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Ladies And Gentlemen Jokes

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shook his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he said. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander."

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."

"... it'll tip over"

(Credit to The Golden Girls)

My boyfriend ladies and gentlemen: What do you call raw meat that's running late?

Tardy Tartar

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

[On an aeroplane] Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet in the air.

Me: There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife: You never take a break, do you?

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

British airways

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back...

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

Never lie to an elephant

There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:

"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?

Well it's because an elephant never...

never...

An elephant, uh,...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped

and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.
Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when
the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen!
You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-
Fall of Turkey
Breakup of...

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"

Theres ...

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage

"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".

Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.

"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front ro...

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Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

A British Airways plane...

Makes a crash landing in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

Somehow everyone survives, and the pilot comes over the speaker system... Ladies and Gentlemen, please listen to my instructions very carefully, those who can swim I want you out on the left wing, those who cant swim, I want you out on...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

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Sometimes too, English can get confused as shit..

Telling someone "you're shit" and "you ain't shit" are both insults. But "you are not shit" is a reassurance.

"You are not the shit" is also an insult, but "You are the shit" is a compliment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you.. "a shitty English Language"

Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be...

Why are cavemen afraid of skeletons?

Sticks and stones can't break their bones...

Thanks ladies and gentlemen...my 8 year old will be here all week...

Stranded on an island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.



Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,



“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we ...

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(Long) Crashing Plane

The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to crash."

A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A VIRGIN, SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!

A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes...

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

On a transatlantic flight to Poland...

...the pilot announced on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."

Grumbles ensued but died down.

A while later the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen...

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The true story of an amazing cock-up [NSFW]

This was told to me as a true story.

There was a cardiology conference in the US, and the keynote speaker was a distinguished Scottish surgeon, Dr. Cockburn.

When it was nearly time for his keynote speech, the M.C. was introduced to him.

"Frank, I wanted to introduce you to our ...

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

What does someone who ate 4 mangoes say?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is mango number 5!

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

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Sheesh calm down.

- Ladies and Gentlemen, This is you captain speaking. Thank you for choosing our avia company, And thank you for being my first passengers, I just finished my training, hope everything will go smooth...

There are some worried whispers started and eventually people start shouting to get out f...

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The great circus trick

One day at the big circus in town, the great circus entertainer decides to do his greatest trick. He comes out on stage along with a big, fierce looking aligator and starts presenting:

'Ladies and gentlemen, today you will be witness to one of the greatest tricks in history. I will place my p...

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

An Irish Man is on a plane

An Irish man is on a plane and suddenly there's a loud bang.

The Pilot comes on an says "Ladies and gentlemen we have just lost one of our engines, but don't worry as we can still make it, however, there will be a slight delay of about 45 minutes.

A few moments pass and again, there is...

Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

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My shop class teacher told me this one.

A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.

As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: ...

Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines. No need to panic; we still have three more. Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour. We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."

...

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for ...

My wife dragged me to a classical concert.

Me: I hope this concert has a lot of ado.

Her: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: F*ck.

A college professor is giving his students a test

At the start of the exam, the Professor says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”

Two hours later, the Professor calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the Professor has...

I love having a GPS...

Because now I have two women telling me how to drive.

-my dad ladies and gentlemen

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

What happened when the sausage came in first?

An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"

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Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

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The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

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[NSFW] 3 presidents are speaking at a convention for deaf and dumb

The Chinese president steps up to the podium, decides to be creative and starts his speech with placing his 2 fingers on his forehead and the continuing in sign language. The Russian president asks him when he comes down, what the fuck was that in the beginning, you wiggling your fingers on your for...

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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your ...

A man goes to a carnival advertising the three greatest samurai on earth...

He joins the expectant crowd eager to get their money's worth.

"The third greatest samurai" comes the announcement. The samurai steps up. A box is opened and a fly buzzes out. He draws his sword, there's a flash of light, and the fly falls in two equal halves. The crowd cheers.

"The s...

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In the plane....

The captain spoke on the speaker


"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to RedditAir.We will be flying to..OH SHIT"



The announcement was cut off,followed by passengers wondering what has happened and started to panic.


A few minutes later, another announcement came.
...

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

Fact

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on...

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Little Johnny And His Train Set

Little Johnny was playing with his train set on the living room floor. "ALL ABOARD Dumbshits!" he shouted. "Get your asses on the train, sit the f*** down, and keep your GD hands to your self you groping perverts!"


"JOHNNY!" exclaimed his mother. "We DO NOT talk like that in the house, or...

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A boy is playing with a toy train in the living room

He says "ALRIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! Get on the train dont waste my fucking time! lets GO GO GO!"

The mother hears this and, aghast, says "Johnny! Where did you learn to talk like that! This is totally unacceptable!"

For a time-out she had him sit in the bathroom for 2 hours without his t...

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An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.

When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the...

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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This ...

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A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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Little Johnny the Train Conductor

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner. Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't bel...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell and there he meets Satan. Satan says "we have three rooms in which people will have to spend eternity, but you get to choose which one".

So the man opens the first door, and he sees people screaming in agony, being burned for all eternity. "Nope, not that one", he...

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an antisemitic walks into a bar

see's a guy with a yamaka hangs out with priest. To mess with him, the guy tells the bartender to give the priest a drink on him but not the Jew, and make sure he realizes it. The Jew sees the drink, smiles at the guy and keep talking to the priest.

The guy gets upset, tells the bartender to ...

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A four hour flight...

An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarme...

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

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Foul-mouthed Timmy

Timmy, a 6 year old, was walking home one day, when he heard his neighbors screaming, "Put your penis in my vagina!" Timmy goes home to his mother, who is cooking dinner for a dinner party with their neighbors. Timmy asks his mother, "What does penis and vagina mean?" His mother says that a penis is...

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