UPJOKE
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How did Pinocchio die?

He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.

Why couldn't Pinocchio's nose ever grow to be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

Why did Pinocchio and Cinderella get fired from Disney?

Cinderella was caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face yelling “lie to me!”

What is Pinocchio’s father’s favorite wood shaping tool?

A Geppetto file.

If I made a joke about Pinocchios chest, that would be inappropriate...

wooden tit?

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

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Pinocchio and Geppetto are sitting talking one day

Geppetto asks "what's the matter Pinocchio? You seem really depressed"

Pinocchio then replies " aw it's just me and my girlfriend are having problems with our sex life. Every time we try to have sex, she's always complaining about getting splinters and I really don't know what to do about it....

What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?

A Gepettophile.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire

Did you know that the other wooden marionettes teased Pinocchio for being so heavy?

I guess he wasn't one of of the poplar kids.

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

Did you hear about Pinocchio's naughty girlfriend?

She sat and his face and sang "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

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Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio were walking together one day.

That morning, they walked by beauty pageant. Snow White said, "I'll enter it" while the other 2 waited outside. Some time later, she emerged smiling with a crown on her head and cash.

They continued onward until noon when they happened to see a contest for the strongest man. Superman said, "...

Why is Pinocchio afraid of Woodchucks?

Because he has a woodpecker

Why does Pinocchio hate flaky girls?

They always string him along

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

What did Raggedy Ann say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

Tell a lie...... tell the truth........ tell a lie ....... tell the truth

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Pinocchio's nose has started working in reverse

Huge, if true

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

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NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"

Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.

"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with so...

Pinocchio is being interrogated by police

Police Officer: Were you going 60 miles on a 40 mile road?

Pinocchio: Noooooooo

Police Officer: But didn't an officer flag you down?

Pinocchio: Noooooooooooooo

Police Officer: Your car is the red Toyota right?

Pinocchio: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Police Offi...

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

The ending of Pinocchio’s story

He rubbed one out and caught himself on fire.

What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common?

Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common?

They both own a woodpecker

Why did pinocchio buy a new monitor

Because he click on "Agree" without reading the "Terms and conditions"

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Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

Pinocchio was my favorite lover

Every time he lied to me it made me feel so much better

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pin...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

What do you call an old man with a Pinocchio fetish?

A Geppettophile

Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the customers "I'm a wheel boy."

Why did Pinocchio’s girlfriend break up with him?

He said “I love you”

What did Pinocchio's girlfriend tell him on Valentine's Day?

Get down there and lie to me!

Why is Pinocchio the most requested at the Disney brothel?

Because he lets girls sit on his face while he tells them lies.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."

The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This ...

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

Why couldn't Pinocchio get a date on craigslist

because everyone wanted "no strings attatched"

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common?

They were both inside a whale.

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What is Pinocchio's favourite kind of sex?

No strings attached.

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

Pinocchio is having issues in bed.

He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.

A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

Pinocchio boarded a bus in Rome.

The bus was full of priests, except for one seat. Pinocchio took the seat and said" Thank god I'm not a real boy!!"

How does Pinocchio's father know when his son tells a lie?

He just nose it.

Pinocchio had 2 pets.

He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.

Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”

After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
...

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Why does Pinocchio lie?

because he's a fucking liar

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

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A man visits his doctor for an exam.

"Well, Mr.Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and another made of steel."

"But that's impossible." Says Mr.Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have perfectly healthy children."

"How old are your children?"
...

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Pinocchio.

What would happen to Pinocchio if he said "my nose is going to grow" he would be telling a lie so his nose would then grow,but because it is growing it would make Pinocchio's statement true which would mean that his nose won't grow or might stop growing, but then again because it will stop growing i...

Pinocchio's problem

Pinocchio complains to his father saying 'Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.' His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his member down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, 'How are the girls?' Pino...

Pinocchio's love life.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the c...

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

If cartoon characters become real, who would attract most women?

Pinocchio

Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White?

'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.

*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

miracle

One day in heaven, Saint Peter decided that it was time for a vacation, so he asked Jesus to watch the gates for him for a bit. The first day on the job Jesus saw an old man approaching. The man had white hair and a beard, and he looked somehow familiar. He spoke to the man and asked, "Have you been...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

Jezus at the pearly gate

At the pearly gate, Jezus is taking over st. Peter's shift for he has to take a toilet break. During Jezus his shift, an old man approaches the gate. Jezus calls te old man to him to ask him some questions.

He looks at the old man and asks: "So, what did you do to make a living?"

"I wa...

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man say...

Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

If competitive lumberjacking is a sport...

...then Pinocchio would be a hall-of-famer.

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Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land?

They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's Face yelling "Lie you little fucker

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Why did Pinocchio tell lies?

Because he was a fucking liar!

-from Louis CK's AMA-

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

A...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

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At the pearly gates, St. Peter needs to take a piss

He asks Jesus to watch over the gate for him.

"It's really easy," he says. "All you have to do is ask anyone who comes a little bit about his life, then decide if he's good enough to come in."

St. Peter leaves and after a few minutes an old man approaches Jesus at the gates. Jesus gre...

Saint Peter takes a lunch break

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help sa...

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day, checking in on everybody to make sure they're enjoying the place.

He checks in with Mother Teresa and sure enough, there she is in the middle of a party having a grand time with all her friends. So Jesus moves on.

He checks in on Martin Luther...

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

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