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Hotter Jokes

You know what’s hotter than smoking?

The radiation that follows it

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 5th grade. Which one is hotter?

The blonde..because she’s 18.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

Why do Macs run hotter than PCs?

Because they don't have Windows.

My dog is hotter than your dog...

Is your dog even a hot dog?

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

There's nothing hotter than intrigue on the ocean

That's a spy sea.

If someone is hotter than you,

then you are cooler than them.

Having a fever made me even hotter

And for the cherry on top I gained a couple degrees

I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back.

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend.

She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day.

(Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the...

Boy: Why are girls so much hotter than boys?

Girl: Coz boys have two 5watt bulbs and one 40watt tube, whereas girls have two 500watt bulbs and one 3000watt oven.

Hey y'all, I tried my best to convert this from Hindi to English.

Why are people always hotter when they're standing up?

Sitting down they're only 90 degrees, standing up they're 180.

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

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*Cannibals preparing a soup*

Two missionaries were sitting in a large pot of water as several cannibals built a fire under the pot.

Other cannibals were busy slicing potatoes, carrots and other vegetables an adding them into the pot with the two missionaries.

The water started getting hotter and hotter the missi...

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Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

You know, I think Nature has a humiliation kink

The worse we treat it, the hotter it gets.

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to hell. There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.

So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.

Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire l...

Dating a blonde

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, wh...

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister a...

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...

brophilosphy

If I am hotter than my bro, does that make him cooler than me .

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

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Fuck its hot.

Hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

Nobody seems to talk about the Amazon Rainforest

I thought it'd be a hotter topic by now

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There has never been a better time to be an ecosexual...

The Earth's getting hotter every day!

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A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

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What is the similarity between earth and a pussy?

The deeper you go, the hotter it is...

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

(Thought of this in the shower. It’s a little cheesy)

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

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Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend?

ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?

ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

To me, girls are like porta-potties.

The hotter they are, the less likely I am to get inside of them.

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Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.

Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.

Stanley said,"Look, ...

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Two muffins

Are sitting in an oven, slowly starting to bake.

One says, "Man, sure is getting hotter in here, don't you think?"

The other replies,"Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well b...

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

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Best weight loss In town!

A new fitness center was advertising around the city with their fool-proof method of losing a substantial amount of weight in under an hour!

Tom was an out of shape guy that wanted to lose weight badly, but was skeptical about this new spot.

After hearing many of his friends and colle...

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Why did god make homosexuality a sin?

Because His boyfriend thought that would make it hotter.

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Tried it in /funny, didnt work there so now Im trying it here :) Best joke I know

First off, sorry for the shitty english, not a native...
A guy have just been invited to his girlfriend for dinner and sleepover for the first time. Since theyve never done "it" he got really excited and thought that this would be the day he lost his virginity. So the day before the dinner he goe...

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...

He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn ...

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

My friend had asked me for tips that may help his erectile dysfunction

Apparently, a hotter wife wasn't a good answer.

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So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

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I was with a woman the other night, she told me she was very tight down there..

So we're going at it, and she asks me to put a finger in her. I proceeded with not problem.

Things were getting hotter and wetter...so she asked me to insert another finger. I complied.

It was obvious she was having fun, but after a few minutes, she asked me to add a third one. Guess w...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

Shout out to Mother Earth!

She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.

I asked my husband to go upstairs to help our daughter with her Spelling homework

Her assignment was to create a word search with this week’s spelling words. 20 minutes later I hear him saying “colder”, “getting warmer”, “hotter”, etc. So I went upstairs to see what was going on. He had written each word on an index card and hid them around the room for her to find! That’s th...

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

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Boudreaux goes to Hell

So one day, Boudreaux gets into a boating accident and dies. Unfortunately, St. Peter sends him to hell.

Later on, the devil's making his rounds and sees Boudreaux, just sitting on a rock, smiling like an idiot. The devil goes up to him and says, "Hey, why the heck are you smiling? You're in ...

A big game hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man had undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal from feeling its skin, and if he could locate the bullet hole ...

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A guy is walking down the road...

When he finds a ladder going straight toward clouds.
He climbs it and finds a really ugly, disgusting woman.
Who are you? He asks.
Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success.
He climbs further and finds an average looking woman and asks her:
"Do you want me to fuck you?" ...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

A joke from the 6-year old my girlfriend babysits...

They are watching TV, and this conversation happens...

GF: "It's cold, I'm freezing in here."

KID: "Let me guess. Your house is much hotter."

GF: "No, actually it's much colder because my roommate doesn't want to put the heat on."

KID: "So why don't you just put it on?...

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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

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A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

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