UPJOKE

Little Timmy Jokes

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

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Oh little Timmy..

The teacher asks Timmy:

"Why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying:

"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

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Little Timmy’s playing with his trains

He’s sitting at the dining room table and his toy train pulls up to the station. Timmy says “We’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, get the fuck off, if you’re heading north, get the fuck on we’re ready to go.”

Timmy’s mom hears him say this and scolds her son. She tells him...

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Do...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

Little Timmy and Little Mandy were playing together at the kindergarten.

Timmy says to Mandy, “When we’re older, let’s get married!”

Mandy turns to him and says, “I’m sorry Timmy, I like you and all, but I’m not allowed to marry you.”

“Why not?” asks Timmy.

“Because in my family, we have a tradition of only marrying each other. It’s gone back generat...

Little Timmy and God

5yr old Timmy went to church and the priest wanted to teach them that god lives within us all..so the first child he saw was Timmy and he asked "wheres god Timmy?" and Timmy went pale white and ran home as fast as he could and hid under the bed...when his mother asked Timmy what happened he replied....

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Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

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Little Timmy walks in on his dad beating his meat

Timmy: What are you doing daddy?
Dad: This is called masturbation, son. You'll be doing it soon enough
Timmy: Why?
Dad: My arms are getting tired

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Little Timmy leaves right after lunch at school

so the teacher tells him to stop. "That's not how we do things, Timmy, what does your dad say after a meal?"

Timmy looks at the teacher and says "Whelp! Better go take a shit."

What did little Timmy, with no hands, receive for Christmas?

I dunno', he hasn't opened it yet.

Little Timmy was a chemist, little Timmy is no more,

what timmy thought was H2O, was H2SO4

The teacher said “Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?”

Little Timmy said “I’m not sure, but I’ve got an uncle we keep an eye on.”

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Little Timmy goes to chernobyl

He sees a butterfly and asks "Mr butterfly, is this chernobyl?"

The butterfly replies
"Yes."

Where did little Timmy go after stepping on a landmine?

Everywhere.

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."

Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"

Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

Little Timmy is burned out working retail, so he goes to a career fair to consult a counsellor...

Timmy says "Hey Mr. Counsellor, I'm burned out, I don't like my current job and I want a career change, what do you recommend for me?"


Counsellor: "Well tell me about yourself, and what you look for in a job?"


Timmy: "I'm an introvert, I don't like to socialize, I hate it ...

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Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

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Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

Little Timmy is playing with a shape sorter.

After multiple attempts, Timmy starts getting frustrated while trying to fit a square block into an oval hole.

Timmy's father watches the sheer persistence of his son with a sort of wonder until Timmy screams,

"HOW DOES THIS A SQUARE FIT IN AN OVAL?!?"

Timmy's father, wishing to...

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Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school

The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of shit on her hands right now".

Little Timmy and lateral thinking...

In class the teacher asks Timmy "There are five birds perched on a branch. The hunter shoots one. How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam."

Teacher: "No. Listen. Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam. The others got scar...

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

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Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Little Timmy went to a brothel. Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."

"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.

"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl ha...

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Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

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Little Timmy was hanging with his 90 years old Grandpa

**Timmy :** Grandpa, What are you reading .. ???

**Grandpa** : History, My son.

**Timmy** : Why are you lying grandpa, you are reading an Erotica of sex positions.

**Grandpa** : Isn't that history for me motherfucker ?

Little Timmy drowned the other day.

He was buried in a lifejacket. It's what he would have wanted.

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

Little Timmy asked his mom "What does baby making faces mean?"

The mom answered "Baby making faces mean that there is a person a few years younger than you making funny faces"


Little Timmy moved on and said "I don't understand this, dad's friend isn't a baby, but he said on the phone he loved her babymaking face"

Little Timmy

Grandpa watched Timmy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that if he could put it back in he would give him 10 bucks. Timmy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Timmy then pushed the worm right back down the hole it came out from. Grandpa got out the 10 bucks and gave it to Timmy...

Little Timmy goes up to Grandpa O’Malley and says...

“Can I have 5 bucks for a guinea pig?”
Grandpa O’Malley says “here’s 10 bucks, go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead.

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"

His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

Little Timmy is skiing on a mountain with his family

At a certain point, he decides that it would be nice if he impressed his mother, so he shouts: "look mom, without hands!", then proceeds to drop the ski poles on the snow and go down.

After he manages to return on the top, he shouts again: "look mom, without seeing!" then puts his wool hat on...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

Little Timmy's english lesson...

...was about food today.

"Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids."

Sally raises her arm "bread!"

"Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher.

"Cornflakes!" says Billy.

"Good one, cornf...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

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Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;

"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"

And off Timmy goes...

