Why do cars take a while to warm up in the morning?

Cuz they're tired

You guys always say that 6 was scared of 7 cuz 7 8 9

but 10 died in the middle of 9 11

Why did the non-binary prospector move west in 1859?

Cuz there was gold up in them/their hills

Why does 10+10 = 11+11

Cuz 10+10 is twenty
And 11+11 is twenty too

Black life matter cuz..

they occupy space and have weight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN INTROVERT PARTY, CUZ AN INTROVERT PARTY

Don’t start.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl are you corona? Cuz you took my breath away

Her: boy are you Corona? Cuz I want to stay the fuck away from you.

Why were the Soviets always on time

Cuz they’re rushin’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Mom and my Girlfriend have the same name and it sucks cuz everytime we have sex

I think about my girlfriend.

Girl you are the one...

on the pH scale cuz you are toxic af.

Why don't chicken wear underwear?

Cuz their peckers on their face

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

It’s a furry, cuz ducks shouldn’t be talking

I wish I was single for just one day of my life

Cuz being single my whole life is exhausting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

Why are herbivores atheist?

Cuz they don’t prey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I ended up getting real drunk and having sex with my fourth cousin. I was so ashamed.

Cuz I remember after the first three I said I was done.

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

Trains never get angry...

..cuz they're always blowing off steam!

They call me fireman

Cuz I turn on the hoes

Why’d the iPad go to the dentist

Cuz it had a blue tooth.

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the max speed of sex?

68, cuz when you hit 69 you have to turn around.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Constipation

Have u heard of the movie constipation

U probably haven't

Cuz it hasn't come out yet

Why are racists so good at solving rubik's cubes?

Cuz they looooove seperating colors.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

Took my guitar to an open mic night at a bar. Yea, it sucked cuz they made me play one less chord.

Guess one of 'em was a minor.

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

Hey baby, are you a body bag?

Cuz you're dead inside.

Why did the sperm cross the road this morning ?

Cuz I forgot to wear a condom 8 years ago

Why can't diabetics get revenge?

Cuz revenge is sweet.

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

Damn girl are you messenger ribonucleic acid?

Cuz you unzip my genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the 90 year old Alabama man have sex with his clock?

Cuz time is relative.

Now after a vigorous sex session with the clock, he decided that the last thing to do is to wash and clean his clock. Why is this so?



















Cuz his time has cum.

What is the laziest number

12 cuz it dozen do anything

Hey girl, are you a math medusa?

Cuz looking at you makes me feel number.

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school?

Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and ...

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.

I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.

He said “Are you done? Cu...

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military

Cuz they USAF

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

The Laziest Man

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buri...

Hey girl, are you a toaster?

Cuz I wanna turn you on and put you in my bath.

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

Did you hear the one about the Ham Radio Operator's kids?

They di-dit and di-dit 'cuz their dah-dah di-dit!

Why do girls like Jesus?

Cuz he was hung like this (pose with my arms out)

Why does KFC have no toilets?

Cuz it’s finger licking good.

There's a special feeling when you open the door and your wife is standing there in nothing but her see through negligee.

It's a better feeling, tho, when you are coming home than when you are opening the door cuz she's home but forgot her keys.

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

John is drinking a cup of coffee.

Man: Why are you drinking so much coffee John?

John: do you know why my grandfather lived to his late nineties.

Man: mm, cuz he used to drink lots of coffee.

John: no, cuz he used to mind his own damn business.

Why did the Coronavirus cross the road?

Cuz it likes to walk old people to the other side.

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his dad are going for a walk in the park where they see two dogs humping.

Johnny asks “Dad what are those dogs doing?”

The dad gets flustered and says “They are making a puppy”

Later that night Johnny hears strange noises coming from his parents room. When he ...

In Alabama there is no such thing as reverse cowgirl

That's cuz we never turn our back on family

Why aren't there any Independence Day knock knock jokes?

Why aren't there any Independence Day knock knock jokes?

Cuz freedom \*rings\*

what do u call a group of colonels ?

a cob .


(cuz its pronounced kernel in american )

no ? ok ..

Why did the duck get arrested?

Cuz he got caught selling quack.

Why did the Mexican Archer not fire his Bow?

Cuz, he didn't habanero.

Why is the math book always sad?

Cuz its filled with problems.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.