My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor, giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions, pointed to a gorgeous young woman and asked: “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She answered, “Probably out drinking with his mates.”

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?!" He asked, "Is this her first child?"

"No! This is her husband!"

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

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