UPJOKE
fortunetellersoothsayerpalmistastrologyclairvoyanceprophecywealthmoneycashbankerwalletpredictionfairreligionsuggestion

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

A fortune teller told me that...

... in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

I saw a fortune teller today

She told me that is 12 years my best friend will die. It made me really depressed so I went and bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

I got some bad news from a fortune teller today.

"Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

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I went to the fortune teller…

She said, “yooo vill have zeee tained soul.”

Annoyed at another fake fortune, I paid her, left, then stepped on a turd.

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.

The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".

"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"

"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

Fortune teller knows it all

A fortune teller to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”


The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”


The fortune teller, “That’s what you think.”

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Man goes to a fortune teller

Fortune teller read his palm, look into a crystal ball, consult cards and then says:

"I'm sorry, but however I'm looking, all I get is, that you will be responsible for death of millions and millions of people."

Distraught man then thinks he can't live with that knowledge, so he decide...

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

I could be a great fortune teller.

But something tells me I have no future in it.

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

a man wants to see a fortune teller

A man wants to see a fortune teller, but then he doubts her special powers, so he turns away and goes home.

Later that evening he got a text message:

"What a shame"

Two fortune tellers meet each other.

One of them says:

"Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?"

A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow

So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are ...

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

have you heard of the fortune teller that went bankrubet?

She didn't see that comming

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

I went to a blind fortune teller the other day

She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

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Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right

a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."

"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."

The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

“Hey, I have a joke for you,” she says.

The boy shrugs. “Ok.”

The fortune teller smiles.

“Cancer,” she says.

“Cancer?” the boy asks. He frowns. “If that’s your joke, I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry,” the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, “You will when...

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

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The Fortune Teller, came true!

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.

"Who's there?"

He walks away, disappointed.

Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a fortune teller

But now I don't really see it in my future

Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

At the fortune teller

Hymie went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, ”I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.”

”Questions about what?” asked Hymie.

”About anything,” replied the psychic.

”But is n...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

What did the dyslexic fortune teller say to Tupac?

You’re caput!

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.

She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

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