This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

To catch a Peek-at-you

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

I was going to tell you a joke about peer pressure...

...but my friends talked me out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I was walking by an insane asylum

I was walking by an insane asylum the other day and as I passed, I heard some patients that were out in the yard from other side of the wooden fence saying "16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16..." They kept saying it over and over. Curiosity got the best of me, so I found a small hole in the fence and peered thr...

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

When I send my child to school this fall they'll be decades ahead of their peer group

They'll die way before the rest of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was waiting at an AMT…

Standing behind and old lady who was peering at the screen. She turned round , adjusted her glasses and asked me in a frail voice if I could check her balance for her?

I gave her a push and as she fell over I said: not that fucking great.

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

3 men enter heaven together

Upon entering, they are greeted by god. God tells them that they will receive a vehicle, however the quality and value of the vehicle will vary based on how frequently they cheated on their wife. So the first man says “I never cheated once in my life” god inspects him and finds this out to be true. ...

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

miracle

One day in heaven, Saint Peter decided that it was time for a vacation, so he asked Jesus to watch the gates for him for a bit. The first day on the job Jesus saw an old man approaching. The man had white hair and a beard, and he looked somehow familiar. He spoke to the man and asked, "Have you been...

I hear Ahab was made captain ahead of his more qualified peers...

Talk about white whale privilege.

I came up with a great science joke, but the scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.

They told me it hadn't been peer reviewed.

What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you?

Peer pressure.

My Asian eye doctor

Since I am half-Chinese and half-Filipino, and in recognition of AAPI month, I shall relate what happened visiting the eye doctor. I had been having trouble seeing while driving, so I went to my eye doctor, who happens to be Asian like me. He did the usual things, the eye charts, peering into my e...

A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure”

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

A highway patrol officer...

A highway patrol officer pulls over a car going 35mph on the freeway. He walks up to the driver and sees a sweet old lady behind the wheel. Patrol officer asks the old lady why she was driving so slow, and the old lady responds that she was sure she was following the speed limit. She gestures toward...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

My earliest memory of my mother is playing hide and seek with her, I would be sat peering out of the oven window and she would say...

"Your getting warmer"...

Three men are lost in the southwestern U.S. when they see a strange figure near a cliff.

They approach the figure and he introduces himself. “I am the magical genie of Arizona. When you go over this cliff, say something you desire. I will summon it for you to land on at the bottom of the cliff.” The men are a little uncertain.

The first one peers over the edge of the cliff and f...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

I keep on getting peer pressured into playing the flamingo game

But I'm not going to play anymore. Im putting my foot down

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with interval...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

Fishing on thin ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

Mickey and Patrick are on their way home from the pub one evening, when Mickey finds a mirror on the ground...

Looking into the mirror he calls over to Patrick:

"Paddy, come and have a look.... this fella seems oh so familiar.."

Patrick grabs hold of the mirror and peers in:

"Ohhhh you stupid git" he says, "It's me!"

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

A cowboy peers down the pit of an outhouse...

He sees an Indian standing at the bottom.
He asks, "How long have you been down there?"
The Indian replies: "Many moons."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

My friends forced me into their orgy last night.

I succumbed to peer pleasure.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two newlyweds check into a hotel...

The groom is at the check-in counter and is clearly nervous. The bellhop asks him if he's ok and in an attempt to build his confidence he reassures him that when it comes time to consummate the marriage he will be in the next room. If there is any trouble just yell out...

The couple gets sett...

My father is my favorite redditor.

When I was a young boy, not long ago, I came to my father to show him a school essay that I wrote.

-Dad ! I talked about you in my essay.

-What did you say ?

-I said that you were kind, charismatic, handsome, intelligent, respected by all your peers... And that you were my fa...

I picked up some Chinese from a local place...

I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "WTF is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.

I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picke...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers?

They had a hung jury.

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

An elderly lady called the front desk to complain.

“I am most offended! There is a man bathing in the room across the courtyard. His windows are open and you can see everything. Please do something about it at once.”


The manager arrived at her room. “Please show me what you mean and we will fix it right away.” The lady led him to her win...

A mushroom walks into a bar...

He walks up to the barman and says

"Can I have a beer?"

The barman peers down at the little mushroom and says

"I can't serve you - your a mushroom!"

The mushroom with consternation replies

"Oh come on! I'm a fun guy!" (Fungi)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

My friends had an intervention for me

but my parents raised me not to give in to peer pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

For my cake day, I want to share a joke I've never seen here: A man is walking through the desert. [Long]

He comes across a town and realises he could get a horse. He walks up to the horse salesperson and asks for a horse. The salesperson says "Sorry just sold the last one, but you can check down the street. The other guy might have some left!"

So he goes there and again, asks for a horse. Unfort...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking along a stretch of tall fences, minding his own business...

...when he notices chanting coming from the other side of the fence. He makes his way closer to make out what it is he's hearing.

"18...18...18....18..." is what he hears from a chorus of voices on the other side.

He looks along the fence until he finds a hole to peer through and see w...

Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier?

Peer pressure!

How do you evaluate a urinal?

Peer reviews

Why did the first koala fall out the tree

It was dead

Why did the second koala fall out the tree?

It got hit by the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?

Thought it was a race to the bottom

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die...

A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...

The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and say...

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

What's the difference between a magician and a rapper?

A magician will disappear, while a rapper will diss-a-peer.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

S...

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years. One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.

"Oh, thank God! I've been alone here for so long!"

She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.

"Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."

About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."

In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the set...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is ...

Chewbacca's little cousin

Chewbacca's little cousin joined a group of his peers to compete in order to become co-pilot to one of the resistance's best pilots.

His little cousin went above the call of duty and wound up the best in the group.

What award did he receive?

Wookie of the year

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”

The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.

He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path...

A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path. He takes careful aim and fires. The smoke clears and he peers down at the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear. "Were you trying to kill me?" the bear gro...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.

Reaching u...

A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window...

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.