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Loyal Jokes

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Penis is the most loyal part of your body

And when times are hard, it stands up for you

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

Sir Lancelot's Loyal Horse

As King Arthur leaves Kamelot for some important king business, Queen Guinevere sends a note to noble knight Lancelot inviting him to visit her at her chambers. Upon receiving the note, Lancelot rejoices, kisses the paper and harries to his Loyal Horse.

'My friend and comrade' - says Lancelo...

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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I'm so loyal to my Girlfriend

The Porn I watch doesn't even have women in it

Why are lights in a series more loyal than lights in parallel?

If one goes down in a series, they all go down with it.

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My man is so loyal...

That he watches porn, without girls in it.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

Robots are the most loyal lovers

Their love just can't be bot.

Unlike you guys, I’m loyal

I would never cheat on my girlfriends!

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.



One day while Ben was on his comput...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

Loyal Guards

Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr....

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

My wife thinks it's hot that I'm so loyal to her.

I said her sister told me the exact opposite.

"Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country."

-His 3rd wife

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

My wife came home from work and stormed into the bedroom.

She looked at me, sat on the edge of the bed, and sighed deeply.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently," she continued, "and you're always hanging around with that woman from work...Rachel?"

"Roch...

Loyal wife

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been wi...

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

A woman named Lorraine Lee introduced her boyfriend, Frank, to her family for the first time.

As Frank greeted Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Lorraine's stunning sister, Claire, whispered something to him. Curious and suspicious, Lorraine decided to check on them and found Frank and Claire in bed together. Lorraine confronted Frank, who pleaded for another chance. Reluctantly, Lorraine agreed, but made i...

[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He manag...

Women say all men are dogs

but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

An old man is on his death bed...

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.

He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"

"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies

He continues, "...and wha...

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, an...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"



The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"



"I've built t...

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.

"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"...

Three women die enter hell, and Satan greets them at the doorway.

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I...

An engineer dies...

An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life.

"I'll take i...

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

Elderly Woman and Her Cat

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."

The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transf...

A MSU fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Michigan fan, are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The MSU fan insists that he is most loyal and then yells, "This is for SPARTANS!" and jumps off the
mountain.

Not to be out done, The Notre Dame fan next professes his love for his team. He screams,"This is for the Irish" and pushes the Michigan fan off the mountain.

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A King was about to leave the kingdom for a long journey

However, he was jealous that every servant and Knight in the castle would want to approach his queen.

He therefore created a chopping mechanism that would cut anything that would penetrate his wife. He put that belt around his woman and left.

After three months he returned to the castl...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest...

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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs

Seriously I don't know how to react. I've been his loyal customer for 3 years and I didn't know he was a barber

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”

“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

“Well,” said the second friend, “I want them to say that I was a man who never gave up on my dreams and lived a very fulfilling life.”

“As for me”, said the thi...

My girlfriend just cheated on me...

Lets hope my other two are loyal.

If I cheat I'm gonna do it in the morning

Because at the end of the day I'm loyal

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So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says

"Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical." So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.

Then Pope Francis tells her "Well Elizabeth with a wave of my hand, I can give every Irishman and Scotsman eternal joy." To whi...

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Stereotype confirmed

A popular ventriloquist was out on tour and one night he was performing in front of a sold-out crowd at a well-known club in New York City.
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his signature blonde jokes, which always got a lot of laughs from his loyal fans.
Suddenly, a sexy yo...

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

My husband has weird fantasies

Like being loyal

Cats

Its true that dogs are loyal.

But cats dont tell the police where your drugs are hidden.

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

John asks Crystal to prom

Crystal says she would love to go to prom with him. So John starts to get everything.

The first thing he wants to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the local shop and notices the line to get one is extremely long. But, being the kind and loyal man he is he waits and gets his tuxedo

John also...

One day, God visits Adam as he walks through the Garden of Eden...

"My son, I've decided to end your loneliness and give you a companion. She shall be called Eve, and she will be beautiful, never age, always stay faithful, and be loyal to your every command. She will fulfill all of your desires and make you feel complete as a man."

To which Adam replies "So...

A priest walks into a hotel

A priest walked into a hotel in the month of march and asked the manager- "is room no. 39 empty?

Manager- yes it's empty. You can take it

Priest: ok

Manager: And yes my room right in front of room 39 so if you face any difficulties just call me

Priest: ok and pls send a k...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

A guy is trying to sell his dog to a potential buyer:

\-Healthy?

\-Healthy!

\-Intelligent?

\-Intelligent!

\-Loyal?

\-The most! It's the 5th time I'm selling him.

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

A joke I heard when I was a boy

It’s my Cake Day, so go easy on me if you’ve heard some rendition of this...

The king was leaving to go off to war and had a special chastity belt made for the queen. If a man tried to enter the queen while he was away, the belt would automatically cut off his member.

The king came bac...

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

My boss came to work with a new Ferrari

“Nice car, boss!” I complimented

“If you work harder with conviction,stay committed and loyal to the company, I would be able to get another one soon” the boss replied

Dogs vs Girlfriends

If you ever want to see who is more loyal, your dog or your girlfriend, just take both of them in their sleep and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for a couple of hours, park, open the trunk, and see which one will be happy to see you.

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It’s really misogynistic and hurtful to call women bitches, because bitches are female dogs and...

Dogs are loyal

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A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.

The king says to the general " you're my most loyal general, all these people have ...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

I like my men, like how I like my dogs.

Loyal, easy to look after and always licks me.

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

Originally an Arabic joke!

A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, “How is this supposed to help? It’s not gonna kill me?” The pharmacist says “Oh no, you see, ...

So Adam was lonely.

God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She w...

3 men died and they come to gates of heaven...

St. Peter asks the first one: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The man says: " Many times, about 15"
St. Peter gives him keys of an old VW Golf IV and lets him into heaven
He asks the second man the same thing: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The second man says: " Onl...

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can’t see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the...

Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest...

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim....

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Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...

Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.

Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his w...

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

The Tale of Arnold Chegwin

When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he se...

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

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George The Mailman

It’s George The Mailman’s last day on the job after 30 years and the last go at his route. He delivers mail to the first house and there is a nice little envelope with his name on it and a $20 bill thanking him for his loyal service over the years. The second house had a nicely wrapped package for h...

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her tea...

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Infinity loop

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

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This morning I had a job interview

It was for an upper management job, so they started directly with the tough trick questions:

"For your CFO post, you have to choose between three assistants. We asked them what would they do if they caught you committing embezzlement and fraud, and these were their answers:

1 - "My loy...

Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obviou...

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