UPJOKE
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Ahold Jokes

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?

A midwife crisis.

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks...

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

A man was hiking on a mountain when a small rockslide took him towards a cliff

The man managed to grab ahold of the cliff but was barely hanging on. Not knowing what else to do he looked up towards the sky and shouted “God, if you’re up there, please help me!”

The man heard a voice say “I’m here. I will protect you, but you need to let go.”

The man then shouts “I...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?

Nun: I would lift up my dress

Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?

Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down

Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?

Nun: I wou...

Ghetto camping terror.....

The year was 2009. My son, one of his friends, and I were ghetto camping.

That's when you pitch a tent in your backyard. Or in my case the neighbors yard.

Telling some really horrible ghost stories, when out of no where, an animal started rustling around by the garbage cans.

M...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

Joke my grandad told me :)

Two men, a Irishman and an Englishman where talking when they learnt that at the moment there was a massive demand for crocodile skin shoes, wanting to take ahold of this opportunity the Irishman and the Englishman bought two guns and set sail to Africa, when they arrived they went they’re separate...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

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A farmer and his wife are sitting on the front porch...

The farmer looks over at his wife's breasts and says "If I could get milk out of those, I could get rid of the cows"

The wife takes offense, but lets it slide this time.

After a few minutes the farmer looks down at his wife's crotch.
"If I could get eggs from that I'd get rid of th...

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

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A man in his forties goes to his doctor.

A man in his forties goes to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor goes over his physical and blood work and says "Well Mr. Smith, everything looks great! You are in excellent shape and health for a man ten years younger! Do you have anything going on that might be concerning you?". Mr. Smith replies...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. (NSFW)

Saint peter tells the three men that heaven is pretty crowded and they’re enforcing a new policy. Whichever of them has the most interesting death story will be allowed into heaven and the others will be sent to hell to prevent overcrowding.

Saint peter asks the first man how he died.
...

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Chicken and the horse

Chicken and the horse are frolicking in the meadow. Horse gets stuck in the mud hole and says "Hey chicken, go fetch the farmer so that he can get his Mercedes over here and pull me out of this mud hole". Chicken runs to the farmhouse to inform the farmer. Farmer drives out in his Mercedes, attac...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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So I was at the grocery store

getting a few things for the weekend, and I noticed an old lady staring at me... once I caught her she swiftly looked away. I approached the dairy aisle and could feel this old lady staring at me again, so I went into the next aisle, she followed right behind me and kept looking at me. Feeling very ...

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