UPJOKE
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Cuz Jokes

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

I can’t take my dog to the pond any more cuz the ducks kept attacking him.

That’s what I get for getting a pure-bread dog

The flight to the service dog convention was delayed cuz they were all assigned the same seat.

All their tickets said K9

Black life matter cuz..

they occupy space and have weight

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

my wife left me cuz I spend all day playing RPGs..

now i'm not the mana used to be

A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.

Preacher says, God is in your heart

Wanna bully someone? Bully the wheelchair kids cuz they can’t stand up for themself!

This is a joke, don’t cancel me

It dawned on me why teenagers are always in groups of 3 or 5

Because they can’t even

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl are you corona? Cuz you took my breath away

Her: boy are you Corona? Cuz I want to stay the fuck away from you.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN INTROVERT PARTY, CUZ AN INTROVERT PARTY

Don’t start.

You guys always say that 6 was scared of 7 cuz 7 8 9

but 10 died in the middle of 9 11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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If time travellers exist they must be Nazis cuz they didn't go back and stop Hitler.

A man gets a worried look on his face. What are you, a time traveller? No I'm a preacher.

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula


The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

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My Mom and my Girlfriend have the same name and it sucks cuz everytime we have sex

I think about my girlfriend.

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So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this ca...

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What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast?

Well, I had toast.

EDIT:

me and /u/Nekovivie weren't expecting you to know. cuz^you^have^a^small^dick

Why did the mermaid blush?

'Cuz she saw the ocean's bottom.

Why can’t married women aim?

Cuz she mrs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Racist taxi driver is struggling In China

...cuz every time someone tries to hail him down, he's like "fuck off dude.. I just dropped you off!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

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Shitty one-liner: Giiirl, you can call me Saturday-Sunday, cuz I'm all you're gonna be doin' this weekend.

Is this a thing? It feels like it has to have been a thing and I just forgot where.

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(nsfw) A very elderly couple were dating and decided to wed. On their wedding night, as they were about to consummate the relationship, the women said to her husband, "I have to warn you. I have acute angina."

"Am I relieved to hear that!" her husband replied. "Cuz those are about the ugliest tits I have ever seen."

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

Hey girl is your name Karl Marx?

Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes

Took my guitar to an open mic night at a bar. Yea, it sucked cuz they made me play one less chord.

Guess one of 'em was a minor.

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

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Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

Cuz I've tried fucking everything.

My friends mum died

My friends mum died cuz we couldn't remember her blood group. On her death bed she kept saying "Be positive", Life is hard without her

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

Girl, you're a 10?

On the pH scale, maybe, cuz you basic.

girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

[A chemistry pickupline]

Hey girl, do you have a vacant d-orbital?

Cuz I want to back-bond with you.

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

Why did the Mexican Archer not fire his Bow?

Cuz, he didn't habanero.

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl, are you a newspaper?

Cuz there's a new issue with you every fucking day!

Why can't dinosaurs play chess?

Cuz they're all dead.

Why I believe the earth is flat

Cuz if it wasn't yo mama would roll off it.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

A sister decided to troll her younger brother by asking him when he's gonna get married

Sister : Do you ever wanna get married ?

Brother : No!

Sister : But why ?

Brother : Cuz you're my sister!

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Cuz he only comes once a year

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

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