A few days lat...

Little Timmy was struggling very hard with his math classes

Little Timmy was struggling very hard with his math classes. His parents did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, teacher meetings, and even asking the local Asian kid. Nothing worked.

Finally, in a last ditch effort they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to...

Little Timmy is asked by his teacher " Timmy how do you spell school?"

Timmy responds " S K O O L ".....
The teacher says " that is not correct . It's spelled S C H O O L ". ......
Little Timmy replies " Well , you asked how I spelled it"

So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...

...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and s...

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Little Timmy hears his parents arguing...

Little Timmy hears his parents arguing...
Mom: You bastard! Your dick is too small!
Dad: Oh yeah bitch? Well your cunt is too hairy!
*Never hearing these words before he asks them what they mean.
Mom: Oh, well, sometimes adults call each other bitches and bastards... and dick and cunt i...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

Little Timmy asked the Jewish bakery owner “What’s the challah cost?”

He wasn’t prepared for the anger-fuelled history lesson.

One day little Timmy was taking a bath...

And his Mom decided to check up on him,
"How are you doing in there Timmy?"
"Fine mom! I'm just blowing bubbles!"
"Ok then" And his mom walks away,
A while later she goes to check up on him again and knocks the door,
"Are you done with your bath yet?"
"Yes mom'
"Can ...

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

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Another little Timmy joke

Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving.

He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'.

Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'M...

Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate...

Little Timmy came to school dressed as a pirate, when the teacher noticed this she asked him, “Timmy, you’re a pirate? Where do you keep your buccaneers?” Timmy promptly replied, “I keep them in my buccan-hat!”

Little Timmy always procrastinated his schoolwork

A few weeks ago, his teacher assigned the class to write a 10,000 word paper on a great philosopher, but with just 12 hours until the paper was due, Little Timmy had not written a single word. Realizing his predicament, Little Timmy hastily took a pencil out of his drawer and sat down in front of bl...

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One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly sai...

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The kindergarten teacher would never call on little Timmy in class...

One day the teacher said, " I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet, and you raise you hand and tell me a word that starts with that letter." The class looked very excited, but not as much as little Timmy. "A", said the teacher. Little Timmy jumped out of his chair waving his hand in the air. The...

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Little Timmy comes home from his first day of school

Little Timmy comes home from his first day of school. His mom asks "how was your first day?" Timmy replies, "mom, school was awesome! I got to fuck my english teacher!" His mother becomes quite angry and says "I cannot believe this! Go to your room and wait till your father gets home!" So dad walks ...

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park. Timmy sees two dogs humping, and says, "Dad, what are they doing?" His father looks and says, "Oh, they're making a puppy."

Later that night, Timmy walks into his parents' room and sees mom and dad going at it, and says "Dad, what are you...

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Xmas morning finally came, and little timmy was so excited...

... We he opened his present and found the train set he had wanted. After the gifts were finished, he set it up while his mother went to cook dinner.

From the kitchen she hears him start up the train, then all of a sudden it comes to a stop, she hear her son say "alright, all you bitches and ...

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

"I like the way you think!"

Teacher calls on little Timmy in class one day, asking "If there are fourteen birds on a fence, and you shoot three of them with a gun, how many are left?"

Timmy says, "None--the gunshot would have scared 'em all away."

Teacher replies, "No, that's wrong--it's eleven, but I like the wa...

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

Why does little Timmy keep throwing up gang signs?

Because he ate too much of them.

An Irish boys confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputatio...

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A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town.

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town. He strikes up a friendship with little Timmy, who has a very rare disease. He promises to visit Timmy every week, and he keeps his promise.

He brings Timmy ice cream and pizza. He buys Timmy every star wars toy he can find. They ...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Timmy fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Little Timmy started playing in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
Little Timmy took a bath.

Wanna hear a cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear en even cleaner joke?
Little Timmy...

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

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A Circus Visit

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?

"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk." Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant." His mom, embarr...

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Old Man Johnson was sitting on his porch...

... When Little Timmy walked past.


"Whatchya got there, boy?" he shouts.

"Duct Tape", replied Little Timmy.

"What do you plan to do with that?"

"I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"

"Silly boy," says Old Man Johnson. "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Li...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

I know all about it.

One day little timmy overheard a conversation on the bus where a man was telling his friend how he would get his wife to tell him whatever he wanted by saying "i know all about it"

Taking the knowledge of these words little timmy went home and was
greeted by his mother, to which he said ...

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.

While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:

"-Uncle"

All the family is speechless...

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A teacher was in class...

And she decided to teach the alphabet. She would call out a letter and then ask the students to name something that began with the same letter. Well little Timmy had a potty mouth so she would be sure not to call on him.

