UPJOKE
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A preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven...

There is a guy in front of him waiting to go to Heaven, too.
The preacher asks the guy, “what did you do in your life?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was a bus driver. But I always stole and cheated and broke the law a lot.”
The preacher says, “In my life I was a preacher. I always gave to cha...

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A man baught a donkey from a preacher

The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately...

During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.

He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.

When they finished the Precher asked how’s my hearing?

I said idk it isn’t til next week.

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't ...

An old man was attending his wife's funeral. The preacher walked up to him and said, "May she rest in peace."

The man replied, "I don't know about her, but I certainly will."

A preacher and a young boy were sitting at a bus stop.

The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"

The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg t...

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.

The preacher was taken aback.

The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.

The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

Our preacher is the most tolerant, forgiving person I know...

When I run into him at the liquor store, he pretends he doesn't see me.

What did the scarecrow preacher say to his congregation

Can I get a hay men

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."

Why did the preacher get wet?

The church had a holy roof.

An elderly preacher and his wife of a similar age are ecstatic when she becomes pregnant...

They'd tried for years when they were younger, but after it never happened they'd given up on the idea, deciding it just wasn't in God's plan for them. They told their friends and family the good news.

One of them told the local paper about the miracle child, and since it had been a slow news...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

What sound does a preachers gun make?

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Pew Pew!

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

A man leaves his wintry home...

A man leaves his wintry home for a holiday in the sun, to be joined by his wife the following day.

When he arrives at their villa he sends a quick email to his wife but, unfortunately, when typing her email address he misses one letter and his email is directed instead to an elderly preacher'...

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

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Three preachers and their wives die in a car accident.

They all show up in line at the pearly gates, and the first couple walk up to St. Peter. St Peter says to the first preacher: "You've been pretty good you know, but you loved money so much you married a girl named Penny. You go on down to purgatory for a bit until you're sorry." Second preacher walk...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen"

The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got exited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" ...

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

A preacher's wife comes home from shopping with a very expensive dress.

The preacher cringes when he sees the dress. "We're on a budget, remember?"

"I know we're on a budget," replies the wife, "but the devil himself went shopping with me. He convinced me to try on the dress."

The preacher facepalms. "When that happens, you're supposed to say, 'Get behind ...

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In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him...

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

A preacher rides into a town in the old west...

As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"

The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of peyote and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you...

My sister's band opened for the Manic Street Preachers tonight

Before their set, she said "If you tolerate this, the Manic Street Preachers will be next."

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Evangelical Preacher

There was a Priest, an Evangelical Preacher, and a Rabbi walking along come upon a trunk with a million dollars in it. They talk among themselves asking each other what should they do with it?

The Rabbi says, "I think we should draw a circle on the ground then we throw it in the air, tha...

A couple were at their wit's end with their two sons...

So they sent for a fire and brimstone preacher who they had heard had success in correcting the behavior of naughty children. He came into their house on a dark, stormy night, dressed in black in a long coat, still dripping with rain. He brought the youngest into a room and shut the door, then turne...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then fi...

My father-in-law is a retired preacher.

The put him out to pastor.

The preacher and the ghost.

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the gh...

Old joke from my missionary grandpa.

Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.

"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny....

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Gary Delaney

"We found my uncle dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his ass.

At the funeral, the preacher said he would be remembered for his charity work.

Wrong."

A Preacher fell in the ocean...

and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eve...

A Priest was driving down the road with a drunk driver right behind him.

The Priest was distracted and ran off the road and down a steep embankment. The drunk seeing this stopped to help. He ran down the hill and approachedthe priest's car. The drunk said" you alright preacher?” The Priest said,” yes son, the Lord was riding with me.” The drunk responded, “ You better le...

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

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A preacher goes fishing for the day

He ends up on the dam and catches a few fish and isn't sure what the fish are, so he walks over to another fisherman and asks him what kind of fish they are. The other fisherman looks at him and says "Well you caught them off the dam, so I guess dam fish."

Later that night he is sitting down ...

Church service

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

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What’s a preachers favorite sex position?

