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Idiots Jokes

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
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"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."

The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.

After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.

"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a ...

Whose the idiot?

The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inq...

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

Two idiots are building a house

They just finished the framing and are starting to nail siding on to the house. While one holds the siding,the other drives the nails into it.

The guy holding the siding watches as his buddy with the hammer picks up a nail out if the box, hammers it in, picks up another nail out if the box, ...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

cactus' are idiots

They are a bunch of pricks

Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel

A REALIST sees a freight train

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?

Numb and Number.

A tale of two idiots

Two yokels get a job at a factory. First day on the job, the manager tells them how to do their task on the assembly line.

He goes to take of something, and comes back half an hour later to find one of the yokels working exactly as directed, and the other one hanging from the ceiling.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was scrolling through Twitter and says, "wow, some people are fucking idiots!"

I replied, "I know, I'm one of them"

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

What do you call someone that studies idiots?

A derpetologist.

Fool: Why do ducks walk like idiots?

Wiseman: Why do idiots walk like ducks?

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

How many idiots does it take to paint a wall?

101 - one to hold the brush and the other 100 to move the wall.

Where are the idiots?

Every day, Dad drives Johnny to school. One day because of emergency, Mom has to drive.

So while on the road, Johnny looked left and right with a quizzical look. Mom noticed it and asked:

Mom: what's wrong Johnny?

Johnny: I wonder where are the idiots today. When Dad's driving,...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay, so let me tell you about the idiots I work with...

First off, there's this girl that always follows me around like a puppy. Which isn't so bad because she's pretty hot, but man is she *dumb*. Like, really fucking dumb. She has convinced herself she's going to be a professional model one day and... well I don't see it happening. Needless to say, ...

Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the th...

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Dad, what are idiots?

\- "Are they kind of animal?" kid asks dad.

\- "No son, those are people like you and me." dad answers.

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

How many idiots does it take to arrest a protestor?

Apparently more than the entire Russian Riot Police combined, because they got the bicycle but the rider still got away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

I tried to find an anagram for "napping idiots."

The result was disappointing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

3 idiots walk into a bar....

They all order a round of drinks and inform the bartender that they are celebrating.
The three idiots lift their glasses into the air and together they shout "53" and skull their drinks.
They continue to order drinks throughout the night and evey time they toast and yell "53"
Finally curios...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three; one to hold the bulb and two to turn the chair

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

I'm surrounded by idiots

Unfortunately, I am currently stuck in a mirror maze.

What do you call a group of idiots?

A dim sum.

Some idiots only write the word lockdown,

Because they can’t spell kwarinteen

All the rich idiots in my town drive BMWs.

It's the only foreign car they can spell.

During World War II, there’s a brutal battle between the Allied Forces and the Germans.

The Germans are sustaining heavy casualties. The German commander is preparing to sound the retreat, but he receives word that the Allies have cut the Germans off from the rear.

With no choice left and to save his men, he gives the order to surrender. German soldiers begin frantically waving...

I wish we cold stop idiots from being literate.

Then jokes like this would never happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two idiots were boasting to each other.

"Back in my home town, we were so poor that we ate the lizards crawling on our walls." Says Manny.

"Oh yeah? In my home town we ate literal shit just to survive." Jinkee said.

Manny then proceeds to take a shit on his hand. "Alright then. Eat this."

Jinkee says, "Why? We're no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

Two idiots walk down the street and one turns to the other to ask:

"Can I walk in the middle?"

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to prevent idiots from hoarding toilet paper?

Call it corona paper.

You know why there are so many idiots in Alabama?

Because they're against abortions.

How do you keep millions of idiots in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

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