This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Pinocchio die?

He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His right hand caught fire

Why does Pinocchio hate flaky girls?

They always string him along

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

Why is Pinocchio afraid of Woodchucks?

Because he has a woodpecker

Why couldn't Pinocchio's nose ever grow to be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

What did Raggedy Ann say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

Tell a lie...... tell the truth........ tell a lie ....... tell the truth

Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits his doctor for an exam.

"Well, Mr.Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and another made of steel."

"But that's impossible." Says Mr.Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have perfectly healthy children."

"How old are your children?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It would be so nice if Pinocchio was a girl with boobs.

Wooden tit?

The ending of Pinocchio’s story

He rubbed one out and caught himself on fire.

What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common?

They both own a woodpecker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"

Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.

"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with so...

Why did pinocchio buy a new monitor

Because he click on "Agree" without reading the "Terms and conditions"

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common?

Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

Why did Pinocchio’s girlfriend break up with him?

He said “I love you”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

Pinocchio was my favorite lover

Every time he lied to me it made me feel so much better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pin...

What did Pinocchio's girlfriend tell him on Valentine's Day?

Get down there and lie to me!

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

What do you call an old man with a Pinocchio fetish?

A Geppettophile

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the customers "I'm a wheel boy."

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

What do you call a fat pinocchio?

A narwhal

Why is Pinocchio the most requested at the Disney brothel?

Because he lets girls sit on his face while he tells them lies.

Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common?

They were both inside a whale.

Hear about the girl who sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Are you gonna lie to me!?"

Pinocchio said, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no...!"

How does Pinocchio's father know when his son tells a lie?

He just nose it.

Pinocchio is being interrogated by police

Police Officer: Were you going 60 miles on a 40 mile road?

Pinocchio: Noooooooo

Police Officer: But didn't an officer flag you down?

Pinocchio: Noooooooooooooo

Police Officer: Your car is the red Toyota right?

Pinocchio: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Police Offi...

miracle

One day in heaven, Saint Peter decided that it was time for a vacation, so he asked Jesus to watch the gates for him for a bit. The first day on the job Jesus saw an old man approaching. The man had white hair and a beard, and he looked somehow familiar. He spoke to the man and asked, "Have you been...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."

The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Pinocchio's favourite kind of sex?

No strings attached.

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

Why couldn't Pinocchio get a date on craigslist

because everyone wanted "no strings attatched"

Pinocchio is having issues in bed.

He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.

A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.

Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”

After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
...

Pinocchio's problem

Pinocchio complains to his father saying 'Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.' His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his member down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, 'How are the girls?' Pino...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Pinocchio lie?

because he's a fucking liar

Pinocchio's love life.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the c...

Pinocchio boarded a bus in Rome.

The bus was full of priests, except for one seat. Pinocchio took the seat and said" Thank god I'm not a real boy!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

Pinocchio had 2 pets.

He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.

Jezus at the pearly gate

At the pearly gate, Jezus is taking over st. Peter's shift for he has to take a toilet break. During Jezus his shift, an old man approaches the gate. Jezus calls te old man to him to ask him some questions.

He looks at the old man and asks: "So, what did you do to make a living?"

"I wa...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women?

Pinocchio

Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White?

'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.

*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snow white was kicked out of fairy land

Apparently she was caught sitting on pinocchios face screaming "lie to me you little shit!"

“You are what you eat” said the fairy, unwisely

Pinocchio gave an eery look at the elementary school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio.

What would happen to Pinocchio if he said "my nose is going to grow" he would be telling a lie so his nose would then grow,but because it is growing it would make Pinocchio's statement true which would mean that his nose won't grow or might stop growing, but then again because it will stop growing i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Pinocchio tell lies?

Because he was a fucking liar!

-from Louis CK's AMA-

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man say...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 6 year old runs up to her mother...

DAUGHTER: Mummy, why don't boys have vaginas?
MOTHER: They have a penis instead.
DAUGHTER: Does Daddy have a penis?
MOTHER: Yeah.
DAUGHTER: What does a penis look like?
The mother thinks for a moment.
MOTHER: It looks a bit like P...

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

A...

Saint Peter takes a lunch break

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help sa...

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the pearly gates, St. Peter needs to take a piss

He asks Jesus to watch over the gate for him.

"It's really easy," he says. "All you have to do is ask anyone who comes a little bit about his life, then decide if he's good enough to come in."

St. Peter leaves and after a few minutes an old man approaches Jesus at the gates. Jesus gre...

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day, checking in on everybody to make sure they're enjoying the place.

He checks in with Mother Teresa and sure enough, there she is in the middle of a party having a grand time with all her friends. So Jesus moves on.

He checks in on Martin Luther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got a lying fetish.

I call my penis "Pinocchio".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two different testicles

Doctor: You got two different testicles. One is made of wood and the other one is metal.

Man: * **surprised** *

Doctor: Do you have children?

Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.

Jesus relieves St. Peter at he pearly gates for a coffee break.

Soon an old man approaches to be admitted. Jesus thinks to himself..."Oh man, I know this guy from somewhere." Embarrassed, he says, "Yes, I know you. On Earth you lived...let's see..." The old man says, "I lived in a Mediterranean country." Jesus says, "Right, I remember. And you worked as...uh..."...

So Jesus is walking by the pearly gates...

...when St. Peter calls him over and asks if he can take over for a bit so that he can use the bathroom. Jesus agrees, what harm could there be in it.

So after a while, an old man who looks slightly familiar to Jesus walks up to be judged.

"What's your name sir?" Jesus asked.

Th...

Jesus finds his father

Works best in Italian

Jesus walks along the street when he sees a sad old man sitting on a bench. He stops and asks him what his name is and why he is sad.

The old man says his name is Giuseppe (Italian for Joseph) and he has lost his son.

"How do you recognize your son?"
...

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates

...Doing his daily duties, welcoming those who've recently passed on from a life on Earth into Heaven, when he realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and he asks if he could take his post, and guard the Gates for five minutes.

"Certainly!," says Jesus. "Just tell me w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...

Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpap...

Jesus crosses the desert...

at a certain point he meets an old man. Jesus says "old man, what are you doing in the middle of the desert, all on your own?"
The old man answers "well, I have lost my son and I'm looking for him".
To this Jesus replies "I would like to help you, does your son have any special signs?"
The ...

Pearly Gates Duty

It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.