Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

What do Puff Daddy and Pepe Le Pew have in common?

Can't stop, won't stop.

THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.”

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pe...

What does a gun sound like in a church?

Pew pew pew

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was i...

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

How is a Stormtrooper like an empty church?

Both of their Pews are missing people

What sounds do lasers make in a church?

Pew pew pew!

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range.

The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.

A little prick in Church

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall...

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

What do you call a skunk with a machine gun?

Pepe la Pew-Pew

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

A man and his family have trouble finding a place to sit in church...

“A pew!” he says, finally having spotted a place to sit.

“Bless you,” responds the priest.

I've always wanted a pew in my house

Because I remember how well I use to sleep on those.

What did the young boy shout in the church while pointing finger guns?

pew pew pew

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi...

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't clean my ass on Sunday morning [Nsfw]

I go to church and sit in my own pew

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have?

Pew pews.

Tootie Greene

My ex-husband was once asked by our pastor to fill in for him one Sunday. He obliged, but then the pastor warned him about a woman named Tootie Greene. Apparently she likes to come into service and antoganize the pastor during his sermon. Ex-husband says OK and comes home to prepare for the follo...

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

Bob Marley is taking photos one day...

...when suddenly, Cher turns up with a guitar and plays a riff. Bob is impressed and takes a photo. Cher leaves and Bob keeps walking down the road and sees Mr. T in the distance. Mr. T comes running up and says “Bob! Did you see Johnny Depp? He was here, firing a laser at me. Did you get a photo?” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.


...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.


...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.


...man who fart in church sit in own pew.


(Feel free to add more)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

How many people can a church seat?

A pew

"What stinks in here?"

"I was playing with my laser gun"

"Pew"

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

WARNING: STAR WARS SPOILERS

Voosh voosh pew pew pew voosh voosh pew pew voosh force choke voosh pew pew pew

So this guy walks out of church with two black eyes! ...

He calls his parents and says “Mom, Dad! I was at church today and a woman gave me two black eyes!”
His parents, completely flabbergasted by the start of they’re son’s story ask frantically “How did you possibly get 2 black eyes in church!??”
Then the son replies “ Well the woman in the pew i...

We should rename school shooters

Start calling em "PEW-pils"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men meet every morning on a park bench after religious services.

One day one of the old men shows up with a black eye.

The other guy says “What happened”

He says “ I was at mass, and a beautiful young woman was in the pew in front of me. About halfway through, I noticed her short skirt had gotten wedged in between her ass cheeks. After a while, I c...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

A grieving wife sits at her husband's funeral

From the pew behind, a tap on the shoulder:
"Mind if I get up and say something?"
The wife replies, "of course, please go ahead"
The gentleman sombrely makes his way to the front. When he reaches the altar, he pauses to compose himself, clears his throat and then bellows:

"PLETHORAA...

Old Custom In Ireland

There is an old custom in Ireland, to bow the head briefly in prayer when saying “Jesus” - particularly when saying the line from the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary, that ends with “... the fruit of thy womb, Jesus”

In christening services, where babies are dedicated to the Church, parents and godpa...

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns are remodeling their church...

New window panes, interior paint, new pews, the works. When it comes time to paint, they decide they don't want to get any paint on their habits, so they take off their clothes. They're painting half-nude and suddenly they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, Sister Elizabeth asks, "Who is it?"
...

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

A man goes to a funeral ...

After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

“No, of course not”, she says. "Please do."

The man stands up, clears his throat and says:

"Abacus"

Then promptly sits down.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."

Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."

Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna....

What do you get when you put nutella on salmon?

You get salmonella.

Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

There once was a girl from Purdue

Who kept a young cat in a pew

She taught it to speak

Alphabetical Greek

But it never got farther than "Μμ".

Me : *sips wine* ooh thats good. I'd like a bottle of that please.

Priest : Ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him.

He had to sit on his own pew.

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

Skunked

A friend of mine got sprayed by a skunk at work today, saying it looked like a baby skunk. And my reply to her was:


Baby skunk pew pew pew pew pew pew

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

Didja hear about the skunk that went to church?

They made him sit in his own pew.

My father was the rector for a local church. He was responsible for making sure all the doors were locked, and for putting away the benches after services.

He really had to mind his keys and pews.

A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."

"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."

"Yes I'm certain Father."

"Well I don't want t...

How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.

A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits do...

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while th...

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all ...

THE LORD TRIED!

A church was flooded out and as the preacher stood on the pews, parishioners came by in a boat. "No thanks" the preacher said, "I'll put my faith in the Lord."
As waters rose, the preacher climbed on the roof of the church. When the boat passed by again the preacher said "No thanks, I'll put my f...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.