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Gf Jokes

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

TIFU for making an incest joke around my gf

She got so mad she told our mom about it.

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

My buddy had a threesome with his GF and her twin….

I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

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My gf texted me "myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Do any of you know what "ternative" means?

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.

I was never really that much into her.

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

My gf borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding

Told her I was busy, will be there next time

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

My gf told me she had a dream about me cheating.

It’s sweet of her to have dreams of me being happy.

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

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My gf wanted me to fuck her with the car keys.

But I kept fobing her off.

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How do you make your gf scream during sex?

Just call her and tell her.

Once i had a GF with braces..

now My kids are stuck behind bars

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Last night my GF called me a fucking asshole, and broke up with me.

Now I’m just an asshole.

My GF and I decided to quit smoking.

So we bought some lube.

Gf: what are your plans for today?

Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses

Gf: and after that?

Me: I guess we'll see

My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.

Just told my friend his gf is a cheater

I sent him a text saying the y in “your girlfriend” is silent

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A guy and his gf want to find a hobby to share

She suggests to sign up for dance lessions, but the guy refuses.

She asks him why, and he says "i just don't like to do things i'm not good at"

She then asks him "then why you keep fucking me?"

(Based on a true story)

My GF said she hates my sense of direction.

So I packed my stuff and right.

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

Me and my GF had a fight about the dictionary

And you know one word led to another

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

My gf just sent me an SMS: "Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative"

I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?

Gf: I will die for you babyy

Me: Sorry I'm not a necrophile dear

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What does your GF & a condom have in common?

If they are not on your dick, they are in your wallet.

What's the difference between my horse and my gf ?

Fewer people have riden my horse

my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around

I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser

My gf wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse

But I beat her to it

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

How do you know your gf is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes...

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

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introducing my gf to my family

me: this is my gf, amanda

amanda: hi

my wife: what the fuck

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My GF

My girlfriend assures me every day that a small penis will have no bearing on our relationship.
I still wish she didn't have one, though...

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I asked my gf today...

Did you work at a chicken farm?

coz you know how to raise a cock

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

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just got a japanese gf

she's gotta be a rare breed because her private is uncensored

My gf has a OF account and it's doing very well.

I just now have to figure out how to tell her about that.

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his gf?

He wiped his ass.

My GF told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We went out and had a few drinks. Cool guy. Turns out he’s a web dev.

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A interaction between me and my GF

GF: What are those lights lights called? not the LGBTQ lights but....

Me: You... mean RGB lights?

Gf: Yes!! yes, those ones.

Both: \*laughter\*

GF: Don't call them that hahahah

Me: Nonono they're LGBTQ lights from now on.

Me: Oh yeah my computer has LGBTQ li...

"My GF said picking my nose is disgusting", a man told his friend. "So what?" his friend replied.

The guy answered "Now I have to do it myself"

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A guy is driving his GF

home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.

The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car a...

My GF says she was born by Cesarean section.

I always wondered why she left my car through the sunroof.

What Did Bulbasaur Say When He Caught His GF Cheating?

Bulbasaur

I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"

She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."

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My GF dressed up as a policewoman and arrested me of being good in bed.

After two minutes all charges were dropped

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I walked into my gf..

..having sex with her gym trainer

I told her this isnt working out.

In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.

My GF just called & said "nobody's home come on over"

I went over - nobody was home

My gf said that i need to be more affectionate....

So i got an additional gf

My blonde gf thinks...

My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

I just gave my gf the best 1hr 30 secs of her life

Shoutout to daylight saving time

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

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I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)

 

me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*

&nb...

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

My GF told me my foot fetish isn't because I love her feet

It's because my first crush was my sock

My gf is so immature.

She walks into the bathroom while I'm taking a bath,totally unannounced,and sinks all of my boats.Is it just me,or is that just totally immature.I was thinking about telling her mom.

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My gf thought I had a big cock

It was actually a ostrich.

My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park

I tried so hard.

