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Caffein Jokes

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

Caffeine is just tamer cocaine

I guess you could call it diet coke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Why was the caffeine addicted crow agitated?

Because of the caw fee.

What do you call someone who’s addicted to caffeine?

Caffiend.

Caffeine is like my psycho girlfriend.

As long as we're together everything is great, but if I ignore it for one day, it tries to kill me.

What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever?

Infini-tea.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

What do you call someone who doesnt drink coffee for caffeine or believe in religion?

A Teaist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a doctors office and tells his doctor he wants to live forever

The doctor says “sure I can make you live forever, but you have to do exactly as I say”

The guy eagerly agrees.

The doctor says “first you must cut out all sugar in your diet. No exceptions, come back in a month and I will give you the next step.”

The guy goes home, and for the ...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

What do you call a cow that just gave birth

De-caffeinated

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I before e

Except for when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Woman walks into Starbucks

-We recommend caffeine-free coffee for pregnant women.
-I'm not pregnant.
-Wow, how about sugar-free then?

Took a Grab taxi this evening

Upon getting to the intersection, I told the cabbie “Take the left, it’s much faster”.

The cabbie suddenly bolted upright. I thought he just dozed off or got tensed from caffeine.

Then he shared it was his 1st day with Grab.

He used to be a funeral service driver.

Three stages of tiredness

Drunk squirrel: when your so tired you slur words and just ramble on and can't walk straight

Squirrel on Cocain and Caffeine: when your brain knows you wanna stay up to it just gives you a burt of energy and power making the very ground you shake walk

Dead squirrel: when you cant take ...

QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

Counting sheep

Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.

Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.

Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?

Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.

Bill : Did you try counting sheep? 

Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks

I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?

V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being interviewed for a government job...

The man interviewing asks, "have you ever been in any wars?"
The man applying says, "yes I was in Iraq"
The other then asks, "were you injured in any way?"
He replies, " yeah I was actually near the site of an explosion and the shrapnel hit me in the groin, I lost both my testicles."
T...

Fix the joke - A physicist and his coffee

A physics professor was a horrible caffeine addict - he never went anywhere without a full coffee cup. He was notorious amongst his students for having an obvious tell on what would be on his exams. Any time during lecture he got excited, he would inevitably spill his coffee on the floor. As a resul...

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