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Baseball Bat Jokes

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband the...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnnyā€™s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santaā€™s lap and said ā€œSanta, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"

The doctor looks at him and says

"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

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A guy walks into a bar where he sees a monkey in a cage...

He asks the bartender, "What is that monkey doing here?" and the bartender says, "This monkey performs a very peculiar trick, would you like to see?" The man says yes and the bartender let's the monkey out of the cage who walks on top of the table. The bartender takes a baseball bat and his the monk...

A guy drops his date off outside her house, only to be greeted by her furious father waiting on the curb with a baseball bat...

"Not to worry, sir! I'm not her date, I'm just her guy-in-a-car-logist!"

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

A veteran walks into a bar

He sits down next to his friends and is about to say a joke about blondes when he is suddenly cut of by a blonde from another table who is 6ā€™4 and strong. ā€œWhat weā€™re you about to say?ā€. Then the blonde waitress walks in holding a baseball bat standing next to the other blonde. Then the blonde chef ...

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A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" ...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

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Dark in here

Little Mikey was supposed to be taking a nap, but instead, he was hiding in his mother's closet when he heard her enter the bedroom with a strange manā€¦
He listened as they hurriedly took off their clothes, jumped into bed, and started fucking like two jackrabbitsā€¦
Then, Mikey heard a car door ...

Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat.

He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

Cruise

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a ...

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This election Americans have 2 choices.

Get whacked with a baseball bat or a softball bat.

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... weā€™re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, Iā€™ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

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Gorilla Removal

A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house. He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert.
He called.
When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottwe...

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

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A young boy realises his mother is cheating on his father...

He hides in the closet. When his dad comes home, the visitor jumps in the closest as well, to hide. The boy says,

"Gee, sure is dark in here."

"I guess it is," says the man.

"Tell you what," says the boy, "I'll sell you my baseball bat for $500 dollars. Don't buy it, and I'll te...

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A priest, a doctor and redditor

A priest, a doctor and a redditor are waiting at a bus stop one evening. A man comes around the corner with a baseball bat and proceeds to scream at and hit each lamp post as he goes, except for one old lamp post at the end of the road which he places his hand on and smiles.

The priest shake...

Two men were at a wake

Two men, Bill and Ed, were at a wake, and got to chatting with each other. Bill said:


\- You know what, I pity that cousin of mine.


Ed asked:


\- Why?


Bill told him:


\- Because that's the third wife of his who has died.


Ed ...

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Elsa Jean, Piper Perri and Nina Hartley are in a pub after a long hard day of work.

Elsa and Piper are jokingly bragging about what they did that day.

"I had a dick the size of a cucumber!" says Elsa.

"That's nothing!" says Piper, "I had like five the size of a baseball bat!"

"Watch this." says Nina, as she slides over her stool entirely.

My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but Iā€™m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

Whatā€™s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

That same guy in your pool? Bob

Same guy in your hot tub? Stew

Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack

Same guy on your porch? Matt

Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer

Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel

What do you...

A man died and...

A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, ā€œBefore you meet with God, I should tell you ā€” weā€™ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didnā€™t do anything particularly good or bad. Weā€™re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any...

When I said I wanted to be intellectually challenged...

I didn't mean I wanted you to smash me over the head with a baseball bat.

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

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A man wakes up one day to a gorilla in a tree in his front yard

Alarmed, he immediately googles "gorilla exterminator" and calls the local expert.

"Hello? Yes I have a damn silverback in my tree, I need you here right now!"

"No problem man, except my partner is out of town, so I'll need you to help me"

"Fine whatever you need just get her...

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

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There was a special forces competition...

And USA, Russia and China got into the finals.

For the finals, the question was this:
Go into the forest, and find the rabbit.

So the Russians went first.

They brought with them 100 of their finest and searched the whole forest, inch by inch they looked for traces of the rabb...

