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Flies Jokes

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

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Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when...

One gets pissed off!

(sorry!)

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

Time Flies Like an Arrow

Fruit flies like a banana.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but how did they get in there?

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Flies

A priest was walking by little Johnnys house and saw the boy outside eating watermelon and swatting flies saying, " flies, Flies, I hate these useless flies" so the priest stops and says,
" Nothing is useless in God's eyes Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "if I can nam...

Time flies when you are Putin!

President Putin is in a meeting at the Kremlin when suddenly, one of the officials enters the room and approaches Putin, saying, "Mr. President! We've just received news that Comrade Prigozhin has tragically died in an airplane accident!"

Surprised, Putin raises his hand and checks his watch,...

A tachyon flies into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons here."

"Why not? You did tomorrow."

They say "Time flies when you're having fun"...

I don't get it man, what's the best way to time a fly?

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom

What has 4 legs and flies?

A dead horse.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

What do you call a priest that flies

A predator drone.

What has two of every animal and flies the Jolly Roger proudly?

Noah's arrrrrrrrrrrr.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do u call a black man that flies plane?

A pilot u racist .

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What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. the Extra-Testicle.

Stop asking how Dumbo flies

The answer is ear elephant

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god-knows how they got in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

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An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

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Flies in vine glasses

A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finn...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...
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