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Bandages Jokes

Two friends meet up, one of them has bandages over his ears

-Hey, man, what happened?

-Well, I was still sleepy when I was ironing my clothes in the morning, I heard my phone ringing and put the iron against my ear!

-Oh man, that’s rough. Hold on, you burned your ear, but why is the other one also bandaged?

-I immediately called an ambul...

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

Merry Christmas and a

'Happy new ear', wished my Plastic Surgeon as he unwound the bandages.

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

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A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis. She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”

“Well,” ...

Fastest turtle in the world

A man and his dog walk into a bar, they see another gentleman with a turtle wrapped in bandages. He sits down and asks “what’s the deal with your turtle?”
The gentleman replies “ this is the fastest turtle in the world!”
“Yeah right”
“No really, I’ll bet you 100$ that my turtle can beat yo...

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A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thomps...

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

There was once a little blind girl...

... and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "Mummy Mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and her mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant on a cream which will make your eyes all better again! And we can g...

Booty

Woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says I want a J-Lo booty, after many hours of surgery she takes the bandages off and looks in the mirror only to see a jiggly, green booty............

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

A bear walks into a bar

The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw....”

A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.

When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.

After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.

"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must tr...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest to see who's the best at their jobs by trying to convince a bear to join their religion. The priest goes in, sprinkles holy water on the bear and manages to convert the bear. The minister goes in, preaches, and manages to also convert the bear. The rabbi g...

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

A priest a rabbi and a minister go camping

There is a bet on which one could convert a bear. A week or so later the rabbi is in the hospital and the others go to visit him. The priest tells the others that while walking in woods the bear started chasing him. The priest sprinkled the bear a couple of times and the bear surrendered. The minist...

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

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Ladies discussing their sex life...

*Mrs Mulenga:* I notice that when I go down on my husband and suck his dick, the balls are always cold.

*Mrs. Mwamba:* My husband's balls are cold too, when I suck his dick.

*Mrs. Banda:* How can you both do such thing? It is
disgusting!!

*Ladies:* It is the best way to make ...

A man goes to have drinks with his buddies after work

As the night went on, someone put a glass on his chair, he sat on it and they all laughed and laughed. Finally he goes home at 3 AM, and quietly opens the door. He realizes he needs to take care of his cuts, gets a box of bandaids, and carefully applies them in front of the hall mirror. The next m...

Dad's Surgery

So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today.

He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying "Added in some memory today".
To which I responded: "Did they have to RAM it in?".

Should have asked ...

Blondes and a Mummy

Two blondes are looking at an Egyptian mummy.

Blonde 1 : look so many bandages ! Must have been a car accident.

Blonde 2 : yeah ! They have give the license plate number as well , BC 1760

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices one of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.

"What happened to your ears?" he asks.

"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a pho...

A carrot gets into a bad car crash...

He wakes up in a hospital bed with casts and bandages all over him. His Doctor looks at him and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is your going to live, but the bad news is your going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

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A man was getting a tan on a nudist beach when a young girl walks towards him...

Because he found it indecent to be fully nude in front of the little girl, he covered his groin with his hat.
"What's underneath that hat?" the girl asked. "Nothing special, just a little birdy" the man replied.

The girl insisted on seeing the birdy, and the man told her no, so she walk...

Facelift

Jacqueline was a very attractive woman but she was feeling a little insecure about the wrinkles that began appearing on her face once she turned 40. After trying to deal with the wrinkles using make-up for a few years, she decided to get a facelift on her 43rd birthday. She spent her savings, $10,00...

The Priest, The Minister and The Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a large, diverse University.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A r...

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A bartender walks into a bar

goes behind the counter and does 12 hours of serving drinks to indifferent faces. They don't care about his life. He delays going home to his wife by flirting with a waitress, but he knows she's just being nice.

He goes home to a wife who hands him divorce papers, and his son at her side, no...

A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop...

...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle...

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A dirty joke I heard from my mother!

A man from the IRS walks into a hospital to audit the medical supplies

The man says to the head surgeon, "What do you do with all the extra bandages?". The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the supply company and they send us a new box"

The man...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

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The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the ...

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A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

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You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.

"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thoug...

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