Cal Jokes - 45 Hilarious Cal Jokes

What d you cal a very large tick?

Gigantic!

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

What do you call it when you drop your waffle on the beach of SoCal?

Sandy eggo

What do you cal halal cured meats?

Salaami

What do you cal an orgy in Alabama?

A family reunion

What do you cal a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs bunny

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

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A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

How do people in Nor Cal get around?

Hella copters

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic sister.

My Local Pizza Place Just Folded

Now they serve Calzones.

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

How many NorCal kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hella.

What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?

Claude

A woman was seated next to President Coolidge (aka “silent Cal”) at a dinner party.

“I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight,” she said.

“You lose,” he replied.

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

What do you call someone with 6 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears?

Ugly

A hero named "Super Cal" suffers from a slight weakness that curses his own body. However, he does have a certain strength. It's, unfortunately, his bad breath that makes him fairly unattractive.

So, basically..."Super Cal is fragile-ish except for Halitosis"

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

What do you call red wine in prison?

Penal Noir

How do mathematicians say goodbye?

Calc u later!

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[Long] Hey Pete

A group of friends go to a crowded museum. A bet is set that anyone who slaps that fat bald guy on the back of the head without getting one in return, will have free lunch. One of them, Cal, accepts the challenge. walks up to the guy. gives him a big fuckoff smack in the head and says "hey Pete, wha...

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other

Ilene.

What do you cal an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree

Kid: California starts with Cal

Dad: And?

Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal

Dad: What does that mean?

Kid: It all adds up

Meow

What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?

A purrvert.

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

Justice has been served!

There's been some scumbag called Callum known as cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turni...

Someone just tried to break into a famous Parks and Rec-inspired restaurant.

They wanted to rob Rob Lowe's low-cal calzone zone.

What's a fat cannibal's favorite popup ad?

Are you looking for hot lo-cal singles in your area?

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

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Had this really irritating flat mate

When I was at uni I had this really irritating flat mate called Callum. Always leaving his shit lying around and not tidying up. Drinking my milk out of the fridge, eating the last slice of bread. Pissing on the toilet seat. You know the sort of guy, the one who’s stirring your pint with his cock wh...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

A Guy's Mom Comes to Have Dinner at His Apartment

She notices that his female roommate is very attractive, and drops a few hints to him, wondering if they are more than just roommates. He assures her this is not the case. Dinner and the visit conclude, and mom goes home.

The next day, his roommate notices that their large silver serving spo...

You know why Communist Jokes are funny?

Because they are Commie-cal.

A Jewish and an Italian boy were growing up on the same street in the Bronx and became fast friends. Mainly because they shared the same birthday.

On their 12th birthdays, the Jewish boy receives a Rolex watch. The Italian boy receives a chrome 45 cal pistol.

Comparing what each got for their birthdays, they decide to trade. The Italian boy comes home to show his father what a good trade he's made. The Italian father slaps the boy upsid...

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Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

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So a hunter goes out to the forest

He’s just looking for a simple blacktail deer, but he hears big footsteps so he walks to the edge of a clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there’s a huge bear. The farmer aims down his sights, and shoots the bear. He looks up, and the bear is gone.

Suddenly, he feels a *tap tap tap* on h...

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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