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Fortune Teller Jokes

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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One day, Hitler went to a fortune teller.

He asked her, "when will I die?"

She replied "You will die on a day that is a Jewish holiday."

stunned, he asked "What? How come?"

and she said "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."

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I'm going to become a fortune teller, and I went to buy a crystal ball from a mystic...

The mystic said, "always cover it with a black cloth when you're not using it."

I asked, "oh because it may invoke spirits without my knowledge?" "Of course not" she said.

I asked "oh because the neighbors might see and brand me a heretic?" "Not that either" she said.

I asked...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

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A man goes to see a fortune teller

A man goes to see a fortune teller. The teller was renowned for their abilities, but even more so for their strange curios. The man walks into the fortune teller's shop, and immediately sees the teller, and a man curled up on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

"What's with him?"

"...

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The Fortune Teller

Guy walks into a bar and sees a machine in the corner labeled "The Fortune Teller". He asks the bartender what it does. The bartender says, "You put in a dollar and get a cup. Go piss in the cup, put it back in the machine and it'll tell you your fortune ...and it's never wrong." The guy replies "Bu...

I met a fortune teller and he gave me a calendar as a little gift.

What a lovely thought, it's just a shame there's five months missing at the end of the year.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife.

He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

Earlier today, I knocked on the door of a fortune teller...

She asked, "Who's there?"

So I left.

My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..

He was a con-tent creator.

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

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I went to the fortune teller…

She said, “yooo vill have zeee tained soul.”

Annoyed at another fake fortune, I paid her, left, then stepped on a turd.

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

I got some bad news from a fortune teller today.

"Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

I went to a fortune teller's house to know what I should do

I knocked the door and she answered: "Who's in there?".

I turned around and went back home.

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Man goes to a fortune teller

Fortune teller read his palm, look into a crystal ball, consult cards and then says:

"I'm sorry, but however I'm looking, all I get is, that you will be responsible for death of millions and millions of people."

Distraught man then thinks he can't live with that knowledge, so he decide...

So, this fortune teller came in to buy a sweatshirt, but we were out of her size...

Let me guess. She's a medium?

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

Two fortune tellers meet each other.

One of them says:

"Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?"

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

I could be a great fortune teller.

But something tells me I have no future in it.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are ...

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.

The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".

"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"

"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

What Do You Call A Fat Fortune Teller?

A Four-Chin Teller!

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Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.

"Who's there?"

He walks away, disappointed.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Psychics, clairvoyants and fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for...

Because they're all mediums

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

At the fortune teller

Hymie went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, ”I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.”

”Questions about what?” asked Hymie.

”About anything,” replied the psychic.

”But is n...

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

Fortune Teller recruitment

Come if you are accepted for the job

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

a man wants to see a fortune teller

A man wants to see a fortune teller, but then he doubts her special powers, so he turns away and goes home.

Later that evening he got a text message:

"What a shame"

A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow

So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

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