Sailors Jokes - 42 Hilarious Sailors Jokes

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

3.14% of sailors are...

π-rates.

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

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Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their out to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.

It had no effect on their own crew because pirates only care about booty.

'How old arr you?' asked one of the pirate's sailors.

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"

And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"

And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids

(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

There were two avid sailors

who were proud of their well-kept boats (the "Tuning Fork"
and the "Robert Frost", respectively). In all ways they were evenly matched as able sailors except when it came to braiding rope. Not that the Tuning fork’s captain’s braids were deficient, but the other had a flair when it came to bra...

Some folks'll never understand sailors...

...but then again, some forecastle.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

Two Drunk Sailors:

So, these two drunk sailors arrive at this Naval port city by boat and they begin to go to each and every one of the bars. Once they get kicked out of one they go to another.

So for the rest of the night they get absolutely wasted, and when they get kicked out of the last bar they begin to st...

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint

50 sailors were marooned

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

They say the sea is salty from the tears of sailors.

After being on a ship for months with only men, I can assure you it’s not from their tears.

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

I believe the tornado chasers are the reincarnation of ancient sailors

They both hear the siren and know it’s dangerous, but they just keep going.

———

There was a tornado in my city and then I think of this.

Why are sailors so indecisive...?

Because they're always far from shore

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

Why couldn't the sailors play card games?

Because the Captain was sat on the deck

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

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How does a Navy Captain convince his sailors to stop off the back of the boat?

He gives them a stern talking to.

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are πrates

Why are electricians terrible sailors?

They are always running aground.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The docktor!

Why are French sailors afraid to count?

The last one to do it got safely to four but then he cinq.

How do retired Chinese sailors greet each other?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a group of sailors that eat turnovers?

Pie-rates

Two sailors on a boat each wanted to smoke.

However, they could not find their lighters.

So, they threw a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

How are sailors like witches?

They spend a lot of time cursing.

I'll show myself out.

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(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, “I like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor “oh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied “just tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear?

An iPatch

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.

The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.

"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask a...

Why can't sailors get fat?

Because of those darned pie rates.

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."

The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"

The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is s...

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

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