Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

When I die, I want to be scattered over Disneyland.

But not cremated.

Two blondes are driving to Disneyland...

Well, one's driving....

After what seems like ages they finally are in Anaheim, then they come to a sign that says

"Disneyland Left".

So they went back home.

How does Darth Vader greet visitors to Disneyland?

Welcome to the Park side.

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

An unemployed man saw an ad in the newspaper asking for a Disneyland cop. He immediately goes to apply for the job.

"If you want to work at Disneyland," says the job agent, "you must show your knowledge of Disney by answering these questions. Question number one: what kind of animal is Mickey?"

"A dog?" guesses the guy.

"I'm sorry," says the agent, "but the correct answer is, a mouse. Question numbe...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

A little boy comes running Into the room!

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?"
​The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

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Why is Viagra like Disneyland?

You wait an hour for a two-minute ride

You guys know why Disneyland closed?

It was because of Sneezy.

Donald Trump decides to visit Disneyland

He hears someone say "Donald, Duck!"

Needless to say the Secret Service had a heart attack

Chernobyl is like Disneyland

Except the 5 foot tall mouse is real there

Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person.

maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

Did you hear about the kidnapping at Disneyland?

She woke up

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Kids who are visiting Disneyland for the first time get a button that says “It’s my first time at Disneyland!”

Do Make-a-Wish kids get a button that says “It’s my last time at Disneyland!”?

What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand?

In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride.

2 kids are on their way to Disneyland...

They’re almost there, then see a sign that says “Disneyland Left”

So they go home and cry into their pillows

A blond is driving to DisneyLand...

She sees a sign saying "DisneyLand left" so she turns around and drives home.

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Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

If you ever want a fun vacation, you should consider going to Disneyland Syria

I hear their rides are the bomb

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

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My Disneyland Bus Driver told us this one

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce. When Mickey's lawyer was called up, he said "your Honor, Mickey is getting a divorce because he said Minnie is crazy." Mickey interrupts and says "Im not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

The ugly club was going to Disneyland!

When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.

Each person asks for the same thing, “I want to be the most beautifu...

Sorry to hear that they banned your mom from disneyland...

.. but at least she collected a lot of money from kids trying to put quarters in her ears to ride her.

Why didn't death row records go to Disneyland for their holiday outing?

Because it was too pac'd.

What do Venezuela and Disneyland have in common?

They have long food lines

Two blonde girls are heading to Disneyland...

While driving they see a sign "Disney Left". They cry and head home.

(Little bro told me this one. Not sure if it has been told before.)

A man saves up enough money to take his kids to Disneyland...

...when he goes to tell them about it, his son says "Thank you so much, daddy! When are we going?"

"Well, whenever we save up enough to come back."

A little girl asks her granddad

"Would you make a frog noise for me"

Why, asks the granddad confused.

The little girl replies "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland"

My kid was dying to go on our trip to Disneyland

sponsored by Make-A-Wish.

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Sex with my ex was like Disneyland.

I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride.

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

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An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.


Wits wrong wae Mickey Mouses helicopter?


A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

A man and a monkey

A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn't know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:

-What should I do with this monkey?

-Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.

-That's a good idea, I'll do that tomorrow.

The ne...

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you g...

A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.

A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.

A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask hi...

A busload of people die

and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, ...

Did you hear about the broken helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?


Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

What do the Patriots and Measles have in common?

They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.

Two blondes decided

To drive to Disneyland. Those both jumped into the car and started driving. After 13 hours of straight nonstop driving, they see a sign which reads, ***”Disneyland - Left”***.

So they turn around and go back home.

One day bush went jogging...

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the...

One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over ...

A little boy walks up to his grandpa asks if he can make a frog noise

The grandpa looks puzzled at the question and thinks for a bit and says "sure I can!" The grandpa proceeds to let out a loud "CROOOOOAK" the little boys face lights up, immediately and he yells out to his dad "GRANPA JUST CROAKED DAD, THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND RIGHT!!!!"

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