Different Types Of Jokes - 31 Hilarious Different Types Of Jokes

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The different types of people

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

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Names for different types of Golf shots.

There have been a number of humorous names for different types of golf shots, and I was wondering if anyone had heard of any more. Some examples:

Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

Princess Grace - Should have used a driver, but didn't.

Princess Diana - Use...

There are 10 different types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

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Theyre are two different types of people

Those who can spell and those who cunt

Where can you find the definitions of different types of drugs?

Addictionary

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."

An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

Lately I have been really busy and it's interfering with my hobby of collecting all of the different types of spices...

...I just don't have the thyme.

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There are two different types of people...

A rich man and a poor man are talking at a Christmas party. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas. He said he got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring. "Why did you get her both? " asked the poor man. "So if she doesn't like one she still has the other", he replied. "What di...

When I went out for a curry last week I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.

So I asked for a clean one.

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

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In college, we had a presentation where people dressed up as the different types of quark.

It was pretty boring, but it got a lot more interesting after I fucked up.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I've come up with a new menu item for our local gastropub...

It's a wooden plank, with boiled eggs, Brussel sprouts, cabbage, pungent cheeses and different types of bean salads.
They can call it a "Shart-Tooterie board".

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Shai is excited for his trip to Mexico because he is an avid SCUBA diver.

When he goes, he finds a company that can take him to the reefs and links up with a dive leader. While on the boat preparing their tanks, the leader begins talking him about the different types of animals that they will see. Since the both of them will not be able to communicate verbally, the dive l...

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

Nautilus

Two succesful marine biologists come back from their recent expedition, near the seas of Indonesia.

Biologist 1: You won't believe our results. We documented so many different types of fish, including a lot of nautiluses.

Biologist 2: It's not a lie.

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Drunk guy sat at a bar

Drunk guy sat at a bar, is on his 15+ beer of the evening when he notices 3 newcomers enter the pub and sit at the bar next to him.

"Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" he asks the nearest one.

The newcomer turns to face him and for the first time he see it's a lady with blonde hair.<...

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A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

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A man wants to buy his wife a gift.

He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.

When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather...

a chicken walks into a bar

A chicken walks into a bar and sits down. As the bartender approaches the chicken, he can see that the chicken's eyes are bloodshot and that the chicken seems to have a nervous shake. The bartender asks the chicken if he's alright, and the chicken says he's fine. So the bartender asks the chicken wh...

White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elep...

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Roger the Living Head [Story Joke]

So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besi...

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