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Comcast Jokes

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

Why are prisons banned from using Comcast Xfinity?

Because then their cells would have no bars.

Marriage is like Comcast.

Frustrating as hell and once a month you get screwed.

Comcast

supports net neutrality

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is applying for a position at Comcast

interviewer: So what makes you think you're qualified for this position?
man: Well, to be honest, I think it's in my genes.
interviewer: You mean you have family members who have worked for Comcast?
man: No, I mean my grandfather was a Nazi.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

Comcast's Customer Service

ba dum tsss

What's the worst part about having Comcast internet?

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Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of the new sex position called the "Comcast"?

You stay in for the entire day but nobody comes.

I was walking down the street when I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was

I said “it’s between 8am and 1pm”

Prostitution is a more honest business than Comcast...

...Although they both get paid to screw people.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis

It's not like they're the fascist out there.

What goes up, and never comes down?

Your Comcast Bill.

“I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, “I need to be punished.”

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate and I were watching TV last night..

And because we have shitty Comcast, I had to print out a list of the channels that we DO get. Because they're not in order and you don't know that you get a channel until you decide you want to watch the show on it.

Anyway, I said to her sarcastically, "Oh look we get the CatholicTV channel!...

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