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Correctly Jokes

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What s that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: W...

Stormtrooper: Am I aiming my gun correctly?

Yoda: Off course you are.

How to correctly give parent your school report

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

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The technician didn't wire up the elevator buttons correctly

It's wrong on so many levels…

So what if I can't spell "armagedon" correctly ?

Its not the end of the world.

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

If you can write the word "mitochondria" correctly...

... then you truly are the powerhouse of the spell.

My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.

He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

Why programmers cannot do time estimation correctly?

- Why do you, programmers, cannot ever estimate the time required to finish the project?!
- Well, boss, it's very simple. I'll explain in this example. You do like mending cars in your free time, am I right, boss?
- Yep, give me this example.
- So, you need to unload a vehicle. How long wou...

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

We met a family with 5 kids. I guessed their names correctly

Honeymoon, Valentine's Day, Pulled Out, Forgot the pill, and Broken Condom.

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

Abusing a word, done correctly

I have eye opening experiences every day, quite literally.

I hate people who can't spell words correctly on the internet.

I guess they're just not my type.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

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