To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

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Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween

because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a computer programmer's favorite kind of boob?

Pointers

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'...

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt...

Why did the computer programmer go to see his boss?

Because he wanted arrays

Why was the computer programmer who was sent back in time to 1700 disappointed?

Because it was all baroque and no byte

How do you know that a computer programmer is an extrovert instead of an introvert?

When he talks to you, he stares at your shoes instead of his own.

What did the computer programmer name his son?

Cody.


(pretty sure I just made this up :) )

Why are blind people bad computer programmers?

Because they can't C.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem.

[source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)

Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven?

They were too GUI.

Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever?

Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"

A computer programmer was asked if he used Java or something else.

After a short pause, he replied "Yes."

What happens when a computer programmer does a marathon?

Runtime Error.

What does the libertarian computer programmer say?

All fields should be private.

IAmA dyslexic government computer programmer, AMA!

Whoops, wrong usb.

What did the hungry computer programmer say?

All I want is one byte. Hell, I'll even take a nibble.

What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common?

They both worry about the position of colons.

What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children?

A PDFile.

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

...

A group of people are travelling and see a zebra which is completely white

The buisnessman says: Look! The zebra here are white!

The biologist says: That may not be true, but its an important discovery nonetheless

The statistician says: This zebra is insignificant, only one is known to exist

The mathematician says: Actually we only know that this zebra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hooker decides to marry...

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took ...

It's OK to go number 1 in the shower...

...unless you count like a computer programmer.

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth...

The talking frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tel...

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