UPJOKE
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Incide Jokes

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

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Surfing incident

Doctor: Why is your penis so bruised

Patient: I hurt it in a surfing accident

Doctor:Did you fall off your board?

Patient: No I slammed my laptop lid shut when wife walked in

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

Real life incident with 5 yr old : We were once stopped for some VIP convoy to pass through.

Our 5 year old asked us why the car stopped, so we explained there is a lot of police etc going through. She asked why so many policemen? I said it is a big leader who is traveling.

She then asks : “Why would so many policemen be required to prevent him from stealing something?”

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A man goes to see his therapist after an embarrassing incident at a church.

The therapist sits him down and asks what happened. The man groans and says "Well, I was at Costco and I saw they had a massive box of communion wafers. I thought it was funny so I bought it and took it home.

"When I got home I remembered I had a huge box of wine so I grabbed it from the cell...

A local store recently had an incident where a dwarf was spotted standing on the shoulders of two vampires and hiding merchandise beneath their cloaks.

He's being charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

A true incident...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenient travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS”

The a...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

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Did you hear about Lorena Bobbitt’s road rage incident?

Some dick cut her off.

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?

He had to be put in the icu

Why didn’t 4 get involved in the 789 incident?

He was 2²

Why didn't the police respond quickly to the Capitol incident?

They thought everything was all white

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

Did you hear about the milk incident at the farm?

It was udderly disgusting

How many resumĂŠ writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?

It was a big cat-astrophe

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

The incident at the Cemetery.

It was summer. Jake went on a stroll. Soon he arrived at a cemetery. There, he saw a woman, sitting on a grave.

He asked, "Sitting on someone's grave, alone in the cemetery, aren't you scared?".

Woman, " Scared? Of what? It gets hot inside, so I just got out for air."

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The Pool Ball Incident

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole. The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey...

Did you hear about the guy that reported the Chernobyl incident to the Soviet Government?

He was always such a goody 3 shoes.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

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Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked t...

Did you hear about the guy who was run over in a freak steamroller incident in a printing shop?

He made quite a splash across the headlines, but left a good impression on paper

Badoom pssshhh

Blowdryer Incident

Bob's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing?

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

No one has even heard of this Qasem Soleimani guy up until the recent incidents...

It’s like he blew up over night or something

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

The Trump Tower incident proves that..

..the only way to climb up a corporate ladder is by sucking up

The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...

if someone had offered a Pepsi.

Son: Dad, what's the most unforgettable incident in your life ?

IT Dad: Son, its INC0000038764. Took me forever to resolve.

Happy father's day !!

I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident.

The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.

Kim Kardashin flour bombing incident

Police called off the search for the person who flower bombed Kim Kardashin.

They learned it was just Lindsey Lohan sneezing

What do you call shy bladder incidents?

Frozen pees

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...

the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?

On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.

(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

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I had a housewarming party last night

The next morning, I came downstairs to see someone I wasn't well-acquainted with but a friend of a friend lying on the kitchen on floor.

I told him, "Time to go home mate, up you get."

I helped pick him up but he immediately fell back down again.

"Alright you're obviously still ...

In light of the recent fentanyl incidents. Who would have thought the solution to the war on drugs...

Was just stronger drugs???

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Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

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A man and a monkey walk into a bar.

The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."
...

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I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix.

50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

Putin is not all bad

He is expected to greatly decrease the incidence of gaslighting across Europe.

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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Johnny Depp claims amber heard or her friend pooped on his bed

This incident surely left a stain in their relationship...

A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

A stalker was caught sneaking into Emma Raducanu's house and also stole her father's boot.

The tennis star chose to downplay the incident but her father is hopping mad .

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the inci...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

a guy is talking to his firends

he says:

"why always a british person says the word british, it sounds like bri'ish"


a british man listens and responds:


"after the Boston incident we always hide our t's"

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A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.


When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper e...

Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?

He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

Mayonnaise

In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.

But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

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Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea an...

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