Missionary

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Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the back...

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

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Preacher buys a mower

A little boy was participating in his family’s yard sell one day, and was selling an old push mower his dad no longer used.

A preacher was walking by and liked the price. He asked the little boy if it worked. He told him it did, and the preacher paid him and took the mower home.

When...

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A preacher goes to prostitute...

A preacher goes to a prostitute. After the deed when he is leaving,

Prostitute : "Sir, money?"

Preacher : " Are you kidding me, honey?, I will never take money from you for this."

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi ....

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi are walking together on a hot summer day. They happen upon a nice looking pond and decide to take a dip. Having no clothes to change into; they agree to skiny dip. Just as the three are getting into the pond they hear a group of people approaching the pond down the ...

A Preacher is at his dying church members bed

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something

The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer
"What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked

The man looks a...

Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday...

They met one week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sisters, I'll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?"

Miss Bertha piped up, "I Shall Not Be Moved!"

They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sister...

A preacher is warning sinners in the high street

"The end is nigh!" He shouts at passers-by. And a guy shouts back at him "Nigh!!"
This puts him off a bit, but he carries on. "Be warned al you sinners, for the end is nigh!". And again the guy behind him shouts "Nigh!!" even louder.
This carries on all day until the preacher snaps at the guy...

A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.

After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

What do you call it when the preacher farts during his sermon?

A blast from the pastor.

(Now don't make any Jimmy Swaggart/sermon-on-the-mount references, this is a family-friendly forum)

A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar

where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop. 

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to ...

A priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi were at the bar debating over which of their religions was best

The priest suggested a competition. He said that the best way to figure out whose religion was best was to see who could convert an atheist to his own religion.

“No that’s too easy,” said the Rabbi.

Suddenly, a bear walked by and the Baptist preacher said, “the true religious man wou...

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

What does it mean when a preacher looks at the clock?

Absolutely nothing.

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Little Johnny again.....

So little Johnny sitting on a street corner playing with a mason jar full of a clear liquid. As he sits on the curb slowly tilting the jar back and forth watching the bubbles run he's noticed by the local preacher who walks over to check up on him. Good morning Johnny, what are you up to on this fin...

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Tiger Woods and a preacher play golf.

Tiger Woods and a local preacher get paired off at a charity golf tournament. On the fourth hole, Tiger misses an easy, 6 foot putt, and shouts "God dammit!" The preacher turns to him and says, "Tiger, you've already angered God. If you blaspheme any more, God will smite you where you stand." 3 ...

A preacher visits an elderly congregation member

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. 
"No, not at all!" the woman replied. 
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that in...

A Preacher

A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home...

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A Preacher was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said;

A Preacher was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said; "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would yo...

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged

"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"

"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post offi...

Worlds Smartest Man, Worlds Strongest Man, a Preacher and a Boyscout

...are all on a plane and it's about to crash.
Problem is there is only 3 parachutes.

So...
The worlds smartest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds smartest man, I can solve many problems and find solutions for the future of humanity". He jumps out the plane.

The w...

What do you call the daughter of a drug addicted preacher?

Methany

A preacher, priest and rabbi walk into a bar...

They sit down and have a chat. Eventually they begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.

The preacher says "On Sundays we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for...

A minister and his friend in the congregation were fans of rival sports teams.

When they were due to play each other, the two made a gentleman's agreement not to pray for their team.

The minister's team ended up losing quite badly, and he decided to tease his friend about it from the pulpit on Sunday.

"My friends, you know that Doug and I back different teams. W...

Do you want to go to heaven?

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

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A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

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A preacher in the Wild West, ...

... beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.

One day he says to his wife, "I've got an idea for my next sermon. I think I'll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi." His wife says, "If you do, I'm ...

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

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A Hindu, a Jew, and a TV Preacher...

A Hindu, Jew, and televangelist are traveling together when it starts getting dark. They see a ranch in the distance and decide to ask the rancher if they can spend the night.

They knock at the door. "Do you mind if we sleep in your barn tonight?"

"Well sure but you don't all have to....

