Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says ‟The only reason you're not already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time.”

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. ‟I saw a man's penis on...

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

Car crash

Today I came upon a car crash. The female driver was hysterical. She kept screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind” I tried to calm her down and reassure her she was just in shock. I asked her “How many fingers do I have up?” “ She screamed even louder “ Oh my God, I’m paralyzed from the waist down too”

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

Did you hear about the guitar that had a car crash?

It had a Fender bender

Both of my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid.

Not only did I lose my parents, but Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all forgot about me that year too.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

A pregnant woman gets into a car crash..

She survives but ends up in a coma for about a week. When she wakes up, she notices that her belly was flat and starts to panic. Her doctor comes in and tells her that everything is okay and that she actually gave birth to two healthy twins in her coma: a girl and a boy.

He explains to her t...

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

I met my wife in a car crash

The brain damage she suffered didn’t hurt my chances

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

A man gets in a car crash and is sent to Hell.

He is greeted by Satan and three doors. “What’s in the doors?” the man asks. “Well,” Satan responds, “each door contains one of your choices for where to spend the rest of eternity.” The man looks at the doors and asks, “Can I look inside them first?” Satan nods and opens the first door. Inside is a...

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash?

A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

What is the leading cause of car crashes?







Cars!!

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

“Who was the first man?”

And the nun replies, “Adam”

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

“Who was the first woman?”

The second nun answers “Eve”

“Correct, in you go” replies the angel

Then turning to the...

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity...

But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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Lorena Bobbitt has died in a car crash

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there".

"And over there. And up there. And back there."

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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A couple get into a bad car crash...

... which ends them up in the hospital. The man comes to in the ER and starts calling out for his wife. The doctors come in and calm him down a bit. They explain to him that he's been in an accident and that his wife was in surgery. The surgeon came in and said "Look, we had some complications. Your...

Who do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

A Man Dies In A Tragic Car Crash With Two Friends.

They all end up in Heaven and are asked, "When people see you in your casket at your funeral, what would you like to hear them say?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a very competent doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

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A small group of nuns died in a car crash.

They were at the gates of Heaven when an angel said, you may pass, but first answer this question: Have you ever touched a penis. He told them to line up and the first nun said, “There was one time... with my pinky...” The angel said to dip her pinky in holy water then she was able to cross to heave...

Three Guys Die in a Car Crash

They're all sent to heaven, and get their own cars to reach the gates of heaven.

The man who never cheated on his wife got a Ferrari, the man who cheated on his wife once got a mid-tier car and the one who cheated on his wife twice got an old car.

When they all reached the gates of hea...

What is the fastest way to learn surviving a car crash?

A crash course

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval...

What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?

A rectangle

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

Canadian and Chinese man get into a car crash

Chinese man knows very little English.

Chinese man: I am sorry

Canadian: I am sorry too

Chinese man: I am sorry three

Canadian: What are you sorry for?

Chinese man: I am sorry five

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Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.

The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis." St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you ...

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On the way home from dinner, three friends died in a car crash.

When the arrived at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter said he would let them in if they had something related to Christmas on them.

The first one pulled out a cigarette lighter. “It looks like a little Christmas candle,” he said. St. Peter reluctantly let him pass.
The second friend pulled...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

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A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.

After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.

"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you ...

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are u...

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!

lawyer: how high can you raise it now?

the man raises his hand to a very low place

lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?

the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

3 Guys died at a car crash and all went to hell.

One was American, the second was Chinese, and the third one was Mexican.

The devil then said, "If you survive my flaming whip, you can go to heaven."

The three guys accept the challenge

The devil then says, "Ok, you can put on anything as protection from the whip.

The Ame...

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.

She's all right now.

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

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Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

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Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt

I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

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3 Men tragically died in a car crash

When they go to heaven they appear in front of Father Joseph who then says

“None of you were meant to die.. and because I cannot send you back to earth as your families have already mourned.. you may choose what you would like to become before you are sent back.”

The first man went to...

Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven.

They’re greeted at the gates by St Peter, who says to them “I’m sorry ladies, but we’re getting very full these days, so you’ll need to answer a question about the bible each to get in.” The nuns agree and he asked the first one “How long have you been a nun?”.

“Only about six months.” She re...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

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Blonde girl in a car crash.

Says to the paramedic, I think I have concussion! Paramedic asks,

"How many fingers have I got up?" Blonde replies,

"Oh god my Pussy's paralysed too!"

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton gets in a car crash who will survive?

America.

I was 6 and saw a car crash, and asked my dad...

Me: Dad, what's going on?

Dad: Son, a car crashed.

Me: Why?

Dad: That was an accident.

Me: What's an accident?

Dad: You.

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

What do you call a Hobbit who got in a car crash?

Kim Carcrashian

99 dead in Tesla autopilot car crash

This has caused Tesla to drop all ideas of a battle Royale mode for Tesla cars

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A man gets in a serious car crash.

He wakes up with all his normal body parts except he has a Rooster's head.
Seeing he has a Rooster's head he finds a doctor.