My GF told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I guess I should’ve waited for the bulb to cool down

Son comes to his father, telling him his gf is pregnant.

And it will take $300 to take care of it. Father is unhappy but pays up. Couple of months later his other son comes to him with same story. Father, again upset, pays up again. Couple of months later his daughter comes to him telling him she's pregnant. "Finally!" exclaims the father, "now we'll get ...

I've changed so much since my GF told me she's pregnant

For example my name, address and even phone number

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment, ...

I tried to tell my GF a joke from r/Jokes...

Turns out she had already Reddit.

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

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What do politicians and my gf have in common?

They both are fucking liars (I know this is oddly specific, I’m not ok right now)

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

Me and my gf walking down the street

Gf: My lips are dry.

Me: Does it hurt to walk?

Gf: what?

Me:what?

My gf used my todo list to roll a blunt

She's high on my list of priorities

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How to make your gf scream even minutes after the orgasm?

Clean your dick with curtain.

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons

Why should you get a gamer girl gf?

She can bring joy to your stick

My gf is a snake...

Whenever you ask her whose fault was it, she goes "HISSSSSSSSSS"

Gf left me

My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......

Nevermind, Hair loss

My GF gave me a BJ on the drive over to her parents house.

In hindsight, she should have waited until after we dropped them off.

MY gf said we where breaking up , i was confused

Then i went out and the signal was lot clearer

My gf told me that I act like a clown

It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

My GF left me because I am insecure

wait, she just went to other room and came back.

I just broke up with my gf, who is an Optometrist

She's a fantastic person and I totally connect with her, but she's really annoying in bed.

She's always saying, "So, do you like it better like *this*, or like *this*?"

How does my gf like her eggs?

Ovary z

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My GF asked me if I like ass, boobs, or thighs.

She was really mad when I said dicks.

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

what do birds and my gf have in common?

Neither of them exist

My now knocked up GF just told me that she's an anti-vaxxerr

so I only have to pay for 4 years of child support instead of 18.

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My gf came out of the shower

My gf came out of the shower and said , " I just shaved my kitty, you know what that means?"

Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again.

I call my GF a plumber.

Because she cleans my pipe.

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I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

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A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.

When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curiou...

My Gf tried wearing tight jeans once.

She just couldn't pull it off

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

I tried to give my gf an eskimo kiss

...but she wasn't inuit

What do you do when your GF is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in a load of laundry with her. Save four quarters.

My GF is like the 4th reactor core in Chernobyl

Hot and non-existent

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My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...

We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...

And in exchange, we have sex!

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

I told my gf the world was flat and she became angry with me

I told her she was my world and she got angrier

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My GF told me to name all the girls that I had sex with

I should have stopped when I reached her name

GF: “ why do we need radios, our relationship is over “

Dude: “ our relationship is what? “

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist.

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

Me: Wanna 68? GF: What's that?

Me: It's a 69 but I owe you one.

my gf shouts 'daddy' while we are in bed. Which I think is a bit rude. 'Daddy'?

There's three of us here, not just you and your dad.

I Introduced my GF to my EX

She got upset. I guess she didn't like the mirror.

My best friend got a gf recently.

When he first told me, he mentioned that she had nice “assets”, and gave me a knowing look. Then he showed me her Tinder profile.

She’s a stockbroker.

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

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Bff: You don't even have gf

Me: I got 55 bitches at Reddit
(Cause karma is a bitch).

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My gf got angry when I told her I pee in the shower

As if *she* could hold her pee while shitting.

I just ended a decent relationship with my gf

That's the last time i trust reddit.

After climaxing to near exhaustion, my gf asked me to keep going

I replied, “Come again?”

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*My dad helping me find a gf*

Dad: What do you want most in a woman?

Me: My dick.

*Grounded and high fived*

My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

How did the pothead propose to his GF?

"Marijuana?"

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

I broke up with my Thai gf

all she fed me was Phat Lais

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

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When having sex i cover my gf with excel documents..

I like to spread-that-sheet.

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