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Preacher are out for a round of golf...

The Rabbi shanks one into the water hazard and they walk down to retrieve it. As they’re looking for the last ball together, they spot something reflecting the sun from under the water. One of them picks up what appears to be a glass jar, FILLED with gold coins!

Soon they have realized that t...

God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?" God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians." "What is H...

A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier...

...were on a small airplane when they began to experience some bad turbulence. The captain of the plane instructed them to each throw out some of their personal possessions to reduce the weight of the plane so they could land safely. The preacher threw out some wooden crosses. The librarian threw...

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.

A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop's room. "What shall I do, bishop? They're asking me to give a sermon and I don't have anything prepared!"

"Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord." said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the pries...

3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man...

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant preacher and a rabbi see a kid walking down the road.

The preaches says "Hey, look at the cute little kid!"
The priest says "Let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, confused, says "Out of what?"

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..

"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"

The whole church came forward except for one guy. Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.

Again the man just sat there.

"Sir," said the preacher, "don't...

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of y...

A humor-challenged preacher really wanted to try to use jokes to make his sermons more engaging.

One day, he went to hear a speech, and the speaker said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!". The audience was shocked. The speaker then said the punchline, "and that woman was my mother!" and he got a lot of laughs.

The preacher decided to copy ...

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher are taking a group of children on a cruise ship when all of the sudden it starts to sink...

The preacher says "We need to save the children!" The rabbi responds " Fuck the kids!" And the priest says "Do you think we have time?"

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says

"what have you had to drink tonight?"

The preacher replies

"Only water, sir."

The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"

The preacher, with a confident retort, says

"Dammit, he's done it again."

A Preacher and His Dentures

A preacher went to get his teeth pulled. As a result he would need dentures. The first Sunday after, he preached 10 minutes. The second he preached 20 minutes and the third he preached an hour and a half.

Some members of the congregation asked about the different amounts of time. The preache...

Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you...

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

What's the difference between a preacher and pimples?

Pimples come on your face AFTER puberty!

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

New Alabama Preacher

The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

No, ma'am," he replied. "I...

John is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river...

He walks into the river, finally bumping into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks John, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" John shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him ...

What did the triangle say to the preacher?

Forgive me father for I have sin().

A preacher recently died...

His name was Mike Thompson. He left behind his wife of 40 years Alice.

Meanwhile, another Mike Thompson from Seattle was away on business. His wife Allison was awaiting an email from him regarding when he was coming home because they had a wedding to go to that Friday and it was going to be ...

The Preacher's Horse

A preacher decided to sell his horse so he put an ad in the paper. One day a man came by and said sir I would like to buy your horse. The preacher said okay, but I must warn you he only understands "church talk". The man being slightly confused replied, What do you mean "church talk?" The preacher s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day.

An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day, when the old man hits his ball into a creek.

"Shit, I missed," he says.

"You really shouldn't talk like that," the preacher responds, "God is always watching."

The old man apologizes and the two continue their game. A few holes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher…

…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."

"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.

The next day, at the groc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Jonny and the annoying preacher!

During the summer, little Jonny and his parents had just moved into a new house that just happened to be right next to a church. After unpacking, and a good nights rest, little Jonny was awakened pretty early in the morning, by a loud voice coming from the church next door. He peered out his window ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher was telling his congregation about the virtues of forgiving their enemies.

He asked if anyone there had no enemies. An 85 year old man raises his hand. The preacher is amazed. He says, "Will you tell us, good sir, how is you have no enemies?" The old man says, " yeah, I've outlived all the fuckers."

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.

The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about that new movie, "The Homophobic Preacher"?

Hasn't come out yet.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A preacher and soldier are on a plane that is falling out of the sky with no parachutes...

The preacher turns to the soldier and angrily says “God has failed us. I have devoted my life to him and he rewards me with this?” The preacher promptly throws his bible out of the airplane.

The soldier reaches over to comfort the preacher. The soldier looks at him and says “before we die, I’...

A preacher was an avid golfer.

Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to p...

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

Now You Tell Me

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me...

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