The doctor tells him, "You got into a car crash with a truck carrying Roosters."
"When the parademics arrived your head was decapitated.
Luckily for you, the ...

A couple died in a car crash in the way to their wedding...

A couple dies in a severe car crash on the way to their wedding...

Little did they know they would be arriving in heaven to meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Upon seeing Peter they asked if they could be married in heaven since they were in everlasting love with each other.
...

Three guys die in a car crash...

At the pearly gates, the angel says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can’t send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?”

One guy sa...

Why did the car crash?

Because the lazy mechanic took a brake

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

A Man and A Woman Both Collide in A Car Crash.

The man quickly rushes out of his car to help the woman out.


The woman says "Wow, we both got into a car crash yet we both survived. This calls for a celebration."

The man slowly nodded his head in agreement.


The woman takes a bottle of whiskey out of her car trunk, star...

When Princess Diana Died in the car crash it was all over the radio....

The steering wheel, dashboard, etc.

What’s a car crash victim’s favorite breakfast food?

Coma toast.

Xbox One and PS4 Get into a car crash...

And here comes the ambulance "WIIUWIIUWIIUWIIUWIIU"

My mother was in a car crash but luckily she was okay...

WAS okay, she's dead now.

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A womans husband dies in a car crash

A womans husband dies in a car crash. The only part of him that remains is his arse. The woman decides to bury her husbands arse at the nearest graveyard. After a year the woman runs into her old friend who asks how her husband is. "He's dead but he is still an asshole".

Three men die in a car crash

They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse".

The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari.

The second man says...

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

Car Crash

I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....

Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!

One day a bus of about 30 people die in a car crash

Once they get to heaven god says,”Since you all died in such a tragic way I will grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.” Well the first woman walks up and says,”God I wish to be beautiful.” So God made her stunningly beautiful. The next man doesn’t really know what to wish for so he wishes...

A police officer was attending a car crash where the driver and passengers had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and jumped around the crashed cars.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked ...

Two 9/11 Truthers die together in a car crash

They go to heaven and stand before God.

God says: "You may get a truthful answer to one question."

First one says: "Who really did 9/11?"

God says: "A bunch of al-Qaeada terrorists"

Second one whispers to the first: "Wow, this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!"

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Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."

The first man ...

4-way car crash reported in Mexico City.

86 confirmed dead.

A husband tells his wife about the car crash he got into...

Husband: Hey, I got in a car crash today. I got hurt real bad, I broke my arm and fractured my wrist. I also sprained my ankle and the car nearly exploded! Luckily Lucy pulled me out of the car just before it exploded. I spent a couple days in hospital but I'm fine now.

Wife: Who's Lucy?

A Family Dies in a Car Crash

The only survivor is their pet monkey. The police comes to find out what happened and as it was a dry, sunny day with no hindrances to explain the crash, they begin to interrogate the monkey.

"So, what was the boy in the back doing?" and the monkey imitates punching. "Okay, so he was hitting ...

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4 nuns dies in a car crash

And stands in line at the pearly gates, soon they are greated by st. Peter who asks the first nun, if she had sinned, and she answers truthfully, i once grace a penis with my littlefinger, and St. Peter says: wash your finger in this bowl of holy water and you may proceed. The second nun is asked th...

You and your two friends die in car crash...

At the gates of heaven. St. Peter explains that everyone will get a partner in heaven to fit your desires but the quality is depending on how good you behaved on earth.

The first friend steps up to the gate:
"-You have sinned moderately so you will get a moderate looking partner."
<...

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious car crash

He says to the doctor "Oh god I can't feel my legs"
The doctor says "I know I amputated your arms"

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

My sausage-addicted friend died in a car crash.

Apparently, he took a turn for the wurst.

My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.

Car Crash

A man and a women are involved in a car crash while driving down the highway. They both get out of their cars to talk. The woman exclaims, 'Oh thank God that neither of us were injured in this wreck, surely this is a miracle!' to which the man replies, 'yes, look at both of our cars, they're destr...

After a car crash, a woman comes to the hospital to see her husband...

She asks the doctor :


"How is my husband ? Is he going to be fine ?"


The doctor said :


"Well, his lower body is untouched"


Being less concerned she says :


"Oh, thank God, but what about the upper?"


He answered :


" His upper...

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car crash and goes to heaven.

The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answer...

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A husband and wife are in a car crash

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the crash and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.

The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband ...

A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

A Rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash.

A rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. Miraculously they both escaped unscathed.

The Rabbi looks to the priest and says "surely this is a miracle by the grace of god don't you agree?"

The priest agrees with the Rabbi.

"Then surely you would agree God would want us to celebra...

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So an engaged couple die in a car crash...

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even ...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

3 Nuns die in a car crash...

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask ...

A bus full of ugly people get into a car crash..

causing everyone on the bus to die

Because everyone on the bus had done nothing wrong in their life, god decided they would be allowed into heaven. As a bonus, he would give them all one free wish
As the first of the really ugly people entered heaven, god had asked what his wish was. After...

News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon.

Still waiting for the highlights!

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.

On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car crash" or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."

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