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NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair...

The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides.

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said ...

I had a splinter one time...

...I guess you could say it got out of hand

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the spli...

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NSFW: PINOCCHIO WENT TO GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND GEPPETTO...

After some small talk,Geppetto ask Pinocchio,"So Pinocchio, tell me,how is your love life?"

Pinocchio reluctantly tells him,"Well Gepetto, the women complain about me getting splinters in their vagina.

"I have just the thing,"Geppetto continues. He leaves the room and came back with so...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio and his new girlfriend were having problems in bed.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters coming from Pinocchio's woody.

Pinocchio didn't know how to fix this and eventually went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the ha...

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

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The year is 480BC, and the Persians are invading Sparta.

The Persian army is marching through the hills of Sparta when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Spartan can beat ten Persians!"

The Persian officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of sc...

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

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Puppet Show

A youth group goes to a puppet show. Before the show begins, a man wearing a black turtleneck can be seen behind the stage putting his hand into each of the puppets for a moment and then moving on to the next one. Finally the lights go dark to signal the show is about to begin. When suddenly an 11 y...

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

So, Pinnochio goes to Geppetto and asks about girls...

Geppetto responds, “Ahh, i know exactly what you need. Here’s a few condoms.”

Pinnochio leaves, comes back later, very sad.

Geppetto asks, “Whats wrong Pinnochio?”

Pinnochio looks at Geppetto, and says “Geppetto, all of the girls complained about splinters. The splinters were te...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

You know what really gets under my skin?

Splinters. Those get under my skin.

Pinocchio's problem

Pinocchio complains to his father saying 'Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.' His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his member down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, 'How are the girls?' Pino...

A guy was walking down the street one night...

...when he heard a loud "thump! thump!" behind him. When he turned around he saw a huge coffin following him. "thump! thump!"

Well the guy was obviously surprised, and more than just a bit scared. He starts walking a bit faster. The coffin picked up the pace as well, "Thump! Thump!"

So...

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ...

started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas.

Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem.

Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use.

Several w...

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Little Johnny is in class giving a test.

He gets done with it way before everyone else, and now gets to sit in silence while everyone else gets done with theirs. Having nothing else to do, he idly begins doodling on the corner of his paper to kill time, and when the time's up, he hands his paper in with everyone else.

Later during t...

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The Girl with the Wooden Eye

Another of my old man's jokes...

A girl and her friend are sitting in a busy night club where lots of people are dancing. The friend says, 'Honey, you should find someone to dance with.' The girl says, " I don't know, I'm so self conscious about my wooden eye. Guys always stare at it and make...

Bird Jokes

Just some random bird-brain jokes...

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A flicker

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A wader

What bird can do more that others? Pelican

What two birds met in the insane asylum? A cuckoo and a loon

What bir...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

A man runs into a crowded bar and yells “Run! Bad Bob is coming!”

Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.

Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. CRASH! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns ...

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A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small

A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small. She agrees but says that she doesn't want breast implants because Silicone isn't a renewable resource. He suggests that she find a natural alternate. Weeks later she has a great idea and carves two boobs out of a tree from her back yard...

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."

The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This ...

An IRS agent visits a synagogue for an audit

After finding no violations, he goes up to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, do you light candles for Sabbath?" asks the IRS agent.

"Of course we do" replies the rabbi.

"And do you have cinders left over?"

"Yes, but we send them to a factory and they make one big candle for us."
...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

Pinocchio is having issues in bed.

He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.

A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

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Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...

Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having sex with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpap...

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

M&Ms

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters....

Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list?

Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.

So a blonde goes to the hospital...

and tells the doctor that everywhere she touches she suffers emense pain. She procceeds to touch her elbow and yelps in pain. She then procceeds to touch her forehead, her leg, her arms all with the same result of her yelping in pain. The doctor then procceeds to examin all the places she touched wi...

Pinocchio's love life.

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the c...

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Three Guys on a Lake

Three guys were chilling on a beach, when one of them found a dirty bottle in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off, and a genie came out.

He said, "Alas, I am free from my eternal prison inside that dreaded bottle! I promised myself I would grant 3 wishes to whoever freed me. Since ...

A girl falls off the seesaw

and gets a splinter in her finger.
She runs inside and asked her aunt for a cup of cider,
Her aunt asks "why do you want a cup of cider?"
She replies "well, every time my sister has a prick in her hand,
she want to put it in cider"

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Guarantee this one has been posted before

So, three guys are in a hardware store looking to buy a toilet.

The guy at the register says, "we have three left in stock: a wooden toilet, a metal toilet and a singing toilet."

The first guy takes the wooden toilet, the second guy the metal one and the third, the singing one.

...

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