Itchy Jokes - 51 Hilarious Itchy Jokes

My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

My coworker said her throat was itchy

So natural response is , it’s probably those kids in there playing tag

And now I have a meeting with HR

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Fact: If you have itchy bum in the evening

You will have smelly fingers in the morning

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

What do pigs use when they get itchy?

Oinkment.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

Why was the clock always so itchy?

Because it had tiks

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The Grocery Trip

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bagboy and thought she might approach him.

When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes."

As they headed to the door ...

What do you call a number that's red and itchy?

rational.

Wise man once say: sleep with itchy bum...

Wake up with smelly finger

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Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt

Wake up with stinky fingers.

Just remembered this from when I was 13

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$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

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A randy widow goes grocery shopping

She gets in the checkout line with the handsome bag boy, and asks for help to her car.
She stopped on the way, looked him in the eye, and said "You know, I live nearby, and I have an itchy cootchie..."
"You'll have to point it out" he answered. "All Japanese cars look the same.."

What does Homer Simpson do all day as he recovers from monkeypox?

He watches "The Itchy and Scratchy Show".

What do Asians have when their scalps are itchy.

Rice

I find that if I don’t rinse shampoo out soon enough, my skin gets itchy.

Which is okay, cuz I kinda like scratching my balls.

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A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

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Anyone know where I can get some ivermectin?

I don’t have Covid, but I am a little hoarse with an itchy butt

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What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

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New Monk

A man joins a monastery and is told he will have to take a vow of silence, and can only speak two words to the High Council every ten years on a special holy day.

He agrees, and spends ten years in contemplation. On the holy day he is seated before the council and says "Food bland". And goes ...

My wife was complaining the other night.

She said "I'm all itchy."

I told her "The B isn't silent."

Maybe she'll let me back in the house next week.

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My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke

A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."

He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."

What is the definition of pain?

A one armed man hanging off a cliff with an itchy bum.

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Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.

...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.

...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.

...man who fart in church sit in own pew.

(Feel free to add more)

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A family was having dinner when the topic of sex came up.

Teenage son: I know sex feels good for both people but does it feel better for the man or woman?

Mom replies: What feels better, an itchy ear or your pinky finger?

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

What would the Simpsons do...

If their clothes were itchy and scratchy?

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Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

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What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

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A woman is walking out of the store after grocery shopping...

The bag boy offers to help her to her car with the many bags she has. As they're walking through the parking lot, she drops a bag and a tube of Vagisil falls out. Embarrassed and red-faced, she explains "Um...I have an itchy coochee..."

The bag boy says "Look lady, you'll have to point your c...

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

Did you hear about the chiropodist who got bored and moved out of town?

He got itchy feet!

I am so, so, sorry.

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My girlfriend said she wanted a mouse pad for her birthday.

Pretty weird, I thought. Surely that would make her vagina really itchy.

I've got a fungal skin infection

It was a little itchy at the start, but now it's really growing on me.

Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Que...

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A cougar....

A cougar is feeling a little frisky and decides that young Johnny at the store who bags her groceries will be her next conquest.

After she pays for her groceries, Johnny is wheeling the basket out to her car. She leans over to him and says in a low voice, "I have an itchy pussy!"

John...

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A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee.

He comments, "Itchy knee, son?"

The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"

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A horny old woman...

was leaving the supermarket with a teenage boy carrying her bags. As she eyes the firm young boy with lust, she says "I thought you might want to know that I have an itchy pussy". The boy replies "just point to it lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me".

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A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge.

A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge when he looked down and saw a little man with no arms dancing. This cheered him up and made him change his mind about suicide.

When he got down off the bridge he approached the little man to thank him. "Thank you, I was going to jump off the bridge...

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A farmer takes his donkey to a vet

A farmer takes his donkey to a vet, as the donkey hasn't been keeping well. The vet gives some pills to the farmer and tells him.

"Take a hollow tube. Put two pills in the tube and blow the pills into the donkey's throat".

Next day, the farmer returns to the vet, all itchy and red blo...

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An itch in the knee?

A Japanese father and son were stationed at a siege tower to guard the tower's hatch. Suddenly, the father felt an itch on his left knee.

Back in the day, the Japanese thought that having an itch in the knee was a bad omen, often signifying an imminent enemy attack.

He knew that ther...

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A young man decides to kill himself by jumping off a building.

Once he reaches the top, he goes to the edge and sees a homeless old man with no arms jumping, cheering and dancing around on the street. Intrigued by the old man's joy, he comes down the building and asks him.

Young man: "Excuse me, sir. I thought about ending my miserable life today but the...

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A woman is at the checkout line in the grocery store...

And notices the bag boy is a real stud. Thick muscles under his smock, but his gorgeous blue eyes looked bored above his chiseled jaw. She slyly undid her top button to show some cleavage, but he never looked her way. Finally she purrs out a request for him to carry the bags to her car.
As they...

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A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries and while in the check out line, she becomes quite aroused by the good-looking bag boy. She tries to make eye contact, but he doesn't notice. She drops her purse on the floor and bends over to give him a look at her breasts, but he only keeps bagging her groceries. So ...

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There was this 80 year old virgin...

There was this 80 year old virgin that started getting itchy... down there....

So, she goes to the gynecologist. The dr does the examination and reports "ma'am, i'm sorry to tell you, but it appears you've contracted an STD. We'll need to do further testing to confirm." The lady is outraged! ...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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A cougar is at the grocery store.

She fills her cart with all the items on her list and gets to the cashier. While her groceries were being rung up, she happened to glance over and notice the young strapping 17-year old high school boy carry out that was bagging her groceries. She was quite taken by his good looks and build so she t...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

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