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Closest Jokes

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was

when I dated a schizophrenic.

Today is the Perihelion, the day the earth is closest to the sun

Not to be confused with the perineum, which is closest to the moon.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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What is the closest thing to a womans period ?

Your salary.....

It comes once a month. Lasts between 5 to 7 days and if it doesn't come, you're fucked.

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The clien...

An older man sees a sign saying "Free Shaves! Closest you'll ever get!"

The old man walks into the barber shop and goes to the counter.

"Free shaves eh? And you claim that they are close? All these wrinkles make it impossible for me to get a close one."

The barber smiles and hands him a wooden ball, and guides him over to the barber chair.

"Put ...

The closest I've ever come to murder is...

Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

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A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

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[NSFW] Jeffery Epstein visited the US Virgin Islands with 12 of his closest friends...

They then left quickly when they learned the territory is over 100 years old.

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

If the average human can walk 3 miles a day and the closest shop is 5

Why hasn't my dad come back yet?

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A man from stockholm decieds to move away from the grinde of the big city and buys a house in northern sweden out in the middel of nowhere

After having bougth his house and get settled a local comes to his house and greats him
"Hi! im your closest neighbour and i wanna invite you to a welcoming party!"
The stockholmer is pleasnetly supprised and agrees
"Alrigth! ill see you tomorrow! but just so you know thiere is gonna ...

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

I'm not racist, a lot of my closest friends are black.

My favourite is the guy in Cell 21.

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

What's the closest synonym to a love boat?

A relation-ship.

A garage should be called a Carage. And the parking spots closest to the door should be called CarKing spots.

Road rage should permanently be renamed to carnage.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne...

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.

President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

A man was standing on the corner when an old van from the 1980's drove by ...

... it had a long whip antenna attached to its side. Tragically however the clasp holding to the van at the end closest to the rear doors broke off just as the van was rounding the corner. The whip antenna sprung free and nicked the man's arm. He didn't think much of it at the time, but later h...

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

How much does Putin want oil prices to be capped?

Well his closest advisors say he needs this like he needs a hole in the head....

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"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

A travelling salesman

A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.

\- You can spend the night, but you’ll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.

\- F#ck. I'm in a wrong joke.

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

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life of a dick aint easy.

I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
My best friends a pussy.
My closest neighbors an asshole
And everytime I get excited I throw up.

Private Jones goes to SHAPE

While working a NATO conference at the Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe, Private Jones, of the US Army had some free time. So he found his way to the closest pub, and finding all the bar stools taken, he asks to sit down at a table filled with 3 older gentleman wearing uniforms.

A b...

A man attempts to enter a pub but is stopped at the door.

The bouncer tells him he's not allowed in without a neck tie on tie night.

So the man goes back to his car in search of a tie and the closest thing he could find was a pair of jumper leads.

He decides to tie those around his neck and as he attempts to enter the pub again the bouncer sa...

A drunk man is stumbling around outside...

He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!...

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A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his neighbor’s an asshole.
And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

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A sailor arrives to a port city

He runs off to the closest brothel and begs the madam
“Madam, I just spent the last two years at sea with men only around me, I must be with a woman, but I only have 5 dollars, is there someone I can get for 5$?”

The Madam answers -
“Well, 5$ is way too cheap for anything… but, there is...

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

Difference between men and women

Julie didn't come home one night. When her husband Tom asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.

Tom was a bit suspicious so he called her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Jul...

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

A middle-aged woman still lives with her parents

Her mother was walking by her room and heard from inside "buuzzzzzzzz zzzzz bzzzzz." She opened the door to see her daughter laying on the bed playing her "toy" and yelled "what is going on in here?!" Her daughter replied "mom, I'm 40 years old, still live with my parents, this is the closest thing...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

Homecoming

There is terrible accident in ISS, leaving only one American astronaut alive. All the communications are dead, but he has lots of food, water and oxygen to survive. Finally after two years he is able manufacture escape pod and lands in rural Texas.


He makes his way to closest town and ent...

A guy is driving his girlfriend home

...when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.

The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car an...

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A Penis Has A Sad life...

His hair is a mess,his family is nuts, his closest neighbour is a asshole,his best friend is a pussy &a his owner beats him viciously

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.

He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.

Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, an...

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

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Three men stand at Heaven's door.

Three men stand at Heaven's door. Unfortunately for them, Heaven was somewhat full so Saint Peter would only let those who died a tragic death to enter.

The first man, understanding the situation approaches.

"I came home to my apartment and found my wife was naked in bed and another ma...

Hot woman gets on a full bus

There are several guys sitting, and as the bus leaves, none of them offer her a seat. They won't even make eye contact.

After a few seconds, to no-one in particular, she says, "I can't believe how rude men are today. To leave a woman in... my condition, standing on a bus! My grandma would be ...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town.

I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was
searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads.
I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me
how to get to the J...

A University poses the following question to the best student in each subject:

A train crashes on the border between France and Germany. Where do you bury the survivors?

The Phyics student replied saying that, since a border is a 2 dimentional object and humans are 3D, they would have to be buried in both France and Germany simultaneously.

The Law student stated ...

How do make a chickpea soup?

You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

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A young couple traveling on wild west, decided to ask a cowboy for directions.

The cowboy was sitting in his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:

"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"

The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man pissed off, said:

"Who the fuck do you th...

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When I came out to my dad, he was surprisingly supportive!

He's not homophobic or anything, it's just the closest he's ever come to child support.

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are th...

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

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A man goes to a college campus. . .

A man goes to a college campus for a tour because he thinks he wants to go the following year. As he's taking his tour, he sees a large crowd surrounding a fraternity house.

He moves through the crowd and is shocked when he sees dozens of people on the lawn on the house, giving each other blo...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

Two german solders at the end of WW2...

...got stranded in Italy. They were tired and thirsty so they went to the closest inn. Since they didn't want to be recognised as germans they agreed to order martinis. While ordering they ask waither for martinis and he asks them: "Dry martini?".

Nein zwei

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

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The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked t...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

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Why do hippies like didgeridoos?

It’s the closest they can get to giving a tree a blowjob.

hurricane

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme

Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.

What does the suicide-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up?

He looks at the closest custodian and says

"PEACE IS EVERYWHERE!"

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he m...

I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I could get.

I'am So Ugly.....

That when my dog humps my leg, he closest his eyes and looks away.

An armless man walks into a bar

which is empty except for the bartender.
He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks the bartender if he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges.
Next the man asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. T...

A priest goes golfing with his nuns....

A priest who typically goes golfing with his friends every Thursday afternoon gets a call saying his buddies won't be joining him one morning. Still wanting to go, he asks three of his nuns to go with him for company. They agree, somewhat hesitantly.

On the first tee, the priest's shot lands...

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Why is titty fucking a girl the most romantic way to make love?

Because it's when you're closest to her heart.

A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it

A young woman gets on a bus and notices that all of the seats have been taken.

So she asks the closest gentleman “Could I have your seat? I’m pregnant.” The man was taken aback and immediately says “Of course. I didn’t even notice. Please take it, it’s no problem.” He gets up, and relinquishes the seat over to the woman. He leans on the post opposite her and takes a closer loo...

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to chec...

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

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A man moves out to the country

As he is unloading his moving truck, another vehicle pulls onto his property. A man gets out and says

"Hi, I'm your closest neighbor, I live about a mile down that way. I'm having a party this weekend. It should be a lot of fun, lots of drinking, fighting, and fucking. What do you say?"<...

A Blonde, Red Head and Brunette

were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.

So, there was a Horse, a Sheep and a Chicken and they lived in a barn

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole. "T...

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

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