Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

I wo der how people used their free time before the internet...

I asked my eight siblings but they didn't know either.

Ole was sick. . .

So Ole went to the doctor for an examination. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the ...

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when sh...

A group of gap year students meet in a bar in Thailand. [LONG]

A group of gap year students from around the globe meet up in remote bar in the mountains of Thailand. They get to drinking and getting to know each other. Mark was from the Scotland, John was from the US, Anya was from Russia, Roberto was from Italy, Sett was from Finland.

They start shari...

Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hotdogs?

Because for them it's considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.

How do the Mexicans feel about Trump building a wall on the boarder?

They’ll get over it

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t...

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

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A heartwarming story from the war

A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guar...

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

How does a Dutch gecko know when there's an earthquake?

Van der Waals start shaking.

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

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Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

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Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO...

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.


- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their boats?

So they can Scan-der-navian

Sometimes I wonder about suicide bombers...

What makes them *tick*?

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

A father Is lounging in his study..

When one of his daughters walks in and asks "Daddy.. why is my name Rose?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face." The second daughter barges in and asks "Daddy why Is my name Daisy?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy peta...

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A Sexy Lady

A lady in a bar walks to the bartender
& put her finger into bartender's mouth...

bartender lustly kisses & licks each finger...

lady: tell ur manager ders no tissues..

Hmmmmmmmm

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An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.

The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"

The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."

The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."

The Japanese went to h...

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A Jew in Nazi Germany Reads a Nazi Newspaper

A Jew is on the bus in Nazi Germany and sees another Jew reading Der Stuermer. He asks him why he's reading that. The Jew with the paper answers
"Look, I got plenty of troubles at home and at work. The only time I can relax is on the bus. You think I want to read stories like 'Synagogues Vandali...

What's it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?

Slaw-der.

I know. It's awful.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out last night instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Funny Lass, bit fed up of all the web developers out there though. She said she prefers those who like to live on the edge, maybe perhaps, a spy-der.

What’s an antonym for under?

der

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It’s amazingly easy! If...

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An old Jewish joke.

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"

"On the contrary, Frau Eps...

An Ole and Lena joke

Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."


Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."


Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."


Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da ...

Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?”
“Eish-Yes. What you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.”
“Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society su...

A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.

He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing. About half ...

What kind of calculus do frogs use?

Der - ribbit - tives

There were three sisters

One named Lilly, one named Rose, and the other named Cinderblock. One day Lilly went to their mother and asked, "Mom, why did you name me Lilly?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a lilly petal fell on your head," mother replied.

So then Rose went to her mother and asked, "Mom, why did you ...

What is a chemist's favorite brand of shoes?

Vans of der Waals

It keeps the hot things hot, and the cold things cold

One morning, Boudreaux pulled up to Thibodeaux's house to give him a ride to work. As Thibodeaux got in the rusted, beat up truck he noticed Boudreaux's Thermos on the seat between them.

*"What's dat?"*, he asked, pointing at the Thermos.

*"Oh, dat der's a 'termos I gots at da Walmarts...

Two Swedes live across the street from one another in a small town in Manitoba...

Their names are Ollie and Sven. One morning, Sven is eating his Shreddies for breakfast and looks out the front window into Ollie's yard. Ollie has a sign out front that says "Boat for sale." Sven goes over to Ollie's house and says, "Eh, Ollie, what's this sign here? You don't even own a boat! All ...

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ...

The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog says, "Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um."

A man was going for a holiday to Acapulco, Mexico...

But since he does not speak any Spanish, he is a bit worried if he will be alright.

He talks to an old friend about his worries and the friend tells him "Don't worry! Spanish is not so hard to speak. Many words are similar to english, so if you just speak slowly enough, I'm sure they will und...

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Ole decides to take Sven hunting for the first time...

They get up very early in the morning to head out, as hunters do. Sven said, "Ole, you wait by dis der tree here, while I go down to da valley and flush out da deer. If you see a deer, you shoot it and I'll come. If you hear a gunshot over my way, you come over and help me drag 'er out."

Ole ...

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Boudreaux Goes Looking for a Job

Boudreaux got laid off from his job in Louisiana, so he needed a job. He headed to Mississippi where his cousin works at a logging company. He met with the supervisor for an interview almost immediately.

"Hi, I'm Boudreaux I'm lookin' for a job."'

The supervisor looked Boudreaux up and...

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Ole and Sven get called into the morgue....

Lars's house had burned down and a charred body was found among the wreckage. The sheriff, knowing that Ole and Sven were good buddies of Lars, called them down to identify the body. Ole goes in first and the sheriff asks him "So is this Lars?" and Ole says "Well I'm not sure now. Could ya flip h...

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Irish joke, my mum told me this over ten years ago (she's part Irish and can pull the accent) and I've created it to be a bit story like. Hope you like.

Paddy was outta work, and he ask'd his mam if she knew of any going.

She sent him down to the docks to his cousin Paddy. (Small world)

Me mam said der was a jab go'n.

(I'm going to do the rest in English cos Fuck writing it all like this!)

Paddy wasn't to happy about empl...

Why did Mr. T reject Marxism?

Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains."


*^(Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei - 1848)*

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