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Gentlemen Jokes

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Two well endowed gentlemen needed to relieve themselves in a great hurry on a dark and rainy night

They were standing dockside so decided to pee into the harbor several feet below. Midstream, one turns to the other and says, waters cold tonight. The other replies, and deep.

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

What do you get when you cross KFC with a gentlemen's club?

Chicken strips!

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."<...

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shook his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he said. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander."

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SCREAMING!

A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns.

What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Acr...

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen...

...named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a p...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What ...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman i...

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

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A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

Three gentlemen walk into a bar

The fourth ducks

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Tales of Italian Gentlemen.

A woman gets onto a bus and sits in front of a couple of Italian gentlemen. They talk very loudly but she ignores it. But a few minutes later she hears one of them say, "Emma comes first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again then ...

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

The Gentlemens Club of Jokes

In search of a new hobby a man enters a club where several men sit at table, drinks and cigars at hand.
From time to time someone says a random number and everyone is laughing. Bewildered, the man takes one of the gentlemen aside and asks "What the heck is going on here?" - "Well, you see, we tel...

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

Gentlemen walking down the street stops by the barber shop

He opens the door, sticks his head in and says, "Bob Peters here?"

Barber says, "Nope, we just do shaves and haircuts."

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

The year is 1799. Napoleon is strategizing with his advisors. A map of Europe is on the table before them...

Napoleon says "Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!"

One advisor asks "What is your plan, General?"

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. "All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to u...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

The Patriots are true gentlemen.

They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

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And They Say There Aren't Any Gentlemen Around Anymore

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I am opening the door for you because I am a gentleman."
Wife: "I AM TAKING A SHIT, YOU MORON!"
Me: "Ok, m'lady."

Two elderly gentlemen sit inside of a nursing home, casually sipping their coffee...

The one facing the door glances up at the night shift tech who’s leaving for the day, glimpsing him press the code 1749* into the door before opening it and leaving.
He softly says to the other one, 1749*.
The second man smiles contentedly, “We’re breaking out tonight.” They winked and let o...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

A wife decides to surprise her husband at the office one day, and finds him on the phone with his hot secretary perched on his lap.

The husband catches sight of his wife at the same time. Without missing a beat, he says into the phone, "And in conclusion, Gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I can't be expected to continue running this office with only one chair."

Two elderly gentlemen on a bench

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Li...

A sign in male toilet:

# Dear Gentlemen! Don't flatter yourself, step closer.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."

"... it'll tip over"

(Credit to The Golden Girls)

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts licking himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

3 Elderly Gentlemen Go for a Walk on the Beach...

The first remarks, "It's windy today!"

"No!", replies the second, "It's Thursday!"

"Me too!", shouts the third over the sound of howling wind, "Let's go for a drink!"

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.

One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fi...

Avogadro's number walks into the CIA

One of the spies takes a look at him and says, "Gentlemen... we have a mole."

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey?

Assless Chaps



My coworker used to tell me this one.

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Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon.

Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Indian got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the w...

There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want...

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Three gentlemen were hired to reduce tge usage of drugs at school.

Each one was free to choose their own method, as long as it served their cause.

Three months later, the men had a meeting to discuss the effectiveness if their campaign, rheir progress so far and future plans. The first man stood up and said:

"During these three months, I convinced 100...

[On an aeroplane] Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet in the air.

Me: There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife: You never take a break, do you?

What do you call a jury of well-endowed gentlemen?

A hung jury.

An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Spaniard and A German go to a magic show



They arrive late so all the seats were taken. The 4 gentlemen decide to stand in the narrow walkway at the back, one behind the other.

The Magician on stage notices them standing there, and asks the gentlemen:

"Can you all see me from there?"

So the gentlemen reply in or...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

British airways

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back...

Two men die and go to heaven, St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a r...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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A Movie Studio President...

A movie-studio president who was not exactly noted for his knowledge of the English language received a well-written story titled *The Optimist*. After reading the manuscript, he called a meeting of the company's most creative minds and announced, "Gentlemen, we got us a great story here, but I wan...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

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Two gentlemen walk into a bar and sit down. The first man asks the bartender for some "H2O."

The second man, nodding in agreement says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The bartender quickly gets their drinks together and sets it down in front of them. The first man takes a sip of water and comments how refreshing that was.

The second man pulls out a knife and stabs the first man a b...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

A group of wealthy gentlemen were sitting at a luncheon arguing over who made the most money...

Man #1 says "I am the wealthiest man here. I am a banker. Every month, I make a handsome profit in the interests on all my loans at once."

Man #2 says "Ah, but I own the operations of a massive oil production. I never even have to work and every quarter my profits triple because demand is so ...

Never lie to an elephant

There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:

"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?

Well it's because an elephant never...

never...

An elephant, uh,...

A group of coworkers are sitting around

discussing how much work and fun is involved in completing a project.

First, the junior colleague says, "Completing a project is about 80% fun and 20% work."

Then the team lead replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."

The m...

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So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there..

* He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea.
* He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea.
* Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...

Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?

Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

Good British Humour....

During World War II, many exclusive British Clubs opened their doors to American Servicemen. 

One evening at a 300-year-old Club, an American  NCO stopped a steward  in a hallway and asked, “Hey Mac, where’s the damn Loo?” 

The Steward, who looked like Jeeves replied, “Glad to be of se...

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"

Theres ...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

At a wedding reception I attended, some one said, "Gentlemen, please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage

"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".

Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.

"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front ro...

Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...

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