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

The Gorilla Catcher

A gorilla escapes from the zoo, so the city government hires a professional gorilla catcher to go and retrieve it. The gorilla catcher starts cruising around town in his pickup, until he comes to the suburbs. In the suburbs, he sees a gorilla on the roof of a house. He gets out of his pickup and wal...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

Terrorists have an Off-Switch.

Itā€™s in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and itā€™s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

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Constipated Construction Worker

ā€œA construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."



The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."



The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends ...

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A man, a dog, a bears nuts.

One night Mr jones had terrible trouble getting to sleep due to loud banging noises and scuffling coming from his roof. In the morning he ventured outside, looked up and saw that a very large, very angry looking bear had climbed onto his roof and was wandering around growling and battering at the c...

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down ...

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

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Bear Exterminator

A man has a bear perched on the roof of his house. He has tried everything to get the bear off the house but nothing works. So finally he gives up and calls the bear exterminator.

The bear exterminator shows up in an old pickup with a huge cage in the back. After he surveys the situation he b...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

So these two bats were hanging out in a cave

They were just chillin' when both of them saw this object off in the distance approach at frightening speed. Immediately, one of the bats knew what to do. He swung into action! As the object approached, he stiffened up, went completely rigid, and as the object came within range, he swung his body wi...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

A woman comes home from work

A woman comes home from work to find 2 sets of feet sticking out from the covers in her bed. Thinking her husband is cheating on her, she grabs a baseball bat from the closet and starts beating the 2 figures underneath the covers. After a while, she goes to yhe kitchen exhausted. Thats when she see...

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying ā€œ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, youā€™re ex wife gets doubleā€
...

People are enjoying a drive in movie...

When all of a sudden a loud voice comes in over the intercom.

ā€œTo the man whoā€™s taken my wife, I know you are here, Iā€™ll be coming round with my baseball bat until I find you.ā€

27 Cars left right then and there.


Sorry if repost, purely coincidental.

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and he see this massive gorilla just sitting behind the counter. So after a few drinks he ask the bartender "Hey man, what's up with that gorilla?"

The bartender says "Oh that gorilla? Check this out," then grabs a baseball bat and WHACKS the gorilla over the back of the head. The gorilla ...

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "S...

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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.

"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."

The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks t...

Two brothers wake up on Christmas morning...

They rush downstairs to see what they got from Santa. The younger one asked for a bicycle and sure enough, he got a bicycle. The older brother asked for an XBox, but it was nowhere to be found. Instead he found a baseball bat.

His little brother started taunting him, "Nanananana, I got a bicy...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldnā€™t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.

The owner of the Porsche is livid w...

A man walks into a bar in a celebratory mood and

He orders a drink and shouts "and a drink on me for everyone here including the barman", he repeats this and everyone is getting quite drunk when the barman asks for him to pay and the man said he has no money today. The barman beats him up and throws him out. A few months later the same man walks i...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

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[NSFW] Your gorilla joke reminded me...

A guy walks in to a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After a few drinks, he and the bartender start talking about cars, family, and life in general - really hitting it off.

So the bartender says, "Hey bud, you want to see something really great?"

"Yeah, sure man. What is it?" ...

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A boy is playing in a closet when his mother and her lover come in the room

A boy is playing in a closet when his mother and her lover come into the room. They start making love, with the boy still unnoticed in the closet. Suddenly the door is heard from downstairs.

"Shit, it's my husband, quickly, hide in the closet!" the mother commands her lover.

While in t...

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the Pope and the baseball fans

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic fight just off shore. A man, wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey, was struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25ft shark.

As the Pope ...

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender leans in and says, "Sir, because you're blind, I'm going to offer you some advice. The blonde lady in the corner, she is a trained MMA fighter. The two blonde girls in the ...

A guy meets an old friend in the street

**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?

**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...

**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?

**O...

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A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

He is greeted at his embassy by Obama.

The diplomat invites Obama into a secret room. Once inside, he says to Obama, "Let me show you a program we use on people in our country."

Obama agrees and the diplomat leaves the room. ...

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Dr. Feelgood

Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air.

"Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you wil...

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