So she began with A. “Can anyone tell me what begins with the letter...

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

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Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's...

Wet joke

It was chemistry class and the teacher asks-

"Can anyone tell me the chemical formula of water?"

Little Timmy raises hand.

"Yes, Timmy?"





"Hijklmno"

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Miss Honey is taking her kindergarten class through the alphabet

"So kids," says Miss Honey, "We're going to go through the alphabet today and see what you all remember. To start with, can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"

Slowly little Timmy's hand goes up...

"Yes Timmy, what word do you have?"

"Arsehole, miss."

"Ti...

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Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future s...

Grandpa was sitting on the porch...

...when he saw little Timmy jamming the earthworm back to its hole.
Grandpa: Silly Timmy, you cant put that worm back inside son.
Timmy: Bet you $50 i can grandpa.
Grandpa: Sure, its a deal!

So little Timmy gets hairspray from the house and sprayed it all over the worm, the worm stif...

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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

Goodnight mommy! goodnight daddy!

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! Goodnight grandma! BYE grandpa!
(the next day, grandpa died)



A week later...

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! BYE grandma!
(grandma died the morning after)



Another week passed by...

Little Timmy:...

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So this old farmer is sitting on his front porch one morning...

...with his cup of coffee and reading his daily newspaper. After a little bit, he notices young little Timmy walking down the road carring a roll of chicken wire. The farmer stands up and shouts

"Boy! Whatchu fixin' to do with that chicken wire???"

Young Timmy stops and shouts back "...

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a 10-year-old named Timmy walks up to his father

"daddy will you buy me a toy car?" asked little Timmy.

"well i don't know son, can your wiener reach your butt?" his father asked

Timmy stops and bends down for a moment.

"no... it can't." Timmy said confusedly

"then i won't buy you a toy car" his father replied and walke...

Timmy and the priest #1

One day little Timmy is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Timmy what he has.

"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

"Actually, Timmy, the most powerful liquid in the world is...

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

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The teacher is going over the vocabulary words for this week

The teacher is going over vocab words in class. She asks if anyone can use urinate in a sentence.

Little Timmy raises his hand and she calls on him.

>”Tommy says urinate but I fold him that’s asinine”

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

The teacher, Miss Brown, goes to school in a mini-skirt

At some point, Little Matt whispers to his friend:

'I saw Miss Brown's thighs!'

Miss Brown hears the comment.

'You cheeky brat! Get out of here right now, I don't wanna see you for three days!'

A while later, Little Timmy whispers to his friend:

'I saw Miss Brown's...

A boy was asking his dad what the difference is between "confident" & "confidential".

Son to Dad: Dad, what is the difference between "confident" & "confidential"?

Dad: See, here is an example, you are my son, i am confident of that.

Son: I see

Dad: Now, you know our neighbor, little Timmy, your playmate right?

Son: Yah?

Dad: He's my son too, bu...

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A teacher is giving a vocab lesson....

And she asks her students to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Julie raises her hand, the teacher calls on her.
"The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says "no Julie sometimes it can be gray or black like night."
Danny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
"Grass...

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

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"Can you whistle Timmy?"

When Little Timmy tried it too,
He found, in pain and plight -
No matter what he thought to do,
He couldn't do it right.

He pursed his lips by dusk and day;
He breathed and blew, and soon -
He huffed and puffed in every way,
At morning, night, and noon!

'I'll have to ...

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POLITICS! How does that work?

One morning the whole family were having breakfast in the kitchen and little Timmy goes to his dad who was watching the morning news on T.V. And asks: Dad? I don't get all this politics stuff... can you explain it to me?

The dad completely taken by surprise by the question answer the followin...

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

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Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. J...

The kids at middle school are studying WWII...

... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:

"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and on...

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Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"

Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. A...

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Catholic School

Little Timmy's parents were at a conference with his teachers. Most of his classes were going very well except he seemed to be struggling in math, so they tried and tried to get him the help he needed but nothing seemed to catch on. Eventually his parents decided to put him in a different school a...

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Motherfucker

Kate and Bob were having sex in their bedroom. Suddenly they hear a noise. They turn around and see little Timmy, their son, in the doorway, looking shocked. After a few seconds, Timmy turns around and runs back to his bedroom. Bob looks at his wife and says:

-I'm gonna go talk to Timmy.
<...

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

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Timmy learns about construction

Little Timmy's sitting at home complaining to his mom that he's bored.
A new house is being built next door so she says, "Why don't you go next door and maybe you can learn something about construction. Just make sure to stay out of everyone's way." "OK." Timmy replies and heads next door. Hours...

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