maria.

"Marri...

At the Pearly Gates, there is a men's entrance and a women's entrance

and at the men's entrance there are two smaller doors for married men. Over one there is the inscription FOR MEN WHO WERE DOMINATED ALL THEIR LIVES BY THEIR WIVES and over the other it reads FOR MEN WHO WERE NOT DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES.

One morning at opening-up time St Peter comes and unl...

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Rich Man vs Poor Man's Anniversary Gift to Wife

Two married men - one rich, one poor - are walking down the street having a chat and discover they both have upcoming wedding anniversaries. When the topic of what gift to get their wives arises, the rich man says he's going to buy his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor man inquires why...

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A man takes his young son to the pharmacy with him...

While there, the boy points to a display and asks "What are those, Daddy?" "Those are condoms, son, they help prevent babies from being born." "But daddy," says the boy," that package says it has 3. Who would need that many?" "Well son, that's for high school students, one for Friday night, one for ...

Check-in lines at the gates of heaven

There are several check-in counters at the gates of heaven with big signs telling arrivals where they should check in. One counter has a sign "All married men who were hen pecked by their wives". There is a long line of men waiting to check in there. Next to it is a counter for "married men who w...

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