Liners Jokes - 34 Hilarious Liners Jokes

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

Carlin had some great one-liners.

“World ends tonight. Film at 11:00”

“Dog explodes on Main Street. Man overcome by fur.”

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Halloween puns and bad one-liners

Throw em at me!

> What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?

Ghoul-Aid

> What's a ghosts favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet

> Why did Dracula go to the doctor?

Because he was coffin

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

I'm not a big fan of one liners.

I prefer people who can handle their cocaine.

Why are all blond jokes 1 liners...

So men can understand them too!

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Mae West: One-liners from the 1930's.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

A hard man is good to find.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.<...

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!

 

 

 

### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."

I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."

What are some other good ones?

I wanted to set a record for the highest number of one liners ever read out in one session...

...but I couldn't quite get to my target of 1k.

I stopped just short of 911 jokes.

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

[Joke Requests] Im going as santa to a christmas party tonight and I need some good one-liners and jokes!

Im not looking for long winded jokes that have a punch line, more just quick witted (Some corny, some not) jokes to say. Somewhat along the lines of "can santa get some ho ho hos?" or stuff like that.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

I don’t always enjoy jokes about cocaine.

But some one liners make me snort.

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