Pew Jokes

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s... read more

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration.... read more

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon... read more

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ... read more

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregati... read more

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

He can’t. He has no legs.

Can't stop, won't stop.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

>!They're definitely sitting in their own pew after that!!<

He had his own pew.

The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand... read more

Pew pew pew!

Man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

Because I remember how well I use to sleep on those.

After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

“No, of course not”, she says. "Please do."

The man stands up, clears his throat and says:

"Abacus"

Then promptly sits down.
... read more

Pew! Pew! Pew!

You get salmonella.

Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*

Pepe la Pew-Pew

Pew pews.

A friend of mine got sprayed by a skunk at work today, saying it looked like a baby skunk. And my reply to her was:


Baby skunk pew pew pew pew pew pew

The Priest exclaimed “Everything God made is perfect.”

Quasimodo slowly rose from the pew and stated “Father I beg to differ with you, just look at me.”

The Priest stood a moment looking then said “Well, you are the most perfect hunchback I have ever seen.”

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ... read more

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

In a church you see pew, pew pew.

In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.

They're scared of the *pews*

Both of their Pews are missing people

PEW PEW

Pew pew pew...

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large BOOM. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowd... read more

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met... read more

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning.

The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church ... read more

Pew Pew Pew

I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well... are you Catholic or Orthodox?" He said, "Orthodox."

I said, "Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate or Ukraini... read more

“A pew!” he says, finally having spotted a place to sit.

“Bless you,” responds the priest.

A pew

Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!

Pew Pew Pew

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic... read more

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pe... read more

Start calling em "PEW-pils"

PEW-tatoes.

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron... read more

He had to sit on his own pew.

They really need more pews.

Pew Pew..

Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do.

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi... read more

Priest : Ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ... read more

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

Fake pews

...people went running pew after pew.

Who kept a young cat in a pew

She taught it to speak

Alphabetical Greek

But it never got farther than "Μμ".