UPJOKE
asturiasloveswantslikesdeva riverknowshatesthinksunderstandslistensguardianshipupkeeptendingworrymaintenance

Caressing Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband gets into bed with his wife.

A husband gets into bed with his wife. He's feeling especially horny and starts kissing and caressing her. A couple minutes into foreplay and the wife stops her husband.

"Sorry, honey we can't do it tonight. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning."

The husband rolls ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

I saw a loved up couple on the train.

The woman was caressing the man's genital warts, and it made me feel uneasy.

I hate public displays of infection.

A 9 year old kid walks down the hallway of his house

and hears something coming from his older sisters room. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his sister naked caressing herself and saying, "Oh, I want a boy, Oh I need a boy."

The boy didn't understand so he kept walking to his room. The next day he looked through the keyhole again and saw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of ten years is in bed

They haven't had sex in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.

"Found the remote!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard in court.

An elderly lady was on trial for murder and the judge asked the woman to reitrate what had happend.

“Well, I had been on a date with this man, yes even at my age, and I asked him in for a cup of coffee. As we sat on the couch he put his arm around me.” The lady answered.

“That seems al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy starts making out with a dumb blonde

She starts feeling up his arms and says in sexy voice "Ooh! What do we have here? They're so big!"

Guy says "You like that baby? That's 50 pounds of dynamite."

She continues caressing his body and when she gets to his legs, she says in a sexy voice "Ooh! What do we have here? They're h...

Adam is lonely...

So God creates Eve. God orders Adam to reproduce with Eve. "How?," Adam asks. "First, you must hug and caress Eve." Adam asks "God, what is hugging and caressing?" And God explains.

"I liked hugging and carressing, what's next?" Adam asks. "Next you must kiss Eve," God answers. "What is '...

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.

"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."

He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys asks random girl on street if he can bite her tits...

Girl: "No, absolutely not!"

Guy: "What If I pay you $100?"

Girl: "No thanks. Keep your money...."

Guy: "How about $1,000?"

Girl: "I don't think so...."

Guy: "Okay lady, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you $10,000 if you let me bite your tits!"

Girl: "......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

A circus is looking for a new lion tamer...

Two people audition for the job, a man and a beautiful woman. The circus owner cautions them, "This is a very dangerous job, and my last tamer got eaten."
Neither are fazed by his warnings, and the owner lets the two try taming the lion. The woman goes first, and steps into the cage.
The lion ...

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her a...

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hot mother-in-law seduced me.

I was dropping off something for my wife when she called me upstairs and started touching my chest. My father-in-law was not home, apparently. She told me that she'd always thought I was cute as she started caressing her own body, trying to seduce me.

She told me I had two options.

1. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple celebrate their 50th anniversary.

A man in a restaurant overhears an elderly couple next to him celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Dear do you remember 50 years ago when I proposed to you right here in this same spot?" the old man asks caressing his wife's hand.

"Yes honey I do remember." she replies smiling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional. (slightly NSFW)

One day a beautiful young woman goes to the church confessional.

"Forgive me father", she says as she sits down in the booth, "I have sinned".

"What is your sin, my child?" asks the priest as he eyes her curvaceous body through the holes of the booth window.

"Father, I took the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell..

The devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do with you." says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. As you have to stay here definitely, I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I have got 3 folks here who weren't as bad as you were. I will let 1 of th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.