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Football Team Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What does the Welsh football team captain do to his opponents?

Wrexham

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

A college freshman is trying out for the college football team.

"Can you run fast?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman runs along the length of the field in just over twelve seconds.

"Can you tackle?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman tackles a large dead tree and reduces it to a pile of sawdust.

"Can you pass the football?" asks the...

Why are Spain such a good football team?

Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition!

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Why aren't there many female football teams?

Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team??

New York Jets

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

The English national football team

Really is coming home now...

Why do football teams keep using wide receivers?

If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

Why did the football team go to the bank?

To get their quarterback

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

What is Thanos Favorite Football team?

The Cleveland browns.

So far the have:

1 Regulatory Win

1 Overtime Win

1 Tie

1 Overtime Loss

1 Regulatory Loss


Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

Hahaha the football team

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the ...

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football team went on a trip by a plane

They started playing football in the cabin and the pilots were not happy, so the captain said to the flight attendant : "Go deal with this shit! " Later the plane was quiet and he asked his flight attendant : "What did you do? " The flight attendant answered : "Simply I told them to go play outside ...

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

How did the squid manage to join a football team?

It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be suppo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

My football team went on a massive losing streak.

I saw them running naked around my town.

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month.

Go Bills!

What does the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader have in common?

They both suck for four quarters.

Why is the LSU football team like my car?

They both used to have Les (less) Miles!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a captain of a football team..

for whom English wasn't the primary language, so he was still learning to speak it from his teammates now and then.

There came a huge club championship, at the final of which the captain found his team winning towards the end of the match. So he asks a teammate to provide him with good lines ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

Have you heard about the Flint, Michigan football team?

Their lead is unstoppable!

What does the N on the Nebraska football team’s helmet stand for?

Nowledge.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

Why did the football team take the short bus to the game?

They needed more downs.

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

Why isn’t homeschooling more popular in Texas?

It costs a lot of money to field your own football team.

Why are the bears such a bad football team?

Because when they were little, they were cubs.


I'm so sorry

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team?

He didn't make the cut.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I'm impressed. Can you run?” “ Of course I can run,” said th...

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't g...

What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

Three men are sitting around

Three men are sitting around drinking and they begin to brag to each other. The first man says “I have 4 sons at home. If I have one more I’d have a basketball team.” The second man laughs and says “That’s nothing! I have 10 sons at home. One more and I’d have a football team.” The third man speaks ...

A college student on spring break is having a conversation with his Dad.

"So how are your classes?"
asks the father.

"Good."

"How's the football team doing?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

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