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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

Those damned Flat Earthers…

When will they finally realize that FLATTERY will get them nowhere?

Lady MacBeth grew weary of holding the door open.

"Out!" she lamented, "Out, damned Spot!"

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

A lawyer is working late in his office, when suddenly Satan appears

The devil says, "I have a deal for you. I can make you a full partner in your firm and guarantee you will make tons of money for the rest of your life."

The devil continues, "But in return, you have to sign away your soul, plus your wife's soul, your children's, and your parents. You all wi...

That's it! I'm buying Omicron.

I'll be damned if I let another crypto opportunity slip away.

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A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

That damned Greek Mythology class is ruining my G.P.A.

I guess you could say it's my Achilles' aorta.

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

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Two recently married friends meet up

How's your married life says the first one? It's great- says the second one- my wife is a fantastic cook, can make all the foods you can imagine. however, she is horrible in bed. She just doesn't know how to make love... How is yours going? he asks.
the first one replies. man, the sex is the best...

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Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

And I will continue to post this, coronavirus be damned!

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

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True love

A young man has just gotten married to his beautiful wife. Since he cannot wipe off his shit-eating grin, his friends ask him what’s going on?
“I just got the best blowjob of my damned life” he replies.

Meanwhile, the new bride cannot seem to wipe her shit-eating grin from off her face, ...

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece...

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

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