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Contractions Jokes

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"





A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students.Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ...

Why don’t Italians use contractions?

Because they don’t make a pasta fee!

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."

Wife is tired of me using trite, meaningless expressions and overusing contractions. Oh well...

It's what it's.

My wife said, “I’m getting sick of you overusing contractions.”

Me: It’s what it’s.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

“Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a do...

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...

She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:

"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."

"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."

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