Colder Jokes - 35 Hilarious Colder Jokes

I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder...

In fact, it's bordering on Chile

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" ...

If a cow is cold, you get a milkshake. But what do you get when the cow is even colder?

A dead cow

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Try to remember your neighbours throughout these colder months, especially the elderly and infirm.

The old bitch next to me hasn't been round once to see if I'm OK. She hasn't even taken her milk in for the last two weeks either.

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

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Cold

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest iglo...

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Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

Two people were on a kayak

Though because they were out for too long the place started getting colder and colder, they knew there was only one solution, to heat themselves the decided to light a fire on the craft.

Unfortunately it caught on fire and sank

Guess it goes to show that you can't have your kayak and h...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

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Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter.

Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter. It got caught in a winter storm and landed on a fence in a farmer's field to rest, but just kept getting colder and colder until it fell off the fence into the snow. The bird was certain it was going to die until a passing cow...

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

A man goes to a bar and orders three pints...

The bartender serves them and the man sits down and proceeds to drink one after the other until all three are gone. He returns the bar and orders three more, drinks them, and then returns to the bar once more...

The bartender says, "you know they'll stay colder and fresher if you order them o...

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold."

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

A talk between two dead.

Two women have died recently and they were talking.
Woman 1:How did you die?
Woman 2:I died freezing.
Woman 1:omg freezing?! You must have suffered until you died!
Woman 2:Not at all.. I just felt colder and colder..And I started freezing slowly and didn't feel anything.But how did YOU...

Vow of silence

A man moves to Tibet to escape life and decides to become a monk. The head monk welcomes him and tells him he’ll need to take a vow of silence if he wishes to be a monk. The head monk tells him that each year he will be allowed to speak 2 words.

The man agrees. His first year is rough. The ni...

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...

He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn ...

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

I asked my husband to go upstairs to help our daughter with her Spelling homework

Her assignment was to create a word search with this week’s spelling words. 20 minutes later I hear him saying “colder”, “getting warmer”, “hotter”, etc. So I went upstairs to see what was going on. He had written each word on an index card and hid them around the room for her to find! That’s th...

A joke from the 6-year old my girlfriend babysits...

They are watching TV, and this conversation happens...

GF: "It's cold, I'm freezing in here."

KID: "Let me guess. Your house is much hotter."

GF: "No, actually it's much colder because my roommate doesn't want to put the heat on."

KID: "So why don't you just put it on?...

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

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A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn.

Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn. Sure he’d clinched the argument, the first Eskimo pulled back his polar-bear-skin blanket and revealed that his bed was made of ice.

“Nah, mine’s colder,” claimed the second Eskimo. And wh...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

A woman needs a ticket for a train

It's in the olden days, when traveling across the country meant getting a berth on a sleeper car of a train. She arrives at the station, but finds the train is sold out; there are no empty cars. She is desperate to get a ride, so the ticket seller tells her there is one empty bed, but it is in a dou...

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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

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An Indian Chief predicts weather in modern society

It was autumn, and members of a Native American tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. To play it safe, he rep...

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