A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow

So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke

I went to a fortune teller and she said to me "Do you believe in reincarnation?"....

I said "No and i didn't belive in it when i was a frog"...

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

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A frog goes to a fortune teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks him to tell about his future.

Teller: You will encounter a very beautiful girl in your life and you will lose your heart to her.

Frog: (Being excited) Where will I meet her ?

Teller: In a biology class.

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Adolf Hitler goes to a fortune teller to have his future read to him...

He walks up to the gypsy and she looks deep into he crystal ball. She tells him that he would die on a jewish holiday. Hitler, stunned by her prediction, seems worried and asks her what makes her so sure of her prediction. She replies “Because any day that you die on will be considered a jewish h...

What Do You Call A Fat Fortune Teller?

A Four-Chin Teller!

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.

"Who's there?"

He walks away, disappointed.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache...

So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A man goes to a fortune teller...

and asks if she can tell him whether there are golf courses in heaven. She peers into her crystal ball for a moment and then says, "I have good news and bad news. There are golf courses in heaven and they are beautiful beyond compare. The bad news is you'll be teeing off tomorrow at 8 A.M."

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."

"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."

The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

What did the dyslexic fortune teller say to Tupac?

You’re caput!

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

“Hey, I have a joke for you,” she says.

The boy shrugs. “Ok.”

The fortune teller smiles.

“Cancer,” she says.

“Cancer?” the boy asks. He frowns. “If that’s your joke, I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry,” the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, “You will when...

At the fortune teller

Hymie went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, ”I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.”

”Questions about what?” asked Hymie.

”About anything,” replied the psychic.

”But is n...

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Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right

a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

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Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

I went to a blind fortune teller the other day

She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.

A man takes his son to see the fortune teller at the carnival

After looking at the crystal ball for a bit, the old gypsy woman is noticeably crestfallen.
"You poor bad-luck child. Tomorrow your pet will die, the week after that your best friend dies, and finally in a fort night your father will die."

The father and son are both shocked and the fath...

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

Fortune Teller recruitment

Come if you are accepted for the job

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.

She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients?

A hooker with a gimmick

I asked a fortune teller to read my future.

Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room.
So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bítch down and beat her to death.
I wonder what the fück she saw in that thing.

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