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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

I've set out to lose 10 kilos this month...

Only 15 more to go.

If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight

There'd be mass confusion.

What's the difference between a 4 year old and 4 kilos of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let 4 kilos of cocaine fall out of a 49th-story window.

If you came across 10 kilos of cocaine in the back of a rental car, what would you do?

Cocaine

Dad, I lost five kilos...

That's great news, son.

Not according to my Colombian friends.

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

How much does a million kilos of evangelism weigh?

A Billigraham

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

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On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

3 Boys Flexing...

Three boys were having an argument about who's dad is the best of them. The first boy said:
-My dad is a prince and everyone greets him saying Your highness.
The second boy said:
-Well my dad is the king and everyone greets them saying My king.
The third boy said:
-WELL MY DAD WEIGHT...

A man walks into a grocery store.

Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

When I was a boy, mum would send me down to the store with $5

I'd come back with a sack of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 liters of milk, 2 kilos of flour plain and self-raising AND have a pocket full of candy. You can't do that anymore. These days there are too many security cameras.

A couple of robbers decided to rob a bank

They break and infiltrate the bank and when they open the safe, they find kilos of yogurts. Disappointed but mad, they started to drink all of them.

While they were exiting with belly full of yogurt, the robbers saw the guardian of the bank and asked him:
"-Hello sir, where do you keep th...

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, "What's the rush?"
"Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place," Answers the man.
The cop confused, "Why is there a body in the trunk?"
"Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of heroin and the other g...

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