This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

People are so disrespectful these days, I was at the church when a woman lit up a cigarette right in front of me

I got so shocked I almost dropped my beer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl, you remind me of a cigarette

Because I wanna get you lit and put your butt in my mouth

You know what’s more Lit than throwing garbage in the trashcan?

Throwing it on the ground - it’s litter!

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would you call hitler if he lit up?

The illumi-nazi

My Friend Told me That I Needed to Be Lit on Tinder

But I couldn’t find any matches


(V2)

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

You know what’s lit?

California

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It has come to light that a lit cigarette burned down Notre Dame

Upon hearing the news the Pope responded:
"Not surprised. Fags have been destroying the church for years"

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam

Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire?

He made an ash of himself!

^^how ^^ember ^^assing...

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant...

...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.

'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediatly light a candle for you,' he promises.

Time passes and the priest re...

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A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing lit feces at zoo employees. 3 of them were rushed to the hospital with...

turd debris burns

A place got lit on fire

But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"

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Police stopped me. I lit a candle.

"What is the candle for?" asked the policeman.
I said "You're gonna fuck me anyway. At least let it be romantic."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank.

Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Putting things in the bin may be ‘lit’

But dropping them on the floor is litter

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

What did Bill Cosby say when he was in a bar and he accidentally slipped a pill into one of those drinks you light on fire and then the bartender lit it on fire?

The roof', the roof', the roofies on fire!

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town...

The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?''

The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''

She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''

So they held hands.

A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?''

The man ...

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

Some words look lit when read upside down

Like " sapnu puaS "

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A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who was a renowned sex therapist...

He traveled around the world giving seminars on sex of all kinds and on how to improve a couple's intimate side of the relationship.

At one particular seminar he opened, like usual, by stating that he knew so much about sex and people that he could tell you how often you had sex just by the ...

A drunk man walked into a gas station

He had accidentally gotten gasoline on his arm while fueling his car, while he was paying for his gas he picked up a lighter and lit it up. His arm immediately went up in flames.

When this happened a cop in the store pulled his gun and shot the man 10 times. The attendant in a panic asked...

Two friends went camping

After they had set up the camp, one of them tried to light a fire while the other prepared the salad. The second friend heard the first friend swear repeatedly and eventually decided to see what's wrong. He asked his friend "Why is the fire not lit? Did we forget the matches?" The other friend then ...

A thirsty man walks into a store...

He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him.

"Hello sir, how may I serve you?"

"I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice."

The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

One day a hindu priest was walking down the street.

And he saw a beautiful red fence in front of a house. The only issue was that the beam holding the light was broken. So the priest went home, grabbed his toolbox, and returned to restore the light to it's place. So the passerbys would be able to see without stumbling.

By and by the man who o...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

A texan went to chicago to a woman

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Wh...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

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I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “...

Candles...

Why do candles love cake so much?


Simple, they just want to get lit!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

Tea Break

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …

Paddy ...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

A guy changes a lamp; he's a man of action

A dude holds a prism in front of that lit lamp; a man of refraction

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper tol...

I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451 and I asked him, “How do you like it?”

Him: It’s pretty lit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wood eye

There was once a man who got an eye infection and had to get his eye removed, he could not afford a glass eye so his doctor made him a wooden one.
He was very self conscious about having a wood eye and as such he would only go to poorly lit bars to try to pick up chicks.

One night he was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

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Hey sexy, is your first name Cigarette?

Because I really want to get you lit and stick your butt in my mouth.

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

Did you here about the genius pyromaniac?

Whenever he had an idea, he sure lit up!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor...

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

It was my pet dragon's birthday today

We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

My crippled friend said he wanted hot wheels for his birthday

So I lit his wheelchair on fire

What did the millennial Charlie say after visiting the chocolate factory?

It was choco-lit

Heard about the do-it-yourself home rodeo?

Cook a romantic candle lit dinner for your girlfriend. Have a good bottle of wine, and then lead her quietly into the bedroom. You have already spread rose petals on top of the bed. Low seductive music in the background. Erotically take each other’s clothes off, get her up on the bed on all four...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

On the the 31st of October...

A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet.

One of them asks: "Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"
Silence followed...

Another asks: "Oh spirit of the boar...

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last Christmas was traumatising for me...

I was up until late. I lit up the fire in the fireplace. I didn't extinguish the fire and I fell asleep while reading a book...when I heard scream I opened my eyes.

Let me tell ya...it is traumatic to hear Santa Claus go from "ho ho ho" to "ho-holy shit"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John liked to get very drunk at his local bar

He had a reputation of being making loud, obnoxious, claims to the whole bar. The bartender was an old friend of John, and basically let anything go that he wanted to do, knowing he brought in most of his business just by being there because John had quite the following at the bar, with people eggin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex Joke (Long)

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge ...

I put the cool into school

And the lit into illiterate

A woman was arrested the other day...

Apparently she was pumping gasoline when she spilled a little fuel on her hand. She was in a big hurry so she wiped it as best she could, paid and went on her way. As she was driving down the highway she lit up a cigarette and her hand ignited. A passing police officer immediately crossed the median...

I've got a story...

So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one ...

We accidently bought a drunk Christmas tree this year...

That thing is lit every night, I swear to God.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...