What does a hiccup and a rat have in common?

They both tell your wife you've been drinking.



taken from r/FollowThePunchline

Holding your breath is a reliable cure for the hiccups

....though now that I think on it, it cures just about every other ailment too.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the ...

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

A young man is visiting his girlfriend at her parent's home for the first time...

He's looking for a cup to make some tea in when he notices a long row of handmade cups, each inscribed with what seems like half-words. Just then the girlfriend's mother walks in, and he asks her what the deal with the cups are.

"Oh those. They are our family cups, one for each member, they'v...

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

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The Cure for Hiccups

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has anything to cure hiccups. The pharmacist says he does! So the pharmacist pulls out a glass and a pitcher of water. Then he starts filling the glass. He poured very slowly, and as the last little bit entered the cup, he let out a very loud...

A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.

"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."

"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.

"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of...

Curing a nuns hiccups

A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, bu...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

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A man was crossing the countryside in his car.

He had already been on the road for some time and he had a good way still to go when his motor hiccuped and died, and refused to start again.

The man popped the hood open and spent a few moments just cursing about the situation and trying to fix the engine, but he was no mechanic, so it seeme...

The Bartender's Challenge

A man enters a bar and walks right up to the counter.

As he's about to order a drink, he notices a huge glass jar, absolutely stuffed with $20s.

The man asks the bartender, "Hey, what's this, a tip jar or something?"

The bartender responds with a smile, "We have a little challe...

Last Request

A man's on the electric chair, getting ready to meet his maker. The warden is preparing to throw the switch when the man gets the hiccups.

The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"

The man replies, "(hic) Yeah! (hic) Could you please do (hic), could you please do (hic) somethi...

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A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian

get caught in a storm while sailing and crash into an island. The island is inhabited by cannibals. They're given 3 tasks and if they fail at anyone of them, they'll be eaten.
First they have to drink a bottle of moonshine, then they have to go into a tiger cave and kill a tiger and lastly they ...

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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.

The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”

“Ye...

A man comes home drunk late at night.

He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m.

Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; n...

I went to see the doctor the other day...

...and as I arrived, a nun rushed out crying. So, I said to the doctor, "d'you know, when I arrived here, a nun rushed out crying!". Doctor says, "oh yeah, I just told her she's pregnant."
"Oh my God," says I, "is she really?"
"No, of course not," says the doctor, "but it cured her hiccups!"

The English language is bizzare

There was a young girl from Slough

Who choked on a piece of raw dough

But the time she was through

With hiccup and cough

She woke everyone in the borough

Three women go to heaven...

Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the firs...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now an...

What do you call a cup with a Confederate flag on it?

A Hiccup!

Get it? Hick-cup?

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.

So the chief of the village takes him to a row of ...

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This is a riddle

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. Wha...

A man goes into a drugstore

and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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Drunk joke: the cuckoo-clock

A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends. Just before she left, she assured her husband that she wouldn’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.” Unfortunately it happened to be ladies night, which meant the cocktails were only half the usual price and the night got really fun...

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A Bear walks into a bar in Butte...

Walks up to the Bartender and says "Gimme a beer"

Bartender says "No way, get out! We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte!"

Drunk woman at the end of the bar says "You heard the man bear, get out!"

Bear says again "I'm asking nicely, please give me a beer"

Bartend...

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So, the day little Johnny is turning 12, his dad asks him the following question...

"Little Johnny, do you know how babies are born?"
The little boy, scared, answers immediately:
"I don't wanna know! Please promise you won't tell me, dad!!!"
The dad is really nonplussed, confused, and asks him:
"But why in the world don't you want to know, Johnny?"
Johnny, hiccuping ...

Silly Drunks.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the l...

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