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Comcast doesn’t need to have a Pride Month ad campaign.

They suck dick all 12 months of the year.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

I was walking down the street when I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was

I said “it’s between 8am and 1pm”

Why are prisons banned from using Comcast Xfinity?

Because then their cells would have no bars.

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The CEO of Comcast dies and goes to hell...

Upon his arrival, Satan inspects the CEO's rap sheet, casts his eyes to Heaven, and shouts, "Thank you Jesus! You fucking *finally* brought my replacement down here!"

Comcast

supports net neutrality

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A man is applying for a position at Comcast

interviewer: So what makes you think you're qualified for this position?
man: Well, to be honest, I think it's in my genes.
interviewer: You mean you have family members who have worked for Comcast?
man: No, I mean my grandfather was a Nazi.

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

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Have you heard of the new sex position called the "Comcast"?

You stay in for the entire day but nobody comes.

What's the worst part about having Comcast internet?

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Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

Prostitution is a more honest business than Comcast...

...Although they both get paid to screw people.

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Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis

It's not like they're the fascist out there.

Marriage is like Comcast.

Frustrating as hell and once a month you get screwed.

Comcast's Customer Service

ba dum tsss

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

“I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, “I need to be punished.”

So I signed her up for a Comcast account.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associa...

What goes up, and never comes down?

Your Comcast Bill.

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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

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Ex-girlfriend on Facebook (NSFW)

I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend 'likes' Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.

It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!

I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!

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Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

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My roommate and I were watching TV last night..

And because we have shitty Comcast, I had to print out a list of the channels that we DO get. Because they're not in order and you don't know that you get a channel until you decide you want to watch the show on it.

Anyway, I said to her sarcastically, "Oh look we get the CatholicTV channel!...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

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Late last night I was trying to summon a demon.

After many hours in my basement drawing pentagrams, chanting voodoo and performing spiritual dance I had failed to conjure any demons from the dark depths of Hades.

Defeat was in my mind and I had no choice but to admit the ways of old no longer held any sway with the dark lord. I reluctantly...

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