Crowded Jokes - 48 Hilarious Crowded Jokes

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

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Guy walks into a very crowded bar

The bar has long line so he gets in the line and waits and waits and waits. After finally being served he orders a bottle of Whiskey and leaves the line. After drinking the whole bottle of whiskey he gets a light headache and thinks water is a good idea. But there is a long line to get water. He get...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

How do you find a vegan at a crowded party?

Don't worry; she'll find YOU.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his

unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"

A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."

THE crowded restaurant had a sign reading

“Not Responsible for Personal Items”, so Larry kept checking on his belongings.

Finally his friend said, “Larry, you’re driving me nuts. Stop watching our coats.”

“I’m only watching mine,” Larry said. “Yours was stolen half an hour ago.”

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

At a crowded garden party.

So, a couple years back, I was at a pretty fancy outdoors party. It seemed like the whole town was there. But the atmosphere was nice, and the local band played some good music, so I enjoyed myself.

I thought I'd like a nice cold beer in the warm weather, so I went over to the bar. As I appro...

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A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

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Enraged man enters a crowded bar with a shotgun.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE? He yells.
Somebody from the crowd yells back: YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH BULLETS!

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A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have...

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Why is it always crowded in a sperm bank?

Because people are paid to come.
Why'd you think sperm donations are really expensive, because they're handmade
But Its hardwork tho, it takes alo of balls to do it, whatever you thing you on regular that's nutting.

Why are sperm banks always so crowded?

People are paid to come inside.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

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A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.

Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

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A guy gets on a crowded bus.

The seats are full, except one empty seat next to a very attractive nun, so he decides to sit next to her. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and storms off the bus

The bus driver approaches the man and says, "There is a way you can screw that nun....

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"Heaven is getting too crowded"

St. Peter tells 3 men who died near the same time, "So we can only let in one of you. Each of you will tell me how you died, and whoever died in the worst way gets in." * The first guy enters St. Peters office and begins his story. "There I was painting the balcony of my 14th story apartment, I l...

A grasshopper walks into a crowded bar.

He sits down on a stool and orders a glass of beer. The bartender says, “That’s funny. I figured you’d order something different, especially since we’ve got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender baffled and says, “You’ve got a drink named Stan?”

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Two friends are at a crowded football game

It is pouring down rain everyone is standing huddled together in raincoats suffering the weather as its a fantastic game.

One friend leans over and says "I really need to go to the bathroom but i don't want to miss this game!"

"Just piss in the pocket of the guy next to you. He won't n...

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In a crowded bar, a drunk man enters and calls out one of the customers:

\- Hey you! I've been at your mother's place before, and I fucked her good! everyone looks shocked at the guy but he was just sipping his Scotch in peace. The man leaves and arrives after 30 minutes, saying to the same guy:

\- Hey you! I fucked your mom so good that she still hasn't recovered...

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

How do you get Pikachu on a crowded train...

....you Pokemon

Why can't you trust crowded libraries?

They're full of 'shhh'.

I was at a crowded bar the other day

When a man fell down and stopped breathing.

The waitress yelled out “does anybody know CPR?”

I yelled back “I do! I know the entire alphabet!”

We all laughed and laughed. Well, except for that one guy.

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

I was at the crowded post office, when two people with masks entered

There was a total panic.

Then they shouted "This is a robbery" and we all calmed down.

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A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar.

“Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

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[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
<...

A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar

He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s dri...

This guy walks into a crowded restaurant

He finds a seat at the bar. While he is waiting for the bartender he notices two big T-Bones dangling from the ceiling near the wall. When the bartender gets his drink order they guy asks why the pieces of meat are hanging from the ceiling. The bartender explains that it is a challenge. If the guy c...

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Two guys sitting next to each other in a loud, crowded bar...

Over all the noise, one guy turns to the other guy and says, "I had sex with your mother last night". The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.

About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!" A few people around them stopped what they w...

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She blew me a kiss from across a crowded room.

I caught it and punched myself in the dick with it, to let her know I like it rough.

Two Jewish men walked into a bar which was super crowded

So they bought it

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A massive cage fighter goes into a crowded bar and sits down.

After finishing his first beer he stands up and shouts “all you on the left side of the bar are assholes, anyone got a problem with that?” The room remains silent and the cage fighter sits back down and orders another beer. When he finishes his second beer he stands again and shouts “all you on the ...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

A man runs into a crowded bar and yells “Run! Bad Bob is coming!”

Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.

Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. CRASH! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns ...

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. ...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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