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Lightning Bolt Jokes

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.

The businessman stepped up to tee and swung hard but missed

"Fucking goddamn to hell!" he swore.

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, my son." said the priest, wagging a finger.

The sky darkened a little, but the two men didn't notice.

Three times again the businessman...

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A priest is playing darts...

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: "Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed, my shot just missed!". A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. "If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you" he says. But the priest doesn't mind him and...

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A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.

"Fuck, I missed!"

"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"

They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.

"Fuck, I mis...

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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A priest goes golfing

He tees up on the first hole, takes a swing, and the ball curves to the right. "Ah shit," the priest says before he realized what slipped out of his mouth. He quickly covers his mouth, apologizes to god, and continues playing golf.

A couple holes down, he tees up and the ball curves hard to t...

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "damn, missed the buggar."

The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."

John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "damn, missed the buggar."

Sure enough, God opens th...

army recruitment

If a war breaks out, I think they will take me to communication because I'm an electrical technician. When it was the last war, my grandfather was probably also in communication because he had two lightning bolts on his helmet.

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A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike yo...

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand....

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

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Trump is playing golf with a nun

Trump waddles up to the tee, puts down his ball, addresses the ball, swings mightily and misses.
"God dammit I missed" he shouts.
The nun looks stern, but says nothing.
Trump again lines up with the ball, swings, misses.
"GOD DAMMIT I MISSED" he shouts again.
Again the nun looks u...

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam join each other for a game of golf

The game is going well and all 3 are pretty even. On the 16th hole, the Rabbi drops it into a water hazard.
“Oh God, Come on!” He says, but immediately asks for forgiveness.
On the 17th hole, the Iman lines up a drive but shanks it wildly.
“God damn it!!!” He exclaims, but quickly gets on h...

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A golfer and a priest

A golfer and a priest go out for a round of golf. On the first hole the golfer hits it into the sand and says, "Crap I missed!!"
The Priest says, "dont say that or God will punish you."
The golfer thinks nothing of it and moves on. They come to the next hole and the golfer sinks his shot into...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the tea...

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Tiger Woods and a preacher play golf.

Tiger Woods and a local preacher get paired off at a charity golf tournament. On the fourth hole, Tiger misses an easy, 6 foot putt, and shouts "God dammit!" The preacher turns to him and says, "Tiger, you've already angered God. If you blaspheme any more, God will smite you where you stand." 3 ...

Obama and Mike Pence are playing tennis

While playing tennis with Mike Pence, Obama gets angry and every time he misses he screams "God dammit I missed!"
This goes on for a while until Mike Pence yells "If you use the lords name in vain one more time a lightning bolt will come from the sky and strike you"
They continue playing unt...

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Shit, I missed!

A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells "shit, I misses." he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says "you should really stop ...

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A nun and a priest go golfing...

The priest is putting for par. "Ah fuck, I missed."

Nun: "God is gonna hear that and God is gonna get you!"

The priest shrugs it off and they walk to the next hole. The priest finds himself in a similar position, and once again misses. "Jesus Christ I can't do anything today!"

N...

There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn’t understand.
The snail wanted a big “S” on the driver’s and passenger’s doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
“When I drive by someone at ...

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A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I miss...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.

On the fairway, the ...

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The fat guy who saved my life.

I was rushing down the road, on a cloudy and rainy day, thunder and lightning bursting in the distance.

I turned the corner, past a cemetery, when suddenly i heard a yell, and my body was tackled to the ground.

I hit the floor with a thud, my eyes focusing on this extremely portly guy ...

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My girlfriend said it is okay to have a small penis

To roam the path is to become one with it.
We exist as superpositions of possibilities. We heal, we believe, we are reborn.
It can be difficult to know where to begin.

Visitor, look within and recreate yourself. How should you navigate this interstellar dreamscape? The dreamscape is cal...

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Golfing Priests

Two priests, one young and one old, were playing golf. The younger priest swung at the ball and shouted, "Damn it, I missed!" The older one reminded him, "Watch your language or God will punish you." The younger one had another swing and exclaimed, "Bloody hell!" The older one said again, "Watch you...

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One day Poseidon, Zues, and Hades got together in a hot tub and decide a humans fate

Before anything they all had agreed to the loser had to bathe the winner. They all picked the same guy. This guy was a homeless scraggy bastard with beer in one hand and a jar in the other. Words on jar said, "I'll give blowjob's for a dollar". So Hades chimed in and said, "For every blowjob I will ...

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Plane in a storm.

A plane gets caught up in a violent storm. Lightning bolts hit the plane several times, strong winds buffet it in all directions. All of the passengers are sure they are going to die. Some are screaming, many are throwing up, a few are praying.

Finally, an attractive, smartly-dressed business...

A Rabbi, a Christian priest, and a Mullah are talking about miracles and their experience with them.

The Christian priest starts:

"I was in the middle of a field and all of a sudden there was a storm. The sky started pounding and I was really afraid that a lightning bolt would hit me, but then I remembered that I must put my faith in God. I prayed to Him, and in a flash, there was rain aroun...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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A priest goes golfing with a friend.

The friend isn't a very good golfer, and every time he messes up, he yells 'Fuck! Missed!'. A few holes into the game the priest asks 'Please don't swear. Next time you mess up, take a deep breath and say a quiet prayer.' The friend agrees. Soon after he misses an easy putt, but can't stop himself s...

Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing...

Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.

Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.

...

[Long] 4 Rabbis were on a hill...

They would argue day in and day out about theology. There seemed to be one Rabbi, however, that was always on the odd end of the argument. The other 3 Rabbis seemed to always team up on him.

He knew he was right so one day he called out to the heavens, "Oh God, I know that I am right and they...

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A joke about golf and a priest (A bit long)

So a priest is playing golf with a professional golfer and they are having a pretty even match. They are up to the 6th hole with the scores level and all the golfer has to do is get a 4 foot putt. He hits the ball but it misses. The frustrated golfer shouts
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I MISSED THE ...

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