A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

they all sit down at the and order a beer. Just before their first sips, a fly lands in each of their respective beers.

The Frenchman pushes his beer back with his nose in the air and exclaims, "barkeep! This beer is spoiled, bring me a fresh one".

The Englishman plucks the fly...

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Orange Dick Bad

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"

Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a l...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

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England, Scotland and Ireland all walk into a bar and order a Pint.

After a minute or so the barkeep brings them their drinks. They all look down and find a fly in their drinks.

England turns its nose up at the drink and pushes it away, Scotland shrugs its shoulders and flicks the fly out, But Ireland grabs the fly by the wings and while shaking it shouts "S...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

What do whales do on a second date?

Net flicks and krill.

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

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A mother and daughter are driving to the grocery store. ..

A mother and her young daughter are driving to the grocery store one day. Ahead of them is a convertible car full of women at a bachelorette party. All of a sudden a dido flies out of the convertible and lands on the windshield right in front of the daughter. Without batting an eye the mother calmly...

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A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is rea...

Jesus finally enters heaven...

He walks up to God, flicks his wrists forward flamboyantly and simply says: "Look dad, got my nails done"

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:

"How can I help you?"

Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"

Teen without looking:

"That'll be $0.75 cents please.

The old man annoyed at the teen digs into...

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

Three co-workers stopped for a drink after work on Christmas Eve

One drink led to another, and they progressed to some serious partying. Later in the evening, they were on their way to another spot when their drunken driver crashed the car, killing them instantly.

The three find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. He tells ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.

The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.

"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust. "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly...

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picn...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They each order a Guinness. As soon as their beers are served three flies come along and one drops in each beer.

The Englishman looks at his, goes "blech!", and pushes the beer away.

The Scot looks at his, shrugs, fishes out the fly, and drinks his Guinness.

The Irishman fishes...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the win...

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

---

Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"...

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.

A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.

A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking....

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice...

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The trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno h...

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A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar

A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer and he says "Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more!" and he pushes it away.

A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American's beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says "It's just a fly, no big deal." and continues drinking it.<...

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....

A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He ...

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar...

They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass.

The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?"

The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off t...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.

A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman ge...

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