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Petit Jokes

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Why could the petit clairvoyant never find a dress that fits?

Everyone thought she was a medium

Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

I have started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far, I've got 15,000 signatures.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Gonna start a petition to change Reddit's name

How does Re-post-ddit sound?


...sounds bad? Gimme some slack, it's hard to create original content on here

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

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I petition that we rename classrooms to classwombs

Then maybe republicans will give a fuck about kids dying in them

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

Petition to ban all r/Fencing members from r/Jokes

Too many ripostes.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

My petite girlfriend entered a marathon and thinks she can win...

I told her she’s got no chance cuz she’s always just running a little behind.

Please sign my petition to ban shredded cheese.

Let's make America grate again!

Petition to remove titles once and for all

[me, ordering cake through the phone]
“What would you like the cake to say?
.
[covering the phone to talk to my friend] : do we want a talking cake?

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A judge is hearing Mickey Mouse's divorce petition.

After listening to his argument, the judge shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse. Your wife Minnie having an eccentric personality is not valid grounds for divorce, I'm afraid."

"Your honor," Mickey replies. "I didn't say she was eccentric, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

How do I know that petite women don't like being objectified?

Let's just say a *little bird* told me.

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I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

Petition to change "readers" to "Jokesters"

Readers just isn't appropriate for this sub-reddit, c'mon guys.
For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you can change this: http://i.imgur.com/uoRoH.jpg

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns

Not my precedent

Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.

The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: “and what would you like your new name to be son?”

“DAVID Lipchitz.”

A large woman walks into a clothing store



wanting to impress her boyfriend, and asks "I want to see the large petite clothes."

Puzzled, the sales assistant responds, "Mam, I don't think we have anything to fit..."

"Found it!" says the woman, and goes to the petite section.

After a few minutes of the woman not fi...

Obsessive Compulsive...

The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...

A man with terminal cancer asked his wife if she had ever been unfaithful

She said she had been three times, so he asked when. The first time was when they first bought a house and they needed money so she slept with a rich person.

He understood since they needed the money to get by. The second time was when he wanted to start his business so she slept with another...

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

What do you tell a person who wants to take a short nap?

"bon nap petit"

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What did the chef say to the exhibitionist?

Boner petit

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Pete met a French girl

Pete grown up in a faraway suburb, however, he was lucky, he got hired by a big company in the downtown area.

On his first day to work, he met a French exchange colleague, he instantly had a crush on her. But he kept silent all the time about it.

It was the Bastille Day, the Fr...

I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...

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How do you wish a guy who is about to have sex with a short girl?

BONE-A-PETITE

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

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What's Mr T's favourite kind of yoghurt

PETITS FILOUS!

In the small village the 5G transmitter was built.

Some time after building, the villagers started being angry about it. Soon, they made a petition against it. A secretary comes to the director of the project to inform him about the whole situation.
- Director, you may want to look at this.
- What is this?
- A petition against placing our t...

What does Kevin Spacey say when he's about to eat?

"bone a petite"

3/3 I gave up on trying to write a good joke for cake day . . .

**bundt** as a last attempt a humor, I will just do what everyone else does . . .



. . . and repost.



I really wanted to make the **mousse**t of it, but I couldn't find the right **mix** of **ingredients** to come up with something funny. Everything I wrote just seemed li...

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him to Texas for the first time...

After finishing his first sales meeting in Texas, It was getting late so he checked into a hotel and went to its restaurant for dinner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.

“Waitress” he said, “I ordered a small beer.” She said, “ This is Texas. In Texas that’s a sma...

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Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?

They like to bone a petite

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Every French waiter is an asshole to me, saying I have a small penis

They keep telling me "boner petite"

What did the man say after taking a small french woman to his room after dinner?

Bon a petite

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Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

My friend Julie was dating this guy and one day she called me crying saying she was done with him for body shaming her at their dinner, I asked her for more details,

She said he called her 'Born a petite'.

The anti-drug campaign

Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign.

The man looks towards them and says,
"Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."

The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said,

"Alright guys, we were just running a...

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

How many internet users does it take to change a light-bulb?

I dunno. Let's just sign a petition so that hopefully somebody will do it.

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What do you call a flat-breasted french woman?

Petits

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

How to be Cool

1. Fill out a petition, file it with your local civil court, and pay the fees.
2. Publish your name change, if required, then attend your hearing.
3. Change your name on your Social Security card, ID card, and all other documentation.
4. If you are getting married, write your full, new name...

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A guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign there that reads:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grilled Cheese - $2

Handjob - $10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He asks the petite bartender "Are you the little lady that gives the handjobs?"

Bartneder says "Why yes I am hun."

Guy says "well, wash those fuckin' hands...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

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Today I received a message from Facebook

Fb : we would appreciate if you signed this petition

Me: what is it about ?

Fb: it’s about your continued faith in Facebook during these troubled times and requesting the govt not to put any sanctions

Me: you assholes stole our private information and sold it to others
...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well first thousands sign a petition that the lightbulb needs to be changed, because it is using its ideology to change the room. The room was much better after the previous light bulb and we are going to go back to that. The lightbulb is a cunt. LIGHTBULB IS A CUNT. ITS ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND ...

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

I business man decides to open a bar in small town in Texas...

It was quiet little town where lot of people were god fearing and church going folk.

His bar began construction on a new building on the same street as one of the town churches (one of twelve) to increase their business. The local Baptist church among other god fearing folk of course were sho...

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NOT for the faint of heart!!

A small, skinny white guy got onto an elevator.

Just as the doors were closing, a huge, black dude walked on and stood next to him.

The big black guy looked down at the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 4 pound left ball, 4 pound right ball, Turner Bro...

Free shoes

A very beautiful brunette with long hair, long legs and a petite figure decided to go shopping for shoes. Her friends warned her that the old, lonely man who worked at the shoe-store would try to look up her skirt to see her panties.

She really wanted a pair of shoes but was dismayed that the...

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

American Indian female wrestling

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique...

A Mechanical Engineer goes to Hell...

One day a mechanical engineer woke up dead, and found himself in Hell, where he was greeted by Satan himself. Satan welcomed him to the place and asked him if there were any questions? After quickly looking around, the ME asked about the really beautiful island out in the lava floe, and asked why no...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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