English Major Jokes - 13 Hilarious English Major Jokes

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

For the English majors

A guy’s arm is hurting so he goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, “Doc, my arm is hurting real bad.” So the doctor says, ”Roll up your sleeve and let me take a look at it. ” The man does and his arm says, ”Doc, can you loan me twenty bucks”? The doctor tells the man to roll his sleeve down and s...

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For the English majors

I'd rather cuddle, then have sex.

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What do you call rude English Majors?

Moby Dicks

What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...

does is lay on the ground, or lie?

If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?

English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—

English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

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Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

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A rural country man is visiting a prestigious college in the big city for the first time.

He's a little lost, so he flags down a passing student and asks, "'Scuse me, could y'all tell me where the library's at?"

The student draws himself up in a huff, and answers haughtily, "I'll have you know that I am an English major with a 4.0 GPA, and I absolutely refuse to answer a question ...

Working at the sperm bank,

Working at the sperm bank, the receptionist was shocked to see a man enter with a mask on and gun. The man stormed up to the counter, pointed the gun at her and said "This is a hold up!"

Confused the lady said, "Sir this is a sperm bank not a..." but the masked man demanded that she shut up, ...

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