Complet Jokes - 114 Hilarious Complet Jokes

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

I completely misunderstood Pride Month..

Does anyone want to buy 14 lions?

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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My sexbot is nearly complete

I just need to work in a few kinks!

…Later, when they find my dead body:

"Seems like this robot… turned on its creator!"

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

You're not completely useless!

You can always serve as a bad example.

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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My neighbor is pretty mad at his wife for sunbathing completely nude

Personally, I'm on the fence

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

I just completed a Rubik's Cube in seven seconds.

I dropped it into a tub of paint.

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

what's the difference in definition of complete vs. finished

When you marry the right woman you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

And questions?

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You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

To my favorite pond of water that completely evaporated last night:

You will be mist.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

95% of people are completely STUPID

Luckily, I’m in the other 10%

What would happen if a Jedi had to complete an Olympic Marathon?

You get Luke Skyrunner.

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I bet someone that I could masturbate to completion in under 10 seconds.

I totally pulled it off!

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...

Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach

My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

Last night I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color.

It was a pigment of my imagination

A Complete History of Russia (Abridged)

“And then things got worse.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

What do you call a completely white bee?

An Albeeno

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

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I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent.

Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

A man is in a hospital bed in complete agony...

The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt"

The Man says "everywhere, absolutely everywhere, I'm at my wits end, whenever I touch any part it hurts a lot!"

The doctor asks the man to point out the places the pain radiates from.

So the man pokes his knee, screaming as h...

No man is complete until he's married.

Then he's finished

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

My thesaurus arrived in the mail today, and it was completely blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

I needed to catch a bear to complete my zoo…

So I called a bear catcher.

The bear catcher shows up in his truck the next day. He gets out of his truck with a feather, some rope and a gun along side his dog, Blue.

He says that Blue is an expert bear tracker. He will find us a bear and run it up a tree.

“I’m going to chase...

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

A completely new joke about calculus.

Never mind, actually it's just derivative.

Did you know that Albert Einstein was completely made up?

He’s just a theoretical physicist.

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

What's red and completely invisible?

No tomatoes.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

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A complete guide on how to pirate:

1) You steal a ship

2) Get a crew

3)Go steal shit from other ships

Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!

I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

My New Year Resolution is to be completely serious next year

I'm not joking

A man got arrested for downloading the complete WikiPedia...

It's OK though, he can explain everything!

Guy walks into a bar completely naked...

except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “Hey man, can I get a beer?”

The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says “Sir uh... I can’t help but notice... you seem to have lost a sh...

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simulation of monkey pressing button

simulation complete

Using Left hand instead gave me a completely different feeling...

..was able to finish my work faster. Try changing the settings of the mouse.

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Tyrion's joke completed

Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wis...

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then fi...

A man was enjoying his breakfast while completing the daily crossword in the newspaper

He asks his wife across the table:
"What is a four letter word for a religious song?"

Wife:
"Hymn"

Man:
"Yeah it's a tricky one"

We are proud to announce that r/Jokes is now completely environmentally friendly sub

It's wholly made of recycled materials.

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

Jokes about feminine hygiene are completely inappropriate…

Period

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Wife gets home, completely breathless

Husband asks what's wrong. To which she says "I saved 3 euros because I missed the bus and ran after it till I got home." The husband somewhat confused says "you could've saved 40 euros if you ran after a taxi."

Have a good night everyone.

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